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Hello, I’m not sure how to explain, my husband and I have been together many years but we have not been getting on and fall out a lot especially over how to discipline our children. He has been physically threatening and rough with one of our boys (detail removed by moderator) and they yell and become very enraged, our sons mental health is affected by this and he gets bouts of anxiety but if his dad gets cross with him he doesn’t act afraid but tries to argue back and do it goes on. Husband hi is I’m weak and I should back him up but I’ve tried to explain I don’t feel able to because I feel so upset when he is aggressive towards our son. Our other children are much more easy going and if we ask them to stop doing something they may be a bit grumpy but accept it.
When I search emotional abuse it says about sulking and withholding affection and I do this because I feel so let down and unhappy in our marriage. I’ve also expressed how miserable I feel and alone (find it very hard to make friends and keep them I’m rubbish at it) and if I’m crying he doesn’t comfort me he just says oh your tired or hormonal. So are we being abusive to each other?
Can an abusive partner make the other abusive? How have I had a relationship with this man for 1/2 my life and why do I now feel it’s wrong?
Son and husband fell out (detail removed by moderator) son was very rude to husband but husband stormed out of the house and started slamming the garage door then storming back in the house and banging things around and roaring in frustration. I have learnt a lot recently about how brains develop and feel we as adults are responsible for our feelings and reactions to situations that no one makes us feel angry or sad or happy (we are in charge of that) we need to remain calm
I’m sorry for rambling on I just find this is all so confusing and horrible. I suggested today we try and get some help to sort it through as it’s unfair on us all and he said well we can’t afford it.
Am I unfair saying he is abusing me if I have acted in abusive ways myself in the past? I feel a huge disconnection from him so perhaps it’s just a toxic relationship?
Thanks for reading if you have managed to!
Xx -
From what you’ve said he’s nasty and abusive. You’re not being emotionally abusive you sulk and withhold affection because you’re the one being abused. Why would you want to be close to someone who scares you and your children? Who doesn’t comfort you and who makes you feel awful? You’re right about development in brains and abuse will stunt the growth of children. While they’re terrified they go into fight or flight and the rational developing brain shuts down. Children also often dissociate when being abused, again stunting growth. I’d seek out a counsellor in domestic abuse purely for yourself or better still contact your local women’s aid x
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I have asked myself this question because I can see that I was being different which I’d describe as a defence mechanism, an irrational response because rational response have no bearing or impact. I didn’t have children involved, at least not my own, my ex had 2 children and I disagreed hugely with how he would react to things relating to them. Deep down I know that his behaviour was the cause of so many relationships breaking down (ours and his with the kids) but I do at times question this. It’s been a relief for me to get out of that relationship it was emotionally and physically affecting me. The day I parted was huge relief, I am still dealing with the psychological impact, but my anxiety levels have almost disappeared…until I hear from him which although is less frequent, when it happens I instantly become scared, anxious and have a feeling of not being able to be free. After the (detail removed by moderator) year s I spent with this person and looking at the relationship between him, his children and his children’s mum, I can see the emotionally impact and control through his behaviour he has had on all of them. Relationships that are unbalanced can become toxic, particularly in my case, I knew what was happening wasn’t right but I stayed quiet or made excuses to keep the peace but it had massive affects on how I was with him until I reached breaking point because obviously he didn’t like me putting that distance in.
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I ask myself the same thing frequently but that’s because that’s what he keeps telling me. My OH hasn’t been physical with me, though he has attacked other family members, including our son when he was about (removed by moderator) yrs old. My OH is very aggressive though, throwing and punching things and shouting, impossible to reason with when he is like it. We have been together more than half our lives but over the past decade, each time he has had these outbursts, I would probably have put another slice of distance between us, where it got to the stage of not really wanting to cuddle up to him anymore and sex was once every few weeks and that was only because I felt obliged too and to keep the peace. We are now at separation point and he blames my childhood, my parents and anybody else he can for what has happened to us and says I have mentally abused him and will not believe me when I say it is his actions that have got us to where we are today. I am being unreasonable because I want him to leave the family home, if I am the unhappy one I should leave, like I’m going to leave our children with him!!
