Am I abusive??

[Lost1234]

Hi,

I’m going to try not to make this too long, but I really need some help/advice on what I’m going through.

Ive been married for not very long and I’m worried my husband is emotionally abusive, but at the same time I’m not sure if it is me with the problem and whether I am abusive to him?? Here are some examples of what life is like right now:

– he has an alcohol problem & insists/guilts me into also being t-total even if I’m out with my friends without him.
– he forced me to give up smoking (bad habit I know), through putting me down, saying I stink and he doesn’t want to date a smoker. Making me read non-smoking books & throwing my cigarettes away. But when he has a drink he will smoke and then I’m allowed to, until the next day when I’m not allowed to anymore and the cycle starts again. So confusing.
– he told me sex was boring with me, and that I was unadventurous. He pressured me to play a (detail removed by moderator) with him once and I was close to tears the whole time. We don’t have sex at all anymore…
– he tells me I can’t walk our dog alone because he’s worried he is too strong & makes me feel anxious that I will drop the lead. And then he flips out at me saying he always walks the dog and I don’t help with anything.
– he threatens to leave a lot. Never overtly, but always something like “maybe we should live apart for a while”, and then he tells me that’s not what he meant at all and I’m being emotional.
– he tells me I dress immature. Or like a granny. Or that colours don’t suit me, and I should shop certain places etc.
– he says he has sacrificed his life for my career, and that I am ungrateful and I don’t do anything to help him.
– if I ever try to confront the behaviour, I always end up in tears and apologising. He says I am emotionally unstable and that he has to walk on eggshells. Which makes me feel like a bad person.
– he tried to pressure me into financially merging with him. I resisted and kept my own account but he judges my spending, and has pressured me into giving money to his parents before (money that he owed them) to the point I was crying while sending it to them because it was inheritance (detail removed by moderator)

The reason I’m so confused, is that he makes it seem he is trying to help me kick bad habits and says that I am abusive to him and ungrateful. This evening he said he was scared of me. But no one else in my life has even expressed any beliefs about me like that. If anything my friends say I am too soft, and also none of my friends like him. Is this normal?? Is it possible that I could be the abusive one here and just demonising my husband? I do get upset a lot, and none of my previous relationships worked out. Maybe I am unreasonable?

[Weak Link]

Hi Lost1234,

He sounds very much like my husband (soon to be ex). It’s very confusing when they say such things and then call us emotional.

Asking if you are abusive means you are not the abuser. I used to feel the same way. They manipulate you into thinking you are the abuser. Has he ever asked such a question? I very much doubt it.

Parts of your life sound very similar to mine, and many other womens on this forum. I have sworn off men for this reason. There don’t seem to be many good ones left in the world.

Like my husband did to me, your husband is breaking you down emotionally and psychologically. I know its hard and like my husband did to me, he is making you doubt yourself, but don’t let him break you. He is gaslighting and manipulating you so that you feel powerless. That way he is able to assert control over you more. The financial abuse is another point I saw in your post. Be careful. Mine started similar and one thing led to another. By the time I realised, my husband cleared thousands. As for the intimate relation, I had the same. Obviously you’re behaviour will change as you being told what you can and can’t do every minute of the day. I’m sure he can find other ways for himself.

If I may suggest, talk to domestic abuse helplines or email them, but only if its safe. I am so glad I did call and email as I have (detail removed by Moderator) years of evidence of me asking for help. I found it difficult to talk to GPs or others. The help lines were my starting point and I knew I was not alone. If you do email domestic abuse helplines, clear that section of browsing history, hide emails (as best as you can) and delete any call history off your phone, if you phone them.

Remember to keep your phone charged at all times and ring 999 if you feel in danger. Please don’t hesitate, like I did, a thousand times in my marriage. Keep a go bag ready (hidden with essentials and important documents).

A few years ago I also opened a separate account and had my cards and statement sent to my relatives address. But only use soneones address you fully trust. If you speak to banks or building societies about the circumstances they will let you have a different address from your current address. I wrote down what I wanted to say to the bank on a piece of paper and handed it to the clerk. They then took me to a quiet office. The money I saved is now coming in useful. I believe HSBC have started something new recently to help victims of domestic abuse to hide their money.

Sorry if I’m scaring you. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I hope I can help others not make the same as me.

Take care of yourself and be safe.

[Anonymous]

No it’s not you , it’s him ! I had all of this also , please get out as soon as you can, it will get worse , his trying to break you down to have complete control over you . What about his bad habits ? He drinks ? Has he stopped? His made you stop smoking , but it’s ok for him to smoke when drunk and still drink . Very one sided relationship and that’s how it will always be . Do not merge any financial accounts with him as he will bleed you dry or try to . Everything your saying his doing is abuse , control , coercive control , emotional blackmail & manipulation, his doing all the tactics used in abusive relationships. I would now try and think , plan a way of removing yourself away from him safely, talk to the advice line and read up on abusive relationships, red flags to look out for , try and educate yourself as much as you can . Believe me it’s not you x

[Camel]

Abusers love to tell us what miserable failures we are. The list of our shortcomings just gets longer and longer. We’ll put one thing right (give up smoking, pay his debts) then he’ll add another one. If we fight our corner, stand up for ourselves, we’re emotional or abusive or ungrateful or whatever.

