This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Braelynn 2 days, 20 hours ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #108006
     butterfudge 
    Participant

    My ex has sent a lot of messages which I think are harassing. I informed the police, they were concerned for his wellbeing and told me I was sending mixed messages. Is this right? They seem more concerned about him, not me. Has anyone else experienced this?

  • #108009
     KIP. 
    Participant

    No it’s not right. Harrassment is a crime. They can be concerned for his safety but also investigatate crime. Is your ex threatening suicide or such like? This is very common controlling behaviour. Ring the police and ask for a senior office to revise your case or speak to a domestic abuse officer. Do you have support from women’s aid? Ring the national domestic abuse helpline.

  • #108010
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Victim support is also a good source of help. They too have a helpline x

  • #108044
     Soulsearcher18 
    Participant

    Can you give us a bit more info butterfudge- is it one way contact from him to you? Have you responded to any, or sent any messages?

    Zero contact is what is advised I think butterfudge, as in don’t respond to him. I guess you could tell 101 if he’s threatening suicide and if you are worried and want to offload that.

    Ideally block his number. Not sure if this is possible for you if there are children involved though and you need to have a point of contact, if that’s the case and you’re getting constant messages etc, then contact maybe needs to be more formal through courts possibly?

    If you’ve just received the messages and not responded, I can’t see how you can be giving mixed messages?

  • #108081
     butterfudge 
    Participant

    Thank You,
    We agreed that I am not going to have contact with my ex. The police were going to speak to him about this. I haven’t heard how it went, but I’m relieved for some peace right now.
    Should I just be happy that the police have done this for me?
    I have blocked my ex and his family.

  • #108084
     butterfudge 
    Participant

    Hi,
    Because I have responded to some of My Ex’s messages he is saying that I’m harassing him.
    He has threatened suicide so many times now I wasn’t as alarmed as the police were reading his messages.
    I just don’t know if I just want to leave things with the police for now and enjoy a bit of peace. I think I’ll wait for the next event.
    Thanks for your help.
    I’m talking to a domestic abuse advisor tomorrow.

  • #108085
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    I’m not really very confident that the police always understand psychological abuse. I actually saw a documentary a while back about domestic abuse where a specialist DV officer completely mis-defined gaslighting.

    We ladies all know it inside out and understand the behaviour we see and why we respond as we do but unless you’ve experienced it, I think it can be difficult to understand the dynamic. They may not have understood the nature of the survivor who was selected by the abuser for their caring nature. Also, they have to look at it from the perspective of a court; even if the police understand why you sent particular messages back, the general public who make up the jury definitely won’t understand it.

    It’s good that you have blocked him. If he somehow manages to get through to you in another way just don’t respond.

  • #108086
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Glad you have support. Yes accusations of exactly what they are doing is common. Now you know he’s not serious about suicide, he was probably humiliated that you shared his attempt at controlling behaviour. He’s not your responsibility. You cannot help a suicidal person so report any further contact straight to police and don’t respond to anything from him x

  • #108107
     Soulsearcher18 
    Participant

    Great news that Women’s Aid are going to be on board with you. Glad you have blocked him and are going zero contact.
    Keep in touch, let us know how you get on with it all.
    Soulsearcher

  • #108290
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Posting this one about here and there. I hope it helps you. And yes, please do zero contact. He’s not your responsibility. He’s a big boy and it’s all a ploy to get you to put your fingers back into the pie. It is codependency, it really is…

    I’ve been thinking about codependency and trying to think of a way to explain it a little better because I think we hear the word and we kinda get it but maybe not so much. So I thought I’d write something about it here….see if this clicks with any of you?

    Codependency is a really harmful little thing we do. Upon choosing our mate, which we do, just like they choose us – we somehow assign their happiness and wellbeing to “us”, it’s our responsibility. So here we are giving ourselves a kind of godlike power that we just don’t have. They are ever so glad to let us assume that position however. So once that is in place in us, guess what? Every time it is clear that “they aren’t happy about something, that we displease them in some way, that their feelings are hurt, or they are failing at something, etc., then – it’s our fault, right? Because of course it is. We have happily taken on that responsibility to not let this happen. So we go above and beyond trying to be their everything, their savior, their this, their that and when they get angry or upset – well, we are failing in our job, right? It was never ours in the first place! That is codependency in a nutshell.

    When we leave them and should be all happy and everything, we still deal with (especially right afterwards) this insane feeling of failure but this is the “reason why” we feel that way. We failed. That’s how we feel. It’s like saying how come I was never good enough, how come he couldn’t love me like I loved him, how come he’s not grateful for everything I did for him, how come no matter what I did it never worked? It would be like taking a job out in life and being sooo under qualified for it that it was ridiculous, and there would be no chance of you succeeding in it. But for whatever reason, you thought you could be a doctor and yet you had no training whatsoever at being a doctor, but they hired you anyways and off you went. Of course you failed miserably but you tried tried tried to fix them, heal them because in your mind – you – had the power and skills to do so and they were “your” responsibility. It’s exactly like that – being in a relationship where you are codependent with another.

    We don’t have those godlike powers. Each person is responsible for themselves and it’s not reciprocal with someone who is abusive and predatory. They are happy as a pig in mud to allow you to assume this kind of position. And loving it when you start having all these feelings of failure, misery, depression. This………should never be a job we sign up for so we have to quit the job. In our heads, in our thoughts, in our choices, in our patterns of thinking and being. We have to turn in our notice and quit before we are fired, before we do more damage to ourselves. There are times in life when quitting something like this isn’t a bad thing. We didn’t fail because this position was set up for failure from the very beginning.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account