They all work the same way and it’s reading posts on here that make you realise this, I always turn to the forum when I start doubting myself and somewhere, I find reassurance.
DD xx -
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, it’s such a relief to know there is somewhere I can ask these questions safely and there is so much support and understanding. Daisy doo your reply sounds so familiar, the most distressing thing over Christmas was when my husband was really horrible to our (removed by moderator) year old grabbed his top and shoved him (removed by moderator) all because he told him to give him his (removed by moderator) and he said no! So husband snatched it out of his hands and he kept standing up to try and get it back. (removed by moderator) other children were upstairs whimpering and crying. It all calmed down eventually (was late in the evening which was why he got so cross apparently?!) but my husband then went to bed without saying goodnight to the son he fell out with and he fell asleep crying (i stayed with him) (removed by moderator) it took me a while to pluck up the courage to suggest we talk about it because before he has been remorseful about falling out with our son but I was amazed when he was shocked that I thought he was out of order he said (removed by moderator) he really didn’t think he had done anything wrong.
That put a massive (I like the way you describe) slice of distance between us.
(removed by moderator) they fell out again ( my son is getting more aggressive, following in his dad’s footsteps?) and I got shouted at because I don’t back up my husband (detail removed by moderator) I tried to tell him I feel frightened when he starts getting angry and he sort of snorted in reply (removed by moderator) do I said it’s everything that has happened before but he just doesn’t understand.
Apologies I’ve rambled on again, it’s the not willing to make amends, seek help, blaming his feelings on our son- he’s the grown up and should be showing him the way. Ha well he is but I’m so scared he’s showing him the wrong way.
When I type all this I feel so sad and just don’t know why I’m still with him but the children adore him and then I’d be the bad guy for breaking up the family.
Thanks again for your support, take care xx -
The children don’t understand that they’re being abused by someone they love. No amount of adoring their dad will prevent the lifetime of mental scars they will have to deal with having been abused as a child by someone that’s supposed to love and cherish them. That’s why it’s so very important that you look after their well-being by protecting them from an abuser. Reach out to women’s aid for help. Don’t leave it any longer. Abusers simply don’t care who they hurt and damage, we are all collateral damage in their life. You won’t ever win, you won’t ever be enough to stop the abuse and neither will his children. Don’t waste a lifetime trying as he simply moves the goal posts and keeps abusing. It’s just what and who he is and it always gets worse. I remember years of crying myself to sleep and not wanting to wake up as I was being abused by my husband. It breaks my heart to hear that a child would cry themselves to sleep for the same reasons and I can tell you as an adult it caused terrible mental ill health. Keep working on an exit plan for all of you x
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Kitkat44, I can really relate to your situation.The thing is, they minimalise their behaviour and I have found myself accepting it too but mostly because I can’t handle the confrontation if I challenge it! I very often get that I never support his actions or back him up when it comes to discipline the children, but I have my way off doing it, which does not including yelling or hitting out. Kip is right, we have to stand up to them and get rid, for the sake of the children and so they know what is right or wrong and not follow their behaviour!!
Keep posting and talking, it really helps.
DDxx -
It’s a generational problem then. Because kids are moulded by their parents they learn there role in life. Theses men have no morals. KIP is right the kids don’t understand the dynamics off this or the long term impact. Abusive men do destroy families they split them apart In the long run. Stand your ground and get you and your kids out. I know it’s not easy but it is by far the best option x. Sometimes in the shorter term we have to struggle but it’s worth for the long term health mentally and emotionally xx
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Thank you all for replying, it’s reassuring and terrifying. Did any of you actually tell your other half’s you thought they were abusing them? There are so many people we know who just wont get it, his parents are very controlling of us in fact I’ve thought back to the early time in our relationship where they insisted we get a termination. How did I not see? They wore me down and I’ve been in their clutches ever since xx
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Hi, things have been ok ish but that’s because I’ve had some coaching and my husband has some hours work a week which is essential so gives us all some breathing space.