Your husband is abusive in so many ways. He is coercive and controlling, sexually and financially abusive. He insults and demeans you. He treats you as his inferior, in need of guidance and rules.

You are not abusive, you are abused.

[Hereforhelp]

You are not abusive, you wouldn’t be on here asking or worrying about being abusive if you were an abuser as abusers do not give a s**t about anyone other than themselves.

Him saying “maybe we should live apart for a while”, and then he tells me that’s not what he meant at all and I’m being emotional”… that’s gaslighting you which messes your head up.

You need support, contact your local Womans Aid… is there a trusted GP you can speak to? You need help and support, your husband is a classic abuser do not believe a word he says to you.

❤️

[tiredofitall]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I relate so much to what you say. I too have questioned many times if it was me but like you, I’m not the person he says I am in all my other relationships. My husband is also an addict. He criticised me not being able to give up smoking for a long time even though he was a daily cannabis user of over (detail removed by Moderator) years. He cannot admit that he is an addict. I quit smoking (detail removed by Moderator) years ago now for the sake of my children but also so he couldn’t hold it over me anymore.
He also said I’m not adventurous in bed, that I’ve got no sex drive and there is something wrong with me. When the reality is I don’t enjoy see with a man who constantly makes me feel unloved and gets joy from me bring upset. Nothing sexy about that!
It’s taken me many years to really see that the problems in our relationship are his behaviour towards me and now our children. The reasons why he does it, doesn’t really matter. It’s the fact he us choosing to.
If you are able to save up some money so you can leave I’d strongly advise it. I’m currently in the middle of divorce and house sale snd we are still living together and it’s not easy. But not being told daily how unworthy I am, is going to be heaven.
I wish the same for you.

[Lost1234]

Thank you all for your responses. It means a lot to me just to know know other people are out there, and that I’m not going mad.

I’m starting to learn that I’m not actually clear what a ‘healthy’ relationship should look and feel like. Should I ever feel restricted from doing the things I want in a relationship – is not doing what you want a healthy compromise for a partner, or is it being controlled? Should I ever feel free when I’m on my own from my partner, or does that indicate I’m trapped when I’m with him? There are so many confusing questions I have, and I just hope I can learn what is healthy and not just keep playing out the same tune…

[Camel]

You should feel free to do what you want to do. This might be controversial but I believe this includes things that we know are bad for us. Like smoking. Or things that are risky. Like walking a big dog.

A partner is, of course, free to express an opinion but he is not free to dictate, control, demand, instruct.

Compromise isn’t obeying. Compromise could be not smoking at home or brushing your teeth afterwards. Compromise could be keeping your phone handy in case the dog pulls you over.

[Hereforhelp]

Read Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven x your husband shouldn’t restrict you in any shaoe or form, you should never feel like you are walking on eggshells around your husband, if he wants sex and you don’t a ‘I don’t want to’ should suffice without ever having to explain yourself, housework should be equally split and no.financial control, these are some examples of healthy which I have learned since separating from my abusive husband.
❤️

[SingleMomSurvivor]

You are not abusive. Your husband is abusive and like others have said, he’s purposely manipulating you and confusing you in order to get control. I can relate to so much of what you described. My ex was the very same way.

[Hereforclarity]

I’m about to join the choir here and I’m so sorry you’re in this position. What you’re husband is doing (whether he believes his own victim narrative or not) is incredibly abusive.

I don’t know if it helps to read about similar examples in my recent relationship but it went a bit like;

– would say I was always making everything about me when I got upset about the things he did until I was apologising for my reaction to his abuse
– he would tell me I had anger problems when I was pushed to an edge with his controlling behaviour (similar to what you described e.g. telling me what to wear, how to talk to people, how to speak to him)… again most my friends would say at points I’m “too nice”, lack boundaries and actually had to spend some time in therapy trying to get in touch with anger as I found it difficult to express… so go figure.
– he would tell me other people he was speaking to about our relationship said I sounded cruel.
– said he was scared of me also?
-coerced me into sexual things I was very hesitant about claiming it was important to him and he would have to think about the relationship (implying pulling it all into question). I expressed that I found this hurtful and he would then be outraged that I suggested he would ever give me that kind of ultimatum
– would also suggest living apart for periods (after I just moved in) to create instability
– he would constantly tell me I villainize him and couldn’t take responsibility for my own “terrible” behaviour

The list could go on forever – All of it had me question whether I was really the abusive one and I for sure shouted at moments I felt overwhelmed, I got emotional when I was pushed into horrible situations and I resented him enormously at times.

It wasn’t until I left and spent more time with the people in my life I love and who care about me in return that I could see how twisted it all was… these relationships take so much of our perspective away and I believe we lose touch with ourselves in a way that’s difficult to understand while we’re in it.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s not easy. I still have moments of doubt and feel crazy in moments when I look back… but coming out the other end, it’s a hell of a lot easier/clearer now I’m not in it.

I think if you can see that the things you’re being accused of are actually what you’re experiencing from him, it’s a fairly sure sign he’s projecting all the parts of himself he knows aren’t ok – onto you. Abusive people need to do this to avoid the shame and accountability in order to function.

I hope you’re able to look after yourself and keep posting – it helped me more than almost anything when I was trying to get the courage to leave

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