Am I a Selfish Person/something wrong with me?

[Byzantium]

Hi everyone. I wanted to thank everyone who has ever responded to my posts in the past. You’ve all been amazing and given me so much to think about.

I’m really, really struggling with whether or not to marry and have a baby with my partner because I think he may have been abusive towards me in the past. I’m am so confused recently. I keep going over things in my mind and I often feel selfish for even thinking about trying to postpone or not have a child with him/get married. I’ll explain what has happened:

I met him a few years ago. When we met he seemed like the nicest, most genuine guy in the world. We had a lot of interests in common but some differences as well. About (detail removed by moderator) into the relationship he started to infinite me, disappear then return like nothing happened. His moods would be unpredictable from day to day. At the time I was worried he could have been unhappy or even depressed but he always said this wasn’t the case.

We lived some distance apart and if we wanted to see each other I would be encouraged to go to his place. He would often make plans with me then drop me in favour of spending time with family or friends insisting afterwards that he was sorry, wanted to spend time with me and would be really nice for a few days.
When he had an off day with his mood he would be horrible in what he would say to me, would threaten to break up, would ignore me or just reply with one word answers. Afterwards I would be anxious if upsetting him and would avoid topics that might upset him or to say no to something. I don’t think this was his intention but looking back this is what I was doing to try and avoid getting him upset.

When things were good it was great and after a short period of time he proposed and I said yes. We then started to look for a home together. It was after the engagement that things became worse.

We found a home which was bigger than we needed but he insisted that that was the only one he wanted and we would be able to afford it between us as we were both working full time.

He found dealing with people during the house purchase very stressful so I took on the responsibility. Very shortly after exchanging contracts and accepting the mortgage offer my fiancé quit his job because he hated it and couldn’t bring himself to go back. There was a (detail removed by moderator) delay because of the seller but we did eventually get the house. Just before moving in he became very angry and threatened not to move in because he found sorting out furnishings stressful and he said I was an idiot and useless for not being able to arrange for contractors to do some work sooner (all the ones with good reputations had a wait because they were doing other jobs). He did eventually move in but we constantly annoyed and angry at me for my work around the house and cooking.

About (detail removed by moderator)  into living together he became angry because I had used the wrong (detail removed by moderator)  for making tea and put it back in the wrong place later on. He was furious, insisted that I don’t listen to him, do what I’m asked and was useless. He insisted that I didn’t sleep in the same room as him that night. We wnere waiting on the sofa and the (detail removed by moderator) had not been built yet (I was working full time and had been trying to get the main room set up first). I ended up sleeping downstairs on the concrete floor which will forever be one of the main memories of moving into my new home.

He did leave me back into the bedroom after a few days. I built up the spare bed the (detail removed by moderator) which came to be more needed than I thought. He flipped out for not listening to him (detail removed by moderator) and asked me for my engagement ring back. I was evicted from the master bedroom and spent the next (detail removed by moderator) in the spare room. When living together I would be nervous pulling into the driveway knowing that an evening of criticism, name calling and sarcasm might be waiting for me. He would ridicule my cooking and throw the plate in front of me, make a list of jobs I hadn’t done which includes showing him my bank accounts (he only did this once) so he could see how much was left to get things for the house. He was still not working at the time and had kept back a lot of money agreed for the house to pay his own credit card and other bills. Every penny I was earning would go into the joint account for bills. I couldn’t save even £10 per month. Some months I had to use my overdraft. I never had any debt before this. He would suggest what we need for the house and I would be expected to pay for it. If I didn’t he would be upset and make me feel guilty for making him live in a situation where we couldn’t afford things. He did get a temporary job for (detail removed by moderator) but used the money for gifts for his family and his own bills. He got upset over Christmas because his job made him cut short time with his family and he kicked and damaged a door. I have t spent a Christmas, Easter or birthday with my family in years because we have to go to his. He refused to claim benefits because he was too proud. Eventually he did claim benefits once his family stopped giving him money.
He explained to me that the benefits would cover his own bills and he would save the rest. He apologised for not having enough to be able to contribute to the household bills.

He was vile over valentines saying he didn’t want to spend the day with me because it was for people in love and spent the day with his family. I was diagnosed with a lifelong illness (detail removed by moderator) and since then he has been mostly great. He did tell me to take all of his Christmas and other gifts back because they were rubbish and so was what my family gave him. He later demanded I buy something for him because he hadn’t received a gift (he was upset and tearful when he asked for it).

