Am I being abused ?

[Deepwithin]

Hi I never thought I’d end up in this situation , I have a professional job , yet feel so stupid. I lost my parents close to my teens , ive been with this guy nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years but dated on and off for (detail removed by Moderator) even that was strange looking back he loved to party… my question now is am I being abused or being dramatic or selfish ? I have never had a Xmas card or birthday card from this man but yet he has all the things he wants from me , every argument results in a hole in the wall and him threading to kill himself , he stays out all night at times but yet I rarely go out and when I do I’m bombarded with messages and he comes to get me. I’m accccused of cheating a lot , I’m never asked how I feel on days like Father’s Day but expect to have his thoughts in my head as he has had trauma of his ex taking his son away from him he holds that and throws it in my face when we row, to everyone he’s a happy go lucky guy to me he’s sometimes overpowering , he makes a show in front of people of being all lovey with me but in reality we’re a million miles away . I’ve put on so much weight and feel rank say I’m going to start eating healthy then I come home from work to a takeaway and get the drama of being ungrestful if I don’t want to eat it , I work long shifts he works to but he don’t lift a finger in the house , he’s been off work nearly (detail removed by Moderator) and hasn’t done a thing when I’ve worked on the (detail removed by Moderator) …. I’m so confused because I been in a abusive relationship in the past and it’s not the same as this …. I’m sick of being shouted at and scared to have a opinion, some days I can’t make eye contact with him he says I look at him funny , he’s never hit me just grabbed me or thrown me , I don’t have much family and the ones I do I’m distant from and he throws this in my face . I’m so unhappy but everytime I try to leave it’s mostly my house both our names are on the rent but I pay it and everything inside is mine but when I try to get out of this relationship he threatens to take my dog or ties a rope and goes to take it with him , last time he had (detail removed by Moderator) in his back pocket as he went to leave I grabbed the (detail removed by Moderator) and threw it (detail removed by Moderator) and then asked him to leave but he wouldn’t go , the one time he left through the door he took the key and come back when I was in work …. we ended up patching things up but I’m constantly in a circle of what feels like emotional abuse , I do have anxiety but is it because of that or is this a toxic relationship? He stays out and knocks him phone off then calls me crazy when he comes back from being out for over 24hours . I struggle to show emotions , I’m quite a stern person but lately I find silent tears dripping down my face and a sense of feeling trapped … I survived one abusive relationship but it was different to this hence why I feel so confused and a bit silly because I know some women go through so much more than this

[KIP.]

Only had to read the first few lines to answer your question, yes, definitely abuse. Please contact your local women’s aid and read the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Google the cycle of abuse, it will explain that feeling. I used to call it spiralling. My mental health was destroyed by abuse. Anxiety and depression and PTSD. All caused by his abusive behaviour.

[Deepwithin]

Thank you , il read up on it now , I don’t know who I am anymore or how I can get out I feel like I’m in a hole , the one time I had the courage to message her parents and say that I had enough and he’s treating to kill himself if I leave they said it’s between me and him , my friends feel a million miles away right now I pushed them away I know I have , but how do I get loose I have a child that is not his aswell I just want to get a bag and run but got no where to run to and I can’t make a fuss because I’m in a high position in my job I have bottled everything up I will look crazy

[KIP.]

Contact your local women’s aid for support and a safe exit plan. There’s also a refuge on a temporary basis If you need to or get some legal advice about getting him removed from the property. You won’t look crazy you will look abused and there’s lots of help out there for you. Just reach out to those who understand x

[Lottieblue]

I just want to tell you how wonderful Women’s Aid are. I completely relate to all your fears but they absolutely understand without you really having to say anything at all. They don’t judge but they support and they will make you feel stronger, they really will. And once you feel stronger you will be able to figure out the right way forwards.

Keep coming back and telling us how you’re doing. We’re all in the same boat here, either now or sometime in the past.

Good luck x

[Deepwithin]

Thank you I’m just so exhausted dreading round two later when he comes in from work I had it in my head I’d pack his van because he was having a lift to work today so he wouldn’t have a excuse to come back but he’s taking the keys and the house key is on them

[iliketea]

Yes definitely abuse, no you’re not stupid there are so many red flags. Id say get hold of the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? asap, listen on audible if its there, and if you have to wait for the book, look up his website. And google too to get a gist of what it is about – and the red flags. And read through the Womens Aid site and call the helpline, and do the chat.

If you’re both named tenants, I think you have to have the tenancy end and then you have one drawn up in your own name, without him. Call CAB or look at their website. I would have thought you’d need to be upfront and honest with your landlord about what is happening, I have heard others do this for their tenants but it is a personal decision. Or, terminate early if you can and start up on your own somewhere new?

