Am I a victim of emotional abuse?

[Daisyfeilds]

Hello everyone!
I’m just after some advice around whether I have been a victim of emotional abuse from my husband.
We have been together (detail removed by moderator), we got married (detail removed by moderator) ago, I’m heavily pregnant and we share a young son.
In (detail removed by moderator), after an argument over something or nothing, he walked out of our house and then a couple days later left me via text message.
He blamed everything on me. All of finical issues, tried to make out my over protectiveness with our son hindered his relationship, said I showed him no love, I never made him his tea, his family thought I was a joke and we had nothing in common other then a TV show. He never ever told me he had all of these issues or that we were ever close to a break up. In fact, whenever a friend or family me never went through a break up and we discussed what we would do he promised me we would always try counciling etc and would be honest with me. Although I know I’m not perfect, I’m not to blame for everything. He has just tore my personality apart making me feel so small and bad about myself. If these issues were real why did he never talk to me? We always talked about our feelings… at least I thought we did.
The break up was terrible. Whilst (detail removed by moderator) came round and took all his stuff, laughing and joking for my mum to hear, walking through the house and my room as if it was his own (we lived with my parents) and he didn’t. Even forewarn me. We agreed to let the dust settle before making it public knowledge, but (detail removed by moderator) and it turned into gossip which come back to me. He also told our sons nursery the day after our break up with out telling me and I only found out as they spoke to my mum about the way he told them. We ad some minor joint debt (detail removed by moderator) from our wedding which he agreed to pay and then also contribute a sum of money towards the new baby bits. Fast forward a couple of months and he’s refused to pay any money towards the baby, incl the baby’s crib and pram. The joint debt was money we lent from my mum (detail removed by moderator) and thinks he’s given me enough money and won’t pay it! He is also giving me lower then the required amount of money for child maintenance and said if I want more he will take me to court and he’ll get more access to the kids so he won’t need to pay me more. He’s definitely blackmailing me with this. He knows I would accept nothing if it meant having our boys. He’s so hot and cold, one day or week he is nice and the next he is impulsively making threats, for example, another one, we agreed our new baby would be breast fed like our first. He said he wants the baby overnight as soon as he’s born and he’ll have a bottle and I’m selfish to breast feed! He’s ultimately changed his stance on this but the threats have still been made.
Just touching back on the money, (detail removed by moderator) That was a complete invasion on my privacy and my dad did not feel comfortable reading it and he told her so!
I did ask him to join me in counciling to try and help us co parent and we went to the initial session and he just torn me apart and refused to take part any further leaving me to pay.
He’s just been so horrible to me and everything is always on his terms child contact, finances etc and if we disagree he blames me and starts calling me stupid or an idiot or swearing at me. He has always been hot tongued in arguments and he knows how much that has hurt me in the past. He does it on purpose.
Moving forward, my concerns really lie with our children. I’m happy with the time that we have agreed to see them but I do not wish to agree 50/50. He’s emotionally and finically unstable and this has such an impact on my own home. We should be able to agree this outside of court, but if I was to go to court does the above sounds like emotional abuse? Has anyone else experienced this? What should I do? He makes me feel trapped and suffocated. One minute he’s happy with our arrangements, the next he isn’t. I got some legal advise and they urged me to sort outside of court as he will likely get 50/50x like I said, I just feel so trapped.

[KIP.]

Yes you absolutely are. Please contact your local women’s aid and ring the national domestic abuse helpline. Use a third party for all contact and do it via email. Any contact he has with you he will use it o further abuse you. Get some free legal advice too. Most solicitors offer free initial advice.

[Cecile]

Get a second opinion on the 50/50 split. Also you do have a good reason to NOT proceed with mediation. There is evidence of mental/emotional stability from him and that you fear he would utilise mediation, based upon your knowledge and experience, to further abuse you. Look up the government rules, it’s very clear cut.
Breast feeding is your prerogative and it is so highly abusive of him to try and dictate what you should do in relation to meeting the basic and most compelling needs of your baby.
Write down, in list form with dates if possible, the abusive actions he has taken against you, include the example that you gave above. You will probably find yourself remembering more as you go. Look at the law on coercive control and see which bits of it covers his behaviour. Write it down clearly and simply for example– emotional control and abuse, what the example is, how many times, and how it made you feel. Financial control, what he did , when, how it made you feel, the consequences. Write down your fears of his care of your children, request an assessment of his parenting. Ring a charity such as DVassist and discuss your needs, you may be surprised. You can email them and they will get back.
have a plan. Design an escape from this relationship step by step, include your children. Go to your GP and have a record made of the impact of his actions upon you, such as sleep or mood issues. Get your name down for counselling. Build a nice social and professional network of support. This is very important as it adds weight to your concerns for the people who have the powers to make decisions. May seem daunting but if you make a list of tasks and take it step by step you will get there. Well done for realising that he is abusive to you. Keep seeking advice e here.

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