He is now desperately wanting a baby and a wedding. He wants to be a stay at home dad while I work because he can’t find work right now. I am due to receive a lot of money from an investment my (detail removed by moderator) made for me years ago. My partner wants to spend it on baby items, house items and the wedding. I had hoped to use some of it as a pension because I had to opt out to pay bills and am worried about how I will manage work wise in my 60s after my diagnosis. He really wants a family but everything that’s happened is giving me doubts. I worry about how we will manage financially too in terms of living on only my income. I can’t afford to buy clothing or get my hair cut because I have nothing left after bills. This makes me feel both ashamed and sometimes resentful which I then feel guilty about because I should support my partner going through unemployment.

I know if I suggested waiting before a baby or wedding he will get extremely upset which I’m trying to avoid and feel like such a coward for being like that.

He has said in the past that if we split up the child would live with him and said that he knew I would still be a good mum in supporting our child financially. He made me put the house in a 50/50 ownership when we bought it even though I put in twice as much money.

I feel like a really selfish person in even thinking about delaying or refusing to have a baby and wedding until things are better and more financially secure. I feel like I’m denying him the right to be a father which makes me feel absolutely awful and like a worthless human being and rubbish partner. I can’t shake the feeling that I’d be putting myself in a difficult position whatever I do. What should I do?

[Ssssssssss]

Hi zantium. I’ve just read through your post.

I totally understand your confusion and reason for trying to put off having a baby or getting married to this guy. I think he is wanting to keep you sweet as he knows your expecting money.
My opinion is you get your money that your expecting. You rent a flat for the time being on a 6 month contract and you leave the house. Tell him that your not coming paying the bills and your selling your half of the house if he doesn’t make changes and get a job.
It will be hard but be stern and hard on him. Tell him he has 6 months to get a job and change his attitude towards you. Until then you stay in your flat. Make him no that you ain’t coming back until he’s proven to you. Then after that then yous can think about getting married when yous both have jobs and a nicer relationship.
Then after that you can think about children. You can’t bring a child into a sour relationship it just makes things more stressful and complicated, at least in my experience it did.

But I do no it is a lot easier for someone saying do this do that. Than it is for you actually doing it.
Good luck and stay safe x

[KIP.]

You can guarantee all this abusive and controlling behaviour will get a hundred times worse when you get married or have a child. He’s already shown you what a nasty controlling individual he is. Abusers use our own feelings of guilt to control us. He is not your responsibility. You don’t have to be miserable in a relationship. It’s not your responsibility to make him happy. It takes two to make a relationship work and he is only interested in himself. You are not being selfish. He is and that’s typical abuser behaviour, entitled. Leaving – It’s called self preservation not selfish x take a huge step back and talk to women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Byzantium, I remember you. Did you know I left? It’s not been easy, but its better than ut was living in constant emotional pain and not knowing.
Reread your post as many times as you want or need to, look at it as having been posted by someone else, would you advise that person to stay or leave? It’s not easy leaving, I needed wa help. Someone to believe I wasn’t overreacting. It worries me he’s already spending your investment on a child you don’t even have. It’s the old carrot and stick. Look up the cycle of abuse again. He knows you want security a family of your own. Can you imagine how he’ll be when you’re giving your time to this baby and not him, you want a baby yet he’s already got you going back to work. Imagine that’s the way it goes. You’re out at work all day, come home. Will he have prepared a dinner, have the house reasonably tidy. How he is now will not change. Have you heard the sing, a sticking plaster baby. They never stick a relationship back together. It will eventually collapse. Please,please contact wa, you’ve got money coming let them help you get away from him.
IWMB

[Anonymous]

I 2nd and 3rd everything just said here by others. No. 1 he’s using you. No. 2 he likes having someone to torture and control. Makes me shiver to think you would marry him or have a baby with this man, really does. If you do, you will remember this time in your life when you almost escaped and kick yourself. You can’t fix him. Can’t walk on eggshells better enough. If he was going to change, he would have by now, of his own accord and will and not because you had to threaten or anything else. You didn’t take him to raise but he seems to think you did. This is absolute abuse and I am so sorry you think you looking out for your wellbeing in life is selfish or mean towards him. His poison is working. You’re in that thick fog and you’re paralyzed but you are reaching out here to us which is really really good. You can’t trust your own mind when you’re own mind is playing the song of “do everything for him because it’s all about him”. You’re in a codependent nightmare here. It’s as if you are bleeding all over the floor and you are more worried what he thinks about it and how he’s feeling. It won’t be okay my love if you continue going down the rabbit hole. Sometimes we are the person on top of the roof in a flood begging begging God to rescue us and a boat comes by and we say No, I’m waiting for God to save me, as you sink deeper and deeper. A chopper comes in with a basket and we say No, I’m waiting for God to save me, now almost submerged in the raging waters we say, I don’t know what’s wrong, I was waiting to be saved and God says, I sent a boat and a helicopter.

