Am I a survivor?

[SugarSkull]

I was in an abusive relationship. We were together for over a decade. Everything was perfect up until he cheated on me. I took him back and he changed. He became aggressive. He was controlling. It all happened so slowly that I didn’t realise. Then it was (detail removed by moderator) years after he had changed and I didn’t recognise myself.

I didn’t trust anyone. I had no self esteem. I hated myself and felt like everything was my fault. I missed being me.

Long story short I broke up with him. A year after I met my soulmate whom I adore. When I met him I began dealing with things and fears I didn’t know I had came to the surface. Irrational fears. Inability to deal with emotions. Mood swings.

I’m so aware of how difficult I am to deal with that I am terrified he will give up on me. That in itself is irrational as every time I voice any concern he can’t do enough to reassure me.

I just want to feel free and able to move forward. I’m worried that I won’t be able to.

I know there isn’t a rule book, but I wish I knew how to make it easier because I want to be well and happy and stop carrying everything that I went through round with me.

That’s the only thing I want. To be me and to be free.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi SugarSkull,

I’m sorry to hear what you went through. Have you had any counselling, preferably with someone who is a specialist in/understands domestic abuse? It sounds like it would really help you to deal with the trauma of what you went through and give you a safe place to get out all your fears etc. You might be suffering from PTSD.

I think it’s healthy to seek outside help as a partner, no matter how wonderful, can only support us so far in terms of our healing. You could ask your GP about domestic abuse services in your area and also the helpline who will know places.

[SugarSkull]

Thank you Sunshine.

I had my second counselling session this week with a lovely lady. I’m finding it really helpful. Having someone neutral who I don’t feel like I’m burdening is wonderful.

My partner is understanding but I do feel like I’m worrying him when I talk about things.

He’s very supportive of the counselling and I feel like it’s helping. I wish I had done it sooner.

[Shell]

Hiya- your post resonated with me so much, its exactly how I feel.
I don’t trust anyone or myself. My self esteem is non-existent. I hate everything about myself. I cant do certain things out of fear. I behave in ridiculous ways because of fear. Everyday in life, I live with fear. There is no rational reason to be scared anymore as I am away and he cannot hurt me anymore. Yet I cannot stop expecting to see him there or fear that I will be hurt again. It makes me hate myself more.

A friend of mine, who couldn’t have been more supportive when I was leaving and has been there for me through everything, and I started seeing eachother about a year ago. He is a wonderful man and my insecurities always tell me I am not worthy of him. When it became apparent that we had strong feelings for eachother old fears crept in and behaviours which I used to do to appease my husband began to surface. I didn’t know I had these issues. I am terrified he will leave me. I don’t think I could ever cope. When he knows I’m feeling like this he holds me and reassures me until I believe him. He doesn’t make me feel stupid or like a pain. He understands. When I refused help, he didn’t push me and instead supported me. Then when I finally accepted I needed help, he was there every step of the way. (He was many years ago in a very mentally controlling and abusive relationship and was cheated on so many times, so he understands irrational fear. He says that still, almost a decade later, sometimes has to take a step back to reassure himself. His understanding and attitude towards his own mental health is inspiring and I hope one day that I will have the same skills.).

I feel like I can remember the person I was before my husband, and I want to be her again (well, a more wise version of her), but I don’t remember how to be her anymore.

Sometimes its like my ex has an invisible tether to me and still pulls the strings. I’m so lucky to have the most incredible and understanding partner. The people who come into our lives after there has been abuse are truly special people and don’t get enough credit. They fix us, support us, help us heal and stay even when our fears and insecurities push them away.

[SugarSkull]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in what I’m going through.

I shut down whenever something triggers me too. If I’m laughed at then I feel stupid and worthless. I lose my voice and become anxious. I hate that (detail removed by Moderator) years later he’s still in my head even though I don’t think of him. Why should he get to be free and I’m not.

I hope so much that in time I learn how to be myself and stop reverting to my learned behaviours. I’m not there any more and my new partner isn’t him. Sometimes I cry and explain to my new partner that I wish I could have the memories wiped or hit the reset button in my head. I wish he found me before it happened to me. I want him to have the best version of me possible.

One day I hope I can be myself without having to think about it.

[likevue]

Thank you for sharing, sounds like you both are definitely survivors!

This resonates with me too but I haven’t yet managed to form a new romantic relationship, hopefully one day that will come. But the waves of fear and lack of self-worth are so familiar, for example I’ve set up an online dating profile but every time I log on and see how many messages there are waiting I just freeze like a deer in the headlights and close the page again. Irrational, I know.

I know you can’t ever delete the past but I hope for both of you it’ll gradually become more and more of a distant memory, the more your new partners prove time and time again that you’re now safe.

[iwillbeok]

One day I hope I can be myself without having to think about it.

Hi SugarSkull,
This really resonated with me. I have been free for a relatively short time and have found counselling extremely useful in dealing with and healing from his abuse which was very subtle and long term before things escalated.
I have come a long way in finding me again, but your phrase resonated with me as quite often I when I am feeling “myself without thinking about it” – all of a sudden he will intrude into my thoughts. Either as a “that’s right!I don’t have to worry about x, y or z anymore!”; or of how he would have responded in certain situations. Living with my abuser was so thought consuming – whether it was the ‘practice’ conversations in my head so I could put things in just the right way (impossible!) or the trauma bonding; I thought about him all the time!. It is going to take time to re-write those pathways in my brain I suppose. Counselling has gone a long way to allow me to ‘make sense’ of what he did to me. I found in being able to talk about everything with no filter, with someone who understands and has no judgement of me invaluable.
I am still sitting on the fence regarding another relationship – one day I’m “I’ll never another realtionship – I couldn’t let someone in again”, the next I’ll be thinking “It would be nice to have the companionship again”.

xx

[Shell]

Sugarskull, literally, this is everything I feel:

I hope so much that in time I learn how to be myself and stop reverting to my learned behaviours. I’m not there any more and my new partner isn’t him. Sometimes I cry and explain to my new partner that I wish I could have the memories wiped or hit the reset button in my head. I wish he found me before it happened to me. I want him to have the best version of me possible.

One day I hope I can be myself without having to think about it.

You have a wonderful way of wording- when I try to explain to people how I feel I just sound like a bit of a numpty and then I worry people think I’m crazy.

I normally try to explain it like theres 2 versions of me in my head. Theres the empty one which my husband left who thinks the way he wanted me to think and acts the way he wanted me to act. Then theres the second one, who remembers who she was before him. But doesn’t know how to/is too scared to be and act and think that way anymore. Unfortunately the first person is the louder, stronger and more dominant one that has control.

[Author]

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