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Bless anyone who reads this, I’m currently lost without any family or friends to chat to. I’ll try to condense this.
My bf and I never officially got together. But we call eachother bf/gf now. We first…erm…did it… when I was (detail removed by Moderator). I’m (detail removed by Moderator) now and this raises alarm bells, because I was so naive and young minded at the time and had a bit to drink. But he always said how mature I was and stuff. (Detail removed by Moderator)
He made me feel lucky to be with him. He was obviously smarter than me, more experienced. I felt like he was the only one who could understand my depression amd he made me feel really special.
(Detail removed by Moderator) So living/working together. I don’t like it anymore, I’m surrounded by middle aged men who I can’t relate/talk to at all. The work is long hours, I don’t feel like j can just up and go. It feels like a full restart that I’m not mentally ready for. We were planning to get out of the country but now, the thought of thay frightens me a bit, compared to when I was a silly (detail removed by Moderator). Apparently i owe him a load of money, but he’s not kept track of how much, because “money doesn’t matter” to him (?)
Once we started living together, weird arguments started happening. Him getting really annoyed at things I didn’t understand and no matter how mean he was, I’d apologise. He’d use phrases like “if you don’t know what you’ve done, what’re we even doing? how do you not know?”. Like there’s been a running theme of him not exactly telling me what I’ve done but really giving me a hard time about it. If I ever try to say what he’s done to upset me, no matter how calm, its because of me that he’s acting thay way. Or I need some clarity on how I’m acting. As if I’m crazy and lacking any self awareness. Nowadays when I look back at these things, I feel resentment and guilt for not being honest.
As I’ve got older the arguments have worsened because I’m more aware. He will go mad over tiny things but if I experience some raw human emotion, its overwhelming and he “doesn’t need it in his life”. Makes me feel like a needy child but as soon as I’m alone I feel like a grown a*s woman fighting through my s**t.
Work is hard, the men obvs get on with him better. The other day one of the guys gave me a sarcastic comment so I gave one back, and my bf turns round to him and says (detail removed by Moderator) This embarrassed me, made me feel small and unreasonable. I got annoyed and he found it strange that I was annoyed because it was “just a joke”. What makes it so hard to deal with is that after we argue he will just give back to normal, makes me feel like the moody one.
I’ve had it up to here with being treated like this, the woman in me is so sympathetic for my younger self, i wish she had someone to talk to. But despite my strength I still question if I’m the one whose messing up, for not being honest, for not just leaving. I don’t recognise myself nowadays, I’m miserable, tired all the time, a bit judgemental and I can’t go a day without drinking.
Would you guys call this abusive behaviour? Am I normal for feeling mentally beaten down?
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He’s told me to stop acting like a victim when I’ve cried or apologised for stuff, he’s called me crazy when I’ve gotten hysterical, immature, fake, sensitive, get told to shut the f up, tells me all the things he’s done for me and I never try, says he wasn’t annoyed when he was. Constant tone of voice rhat gets denied, speaks over me 24/7, if we’re having a debate about random things and I think he’s wrong then im “being like that” or argumentative.
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He sounds horrible! Your place is in the wrong with him. It’s lovely that you have in you the sense of really wanting to protect your younger self. You were a child when you met.
He’s abusing you in so many ways.
Women’s Aid can help you, and when you’re ready make an escape plan. Nothing you can do or say will change him, and he isn’t going to change himself.
Well done for recognising the abuse. It’s a massive first step. It absolutely isn’t your fault that he groomed you and is using you to fulfil his needs. Abusers don’t stop until either they’re dead or they’re stopped so he will do the same again and again to future partners.
It’s not your shame to carry. He’s the guilty one. They have quite an armoury to make their behaviour seem as though they carry no personal responsibility. Dump it back on him!
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@maddog thank you for your response, I do feel ashamed looking back at it, I struggle to embrace sexuality because it doesn’t feel right… a people pleaser and an ego maniac don’t make for a good team.
I’m definitely gonna feel so so painfully guilty if I leave, is this common?
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Hi, people pleasing is due to the abuse you have and are enduring, he is abusing you, calling you names, mad, the being unreasonable and irrational is all part of his act. These men like a platform to embarrass us, this is also common.
Ypu are absolutely not to blame for his behaviour and yes it is totally normal to feel guilty about leaving. Read up on Fear Obligation, Guilt cycle (FOG cycle).
I guess you were quite a bit younger than him when you met, easy to manipulate and mould as you were inexperienced. How awful of him to abuse the younger you and who you are today. You are still there sweetie, inside your gut is telling you it is wrong how he treats you and you are right.
In answer to your question, are you an abuser… in short NO you are not, abusers do not care, abusers do not worry or care who they hurt, you are concerned that you could be to blame, you really are not. It sounds like you have put up with his behaviours for a long time.
Living with the Dominater by Pat Craveb is a good book to start with.
Keep posting ❤️
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Many abusers use sex as a weapon as well and it’s very common to experience unwanted sexual contact as part of the pattern.
As you begin to get a handle on the abusive patterns, your guilt about leaving with vapourise! We behave as though the abuser is a normal person who thinks how we do. Abusers don’t think as normal people. The empathy chip is missing.