I know, I’ve been there and it’s brutal. But you have a good mind, you know exactly what you are seeing deep down. You don’t like being held hostage. I’m sure you probably understand too that a baby is going to be competition for him which he won’t like. Why? Because he is a child himself. Everything you wrote in your post screams of manipulation, gaslighting, projection, extreme selfishness on His part, bullying, guilt tripping, financial abuse, isolation of you from people who care about you, which is all Abuse. It will only get worse the longer you stay with him. I’m quite sure he has it all worked out in his head how he will control you better if you have a child which means then you will be even more connected to him financially. Your health is screaming at you as well that – his effect on your life is really hurting you.

We are here to Affirm you in that – you see exactly what you see here for what it is. Minus, of course, the part that it’s all your fault. It isn’t. Of course he can switch it on and off with the charm and the abuse. There’s no conscience here. No empathy. I can’t imagine trusting this man with a little baby’s life to be honest. I’m sure he will be wanting to be a stay at home daddy while you work. Yikes! Love yourself Zantum. Protect yourself. The helicopter is still hovering!

[Anonymous]

“See What You Made Me Do” by Jess Hill is a good book for you….

[Camel]

Hi Byzantium

To answer your question, no, you are not selfish and there’s nothing wrong with you.

From the very beginning you have been manipulated into doing things you don’t want to do and persuaded to accept behaviour that ordinarily you wouldn’t put up with. Your partner is extremely manipulative and controlling and right at the start made you fight for this relationship, even though in normal circumstances you’d walk away.

Why would a sensible person put up with ignoring behaviour, silent treatment, threats to end the relationship – especially in the early stages? I did. So I understand how insidious it is, and how you’re made to feel responsible for the health of the relationship. It’s what YOU did, it’s YOUR fault, YOU have to be punished. Probably, like me, you stood your ground and attempted a logical discussion but ended up in circular arguments that ended up with him shouting, storming off, ignoring, then acting as if nothing had happened.

You can’t blame yourself for becoming a victim. Normal people like us can’t imagine that someone we love isn’t interested in resolution, that they thrive on disruption and gaining the upper hand.

But now you do have the first inklings that something isn’t right. Read back over your post and the words you use to describe how you feel – anxious, stressed, worried, ashamed, worthless, guilty, selfish. And the words he uses about you – useless, idiot. Think of what he does – gives up his job to leave you short of cash, then tells you how to spend your limited funds. Constantly criticises you and punishes you for ‘misbehaving’ or not ‘following the rules’.

Can you really imagine a wedding between you? One that you haven’t had to pay for, organise, get criticised for? How do you truly feel when you picture the exchange of vows and the ‘ever after’? If I was in your shoes I’d be feeling sick.

But more worrying, where in all this has he earned the right to be ‘desperate’ for a child?? You are absolutely correct that to bring a child into this union would be catastrophic (for you and the baby.)

Regardless of your property arrangements, seek legal advice. Decide whether you’re better off walking away now with financial losses or sticking out a lifetime of misery to provide this man with a nice little earner.

[Eggshells]

Hi Byzantium. No you’re not selfish, it sounds quite the opposite, you sound extremely kind, giving and considerate of others feelings. That is quite possibly why he sought you out in the first place. Your instincts are right, it would not be a good idea for you to marry or have a baby with this man, even if he does turn nice at times.

I read your first paragraph and thought, that is good, she’s spotted the warning signs. I wonder if she’s realises it will get worse. Then I read on and it did get worse. However, nice he is being now it will just keep getting worse. It sounds like he is love bombing you at the moment because he wants you to have a baby and he wants your money.

I think your instincts are right and I can completely understand why you are worried about marrying him and having his baby.

I wonder, would he abuse your child too or would he teach the child to be abusive?

Trust you instincts!

[Eggshells]

P.s. I wonder what he thinks being an at home Dad will be like? Personally, I found being an at home Mum to be the most rewarding and wonderful thing I’ve ever done; it was also, undeniably, the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

A baby takes over your life, your body and your soul. They need unconditional love. They don’t fit in with what you want to do (unless you abuse them I guess). They are really hard work and it doesn’t sound like your OH is too fond of that! I’d give it a maximum of two weeks before he gives up on it and expects you to do everything. It doesn’t look like he’s stuck at anything so far.

Babies are also expensive and it sounds like your finances are already stretched. Where does he think the money will come from once your lump sum is spent?

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