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[Alittlelost]

I never knew abuse from your own family was classed as domestic violence.

Im just going to put a trigger warning on this post.

My father got me pregnant at the age of (detail removed by moderator). He knew exactly when and wernt due my period and he figured it out pretty quick i was preg. Anyway i wont say by who but i got beaten up badly and i lost my child through stress and truama i believe.

The anniverasary of it falls (detail removed by moderator) but it happened many years ago now. I normally dont start flash backing till nearer the time of year but this year im finding myself starting to flash back early. I cant get it out my head.
I wonder what itd of been like bring up that child. If i even could of coped with a child at (detail removed by moderator) myself. I named the baby (detail removed by moderator). I never knew if it was boy or girl but i had a feeling it was a boy.

I feel its my fault i lost the baby. My stress levels were to high. Maybe it was for the best i dont know. I dont think il ever decide if it was for the better or not.

[KIP.]

If there’s extra stress in your life then it will affect the flashbacks and depth of feelings. None of what you describe is your fault. I really think it would be good for you to talk to someone about your feelings. Just a counsellor. They don’t need to be specialists but when I was abused I couldn’t work out what was real. Only with bouncing my feelings and thoughts off my therapist did I recognise abuse and the effect it had and still has on me.

[Alittlelost]

I want councelling but i always get turned away as being to complex, or too risky if im self harming.

I can say what has happened to me but if u ask me in deeper detail how i feel about this or that all i can answer with is i dont knowm.either autism or defence mechanisms i can not access that infomation.

[KIP.]

That’s a shame. Trauma made me reality test everything. Trauma shuts down the rational part of the brain. Is there part of your gut that speaks to you. Instinct rather than rational thinking?

[Alittlelost]

Im not sure i understand what u mean sorry.

[HopeLifeJoy]

I’m sorry this happened to you, you suffered terrible abuse.
Thank you for the warning at the beginning of your post. I appreciate it when someone does that. Thank you.

When so much has happened in your life perhaps write down some of it. Or talk and record it. Whatever is easier for you.

I agree to definitely keep seeking therapy. Don’t ever give up. I know there aren’t many therapist available who are trained in complex trauma. Perhaps you need to grieve the loss of your baby here? Keeping the grief separate from the abuse. Tackle one issue at the time. Break it down to manageable tasks otherwise you’ll be overwhelmed by the sheer size of it all. And that way you keep control over the topic you wish to discuss and process.

When I start a therapy, I go in with a very specific goal in mind which I share with my therapist upfront; for example I am unable to deal with depression and anxiety so when it hits me too hard I start a therapy with the sole purpose to get me out of it.
I haven’t even started talking about what happened to me in details nor am I planning to do that ever ever.
But I believe you can use the services and knowledge of professionals to tackle one problem at the time. And when one day you do encounter a therapist trained in complex trauma and you are ready to open up, then you’ve already done a lot of work with previous ones and are strong enough to talk and process what happened to you. I am not sure it makes sense. What i am saying is process one problem at the time. One by one, you process them and they will vanish or reduce their hold over you.
Wishing you the best of luck.

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