Well done for realising and getting out asap! Is the MIL his mother? If so, will your child be safe there with her. Not to alarm you but just to check?

You are confused because you are being gaslighted, look this up too. You are not silly, at all, not at all, this is abuse, and it is serious. Definitely dont understate this, we all do, especially us strong, independent, resilient women, and that’s the key to how this happens as far as i’m learning.. Ask all the questions you need to. This is a really supportive and safe place. It will end, don’t worry, you will be ok. Not stupid, not silly, you’re strong and sensible and you’ve got this – just keep going, eat well, drink lots of water, deep breaths, exercise and make this the first day to freedom. x*x

[Deepwithin]

My child is in total isolation with his dads parents because of my job and the covid crisis so he’s totally unaware of everything luckily , I just feel so trapped and alone my friends don’t even ask how I am no more they’re prob fed up of it all and I don’t see my family , I’m so used to being alone doing things myself my parents died by the time I was (detail removed by Moderator) my dad and (detail removed by Moderator) my mam do been used to doing it all myself I have no idea where to start I’m scared to cry incase I don’t stop I’m just in a blur and numb right now I just feel like I don’t know who I am

[Wants To Help]

Please don’t let the fact that you are in a high powered job prevent you from reaching out or talking to someone at work. Domestic Abuse does not care about wealth / life style / employment status / how educated you are. This is the myth and stigma that needs to be overcome; women feel ashamed that they are being abused, but the shame should be on the abuser. Domestic Abuse happens to anyone.

Why would you look crazy at work? You are going through horrendous circumstances at home and this is having an effect on your mental health. Totally understandable. If your home burnt down in the night and all of your belongings got destroyed that would also have a devastating effect on you, but would you feel that your couldn’t tell anyone at work about that too? Please do not let your employment status stop you from seeking help and support. We need to stop thinking “domestic abuse doesn’t or shouldn’t happen to people like me.” Sadly it does, it happened to me too. What the abuser is doing to you has no bearing on your professional life at all. You are not responsible for his behaviour towards you.

I have known employers be really helpful to their staff when they have found out what is happening at home. They have given them paid time off on compassionate grounds to go to appointments, they have allowed Police to come and take statements from offices at work during the working day, they have even arranged a transfer to another branch so that the lady could move away and keep her job.

Please don’t minimise the ‘grabbing’ and ‘throwing’. When ladies say “he’s never hit me” I think they may mean they have never been punched. Have the posters from years ago of a lady with a black eye really been so ingrained into us that we honestly believe the violence element has to be a punch? The violence element is grabbing / throwing / slapping / pulling / pinching / kicking / spitting / poking / choking / head dunking in water / having items thrown at you. If you were walking down the road one night and a stranger grabbed you and threw you to the ground would you consider that as being assaulted? I’m sure you would. Please do not minimise that this man has more rights to what he can do to you because he is your partner.

Your abuser is never going to change. Your child is going to need protecting from this, so please seek whatever help and support you can get to find the strength to move on from this relationship. There is no shame in telling anyone what is happening to you. You never know, it could even be a colleague from work who offers to look after your dog for a few days to keep your dog safe.

[Deepwithin]

I can’t say nothing to work I have a position of responsibility in looking after others they the thought of police and I’m supposed to be in management but can’t even manage myself 🙁 you are so right in the things you just said your opening my eyes , I just feel a bit overwhelmed, how can this man do this but call it love telling me he do whatever it takes but can’t even be nice to me just says all negatives about his life I tried to get him help had him go to the drs twice for his anger but he won’t take the medication .. but my head says is medication really going to change this ? Even then saying stuff like that I feel my stomach turn because it’s like I’m saying my opinions which always end in a row

[KIP.]

You could pack his van and get the locks changed if it’s an option? Not sure how the tenancy works but you can also ring 101 and talk to a domestic abuse officer. The national domestic abuse helpline is also available.

[survivorabuse]

Can you try and get some family support? I reached out to my sister after (detail removed by Moderator) years of not speaking and she was so supportive and she helped me to get out. In your post you said he’s never hit you but thrown you, that is physical abuse.

Men like this can never love, they don’t know the meaning of the word! I hope you get away from him soon.

[Deepwithin]

Family left are a bit rocky I’ve pushed them so far away …. I find it hard to keep close to people I’m in my own lil bubble latley .. don’t know got to pop it … I’ve hopped along now feels luke suddenly I’m in this situation I find it so hard to process … part of me wants to have it out with him see if he change then part of me wants to run for the hills … then I think I’m naive to him I’m just so confused

[Dragon]

Definitely abusive my lovely x*x

[Author]

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