I’ve been able to get through to him that we have to work together and make this time gentle and happy for the children.
He has been leaving me to deal with them which is hard work but on reflection at least I can do it my way.
I feel our relationship is over but he doesn’t.
I’m trying to take a day at a time
I really appreciate the posts about my behaviour being a defence mechanism, thank you xx
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A useful way of looking at this kind of thing that I’ve found is *why* a person is sulking or withholding affection etc. I’ve kind of been through this thought process with an abusive family member, was I cold towards them, not supportive enough etc. Then I stumbled upon the distinction between giving the silent treatment and setting boundaries/grey rock type techniques. It’s all about why these things are being used. Yes I didn’t spend much time with them, yes I wasn’t close to them, but that was because I was trying to protect myself. It was never about trying to get them to do what I wanted, or punishing them, it was as KIP said not wanting to be close to someone who was abusive and who I felt unsafe around and couldn’t trust. Abusive people use these tactics to punish and gain control and power, those who are being abused pull away because we’re scared and protecting ourselves. I’m guessing anyone here who is thinking about their own behaviour is actually motivated by self-protection and responding to abuse.
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Hi kitkat44, no you’re not being abusive, as previous replies have said it’s a defence mechanism we do to keep safe. Another one I found I did a lot was to laugh at the situation which again would anger him so much. Found out that was a defense mechanism but they see it as laughing at them. He was doing a job around the house, said he could remember how to do it a certain way, he actually said I was messing with his head making him crazy, words I’d previously used a few days before. The whole scenario just made me burst out laughing at how ludicrous it was and how right everyone on here was at the time, it became so transparent. 😂😂 thinking of that moment still makes me laugh. Reading everyone if your replies could have been describing my oh. The giving in to sex because I felt bad,yet cringing and praying it would be over soon. You can’t love someone who is systematically tearing your family apart. I constantly felt like piggy in the middle. Always felt he’d be happier once he got me all to himself, but then he’d noone else to be nasty to so the dogs and I got more and more of his wicked behaviour. Of course he’s sorry now, is changing wants me back etc etc. Never going to happen. Divorce proceedings ARE, next, not sure if I can start them now but another few weeks/ month won’t matter.
Stay strong, keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
I think more than anything else, my lovely, is to be true to yourself… and deep down we do know where that quiet, calm, wonderful, peaceful, practical, no-nonsense place is. We do, we just know “that place” makes some people who frustrate easily uncomfortable. Whoops! That’s too bad! Because that place and that thing we know intuitively is actually – their medicine for their ills as well. But they need to make their own medicine. You didn’t take him to raise, right? He’s not 10. He’s a grown man.
Sometimes we spend an amazing amount of time second-guessing ourselves…..as if standing in front of the mirror going….the red sweater, or the pink one, the clutch purse or the shoulder one, the high pumps or small ones, hair up or down, etc.? Blah, blah. We know what we know. We’re women after all. Quite expert at it at when we listen…
We have to take a walk outside ourselves sometimes, no makeup, no caring what other people think, what we look like, how other’s perceive us, etc. Just take that walk and say – is this all okay with me? Or not? If not, then just set about doing something about it. There really isn’t a middle because if you are the only one trying here then it’s not a partnership. And you can’t be held accountable for all his faults and yours too right? I mean………you do know how wonky that one is and unfair?
So go on a walkabout. Have a good long talk with yourself. Decide what is okay and what isn’t. Decide how you want your life and your children’s lives to be and be about it. As women, we seriously have to get out of this male chauvinistic mindset of we are slaves of some sort. We’re not unless we allow it. We can actually rock our own world and set it straight if we put our minds to it. I’ve done it and seen it done. So many women here have done it. Do we mess up, fall down, get discouraged, cry, etc.? Of course we do! But the female will is a wonderful thing because it is flexible like no other will on this planet. So take your place with all the sisterhood here and know that – you can do anything you truly set your mind to and you don’t have to be superhuman either. You just have to be – you.
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