We fall in love with something that isn’t real to fulfil our own needs. We can’t know what we don’t know. The man you fell in love with put on a front. Nobody’s going to tell you from the outset that they’re an abuser and will suck you dry of the will to live, probably rape you, use you to within an inch of your life, demean you and keep you needy until they have no further use for you.
The Freedom Programme run by Women’s Aid is really good and it’s good to be amongst other women who understand.
It’s not easy to get our heads around the dynamics of domestic abuse and a great many women suffer in silence.
As you begin to understand the dynamics, you’ll notice that there were lots of red flags from the outset of your relationship and by recognising these, you’ll be able to detach yourself from it. Baby steps.
It’s really worth speaking to your GP about this, and giving Rape Crisis a call. I was amazed by how many rape myths I still believed. I had normalised unwanted sexual contact and marital rape. I had normalised so many really bad behaviours for far, far too long.
You’re worth so much more than being treated as an object and a sex toy with a pulse.
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@hereforhelp I appreciate your comment so much, I don’t know how someone has gotten me to question my own gut instincts so much. I had just turned (detail removed by Moderator) when we met and he was already a grown man, but he’d known me through people since I was like (detail removed by Moderator) … for a long time he seemed far more chilled, I actually thought he was a relaxed guy, a victim to his unfair life. I’ve completely left alone my childhood traumas because they felt like no match for his
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@maddog
I’m not gonna lie, the thought that when it first happened…May have kinda been the r word.. has definitely popped up in my h3ad. But I thought, no chance! Because I never said no. But he doesn’t read my body language and has said in the past as a passing comment “I’ve never made a woman uncomfortable”. But that night…. felt out of my control -
Ah yes, he’s been playing the victim. You were at an incredibly vulnerable time in your life when you met him.
Your childhood traumas matter too. It’s not a competition!You know it’s a lie when he told you that he’d never made a woman feel uncomfortable. I remember thinking no chance that my ex raped me. It seems unbelievable. Abusers and consent don’t go together. He felt entitled to do what he wanted when he wanted. It’s horrible being used as nothing more than an object with holes for someone to masturbate into. That’s not consent.
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@maddog did your ex have a rough sex kink? He loves power over me, but when he treats me like s**t that becomes pretty unpleasant to experience instead of kinks and stuff
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It’s all about Power and Control. It’s never going to be ok, whatever you like or not with this dynamic. Please speak to Rape Crisis. I know we want to think of our sex lives as a private matter and that we have agency. Quite often we allow these horrible men to get on with whatever they’re doing as the consequences may be worse.
Fear, coercion, veiled threats etc, don’t amount to consent.
Stranger rape is unusual. Sadly marital rape becomes normalised and we blame ourselves. It’s also very difficult to gather evidence when things happen behind closed doors. Abusers live in an alternative reality where they can do no wrong. Our reality simply isn’t the same.
Your partner’s abusing you. I think you don’t have children.
For the time being, it’s really important to keep a diary of some sort. Perhaps get a burner phone so you can record his behaviour. I know it all sounds very drastic. That you’ve posted here is evidence. It’s such a frightening time, and there’s masses of real life support to tap into as well as this forum. Other forums are less moderated. You’ll get there. You brave soul!
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Id say look up gaslighting. Hes made you doubt your reality to suit himself. Its a tactic thats designed to throw you off so that he can manipulate you. He sounds abusive hes taken advantage of your age and the fact this is all new to you, he is and was well aware of this. Think of an abuser like this, theyre abit like box of tricks. They have many instruments and tactics to use against you to make you maleable to their needs. All abusers make us feel like its us that are the abusers this is gaslighting at its worst. We might retaliate we will defend ourselves but that is natural it dosent make us abusive. what happens is over time we become conditioned to think we are the ones in the wrong. My advice would be get out of this relationship do it in a safe way get help from womens aid and keep talking. you dont have to feel this way anymore. its not easy but you can do this xx
luv diymum xx
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It is wrong what he is doing and treating you this way. I know the fear and the self doubt and the questioning too. Hindsight is a great thing, but you are seeing it now. Use womens aid, use this forum, use whatever helplines that you can for support. Take it step by step and be kind to yourself. You deserve a happy, content and peaceful life. You don’t owe anybody anything x*x
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Aww thank you so much for all this support ladies it warms my heart that strangers are here ro help me out. I’ve sort of known it was abusive, but my head has been so frazzled I was convinced it was normal. I’ve actually already made plans to leave after posting on here. Gonna be some guilt trips I imagine, I’ve already been told that my opinion of things aren’t necessarily what’s true, stuff like that, I’ve just said I’m not debating it anymore. I’ll keep you updated, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride I think.
You are all amazing and strong as hell, and helped me a lot to confirm my thoughts, thank you x*x <3
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the thing is we are strangers but we know the situation so well plus the horrible feeling that comes with dealing with this. dont waste your life with an abusive man. the priority is you do this safely and dont tell him it really does have to be this way once its done theres no contact except through a third party if need be. this is the best advice i can give you from my own experience as i did this back to front!! 🙂 im out ten years now from a 20 year helish relationship 🙂 im as quiet as a wee mouse 🙂 so if i can do it you so can ! call womens aid too get more support and we are around too xx luv diymum
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