Am I being dramatic? Advice please

[Poppymayflower]

Hi all.
This is my first post and while waiting to be able to post I’ve been reading through some of your other threads and am blown away by the strength and support I’ve seen.
I’d really appreciate some advice as to whether I’m being overly sensitive.
My husband has been drinking heavily for a significant period of time although this is only in the evenings so he doesn’t consider himself to be an alcoholic as he he manages to work full time and doesn’t start to drink until late evening. If we go out anywhere at weekends he has to have a few large glasses of vodka before going out (not large measures – full tumblers). When drinking he is very unpredictable and his mood can change very quickly so I have learnt over the years to behave in a certain way to avoid him getting annoyed as his mood can flip very suddenly.

He isn’t abusive every time he drinks and we can have longs periods of time where there are no incidents.

He has never hit me but he has hurt me and left bruises on my arms by grabbing and twisting and he becomes very threatening. He breaks furniture as punches walls/windows while looking at me and calls me the most awful names.

Every time it happens he apologises when sober,becomes very upset saying I’m his world and he can’t live without me….reminds me that his parents are both dead and he has no one else. As I’m typing this I’m annoyed with myself that I haven’t left immediately after an incident before now.

The most recent one although this was some months ago, there was a child in the house (I was babysitting) and he smashed and kicked a piece of furniture downstairs while me and the child were in bed. He’d become annoyed with me for asking him to leave the bedroom so the child could sleep (he wasn’t being unpleasant with the child – but he was drunk and it was late and he’d been out drinking so was popping in to say goodnight to us both then sat on the bed for ages chatting). He got angry when I asked if we could go to sleep and went downstairs and got aggressive.

It was terrifying on this occasion as it wasn’t just me that I was worried for. Without the child realising I pushed a heavy piece of furniture in front of the door, said my husband was doing DIY downstairs and got my phone ready to call 999 however I very quickly heard him snoring.

I find it very difficult to admit that as the thought of a child witnessing anything makes me feel ashamed. I knew I should leave (and booked a hotel for me and the child fornthe next 2 nights of the planned stay) however it transpired that the child was actually unwell and the next day ended up in hospital so I was distracted from plans to leave.

Sorry if that doesn’t make much sense, I’m trying to keep it reasonably vague on here.

Because I was distracted worrying and visiting the hospital for the next few weeks (the child is now fine and it was a completely unrelated illness) by the time things were back to normal I never mentioned it to my husband again. I’ve never forgotten it though and although it’s taken a year I have realised that I do want to leave.

I have a good job with a good wage so can definitely cope on my own. No children and am excellent support network. I’m not worried about me and think it would be an exciting new chapter. The thought of being independent is exciting, a little scary but I know I’ll be ok. My big worry is for him as he’s previously threatened to hurt himself if I leave.

I’d just about got my head around leaving when I heard colleagues talking about alcoholics and one said that you should never leave an alcoholic for their behaviour when drunk as it’s not them, it’s the illness?! I don’t agree as surely safety comes first, and it wasn’t related to me but it’s just added that little bit of doubt again.

I tried to bring up a conversation recently as I found some hotel bookings in his name that I believe means he has been having, or at the very least trying to have an affair. I was actually really happy to find them as I thought it would give me a solid reason to end the marriage however he completely denied anything, said his identity was stolen and again cried and said he couldn’t live without me.

I haven’t brought it up again so I think that as far as he is concerned everything is fine. What I’m actually doing is acting fine while planning my exit and I now think that the only safe way I can do this is by just leaving, getting somewhere safe and then communicating by email (or through a solicitor if necessary).

I have friends with spare rooms who are keen for me to stay with them so I have places to go. My worry as I said before is that he will hurt himself.

Sorry that’s so long, I wanted to keep it short and to the point but I’ve ended up typing lots!

I guess my main question is, would it be cruel to just leave without telling him first?

[Poppymayflower]

Just to add that while the ‘incidents’ are happening I feel sick and anxious and tell myself over and over that this is it and I will leave, when he sobers up and a couple of days have passed I start to wonder if it was actually that bad. I think that’s maybe why in the past I haven’t left immediately following an incident.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome to our clan. Yes alcoholism may be an illness but it’s just s cover for bad behaviour. If it wasn’t alcohol ‘making’ him behave this way, it would be something else.
Threatening to harm themself or even carrying it through is to guilt you in to staying, that’s all.
You say you dont bring up his behaviour, neither do i or thousands of other women fir fear of what it might trigger.
You have made the first step by posting on here. Things will progress at your speed. Ma n wise women will respond to you. Believe your gut instinct, it’s your inner self letting you know that this situation is toxic.

IWMB 💕💕

[Poppymayflower]

Thank you so much for your reply. It’s so reassuring as you’re saying things that deep down I know. It’s just that little voice of guilt as I’ve always been so protective of him and hidden his behaviour to the outside world that I feel a bit complicit. I keep reminding myself of how scared I felt each time there was an ‘incident’ and I’ve arranged to go and view a house share as a starting point as I’d rather be somewhere neutral initially. I do everything for him, cooking, cleaning etc but then I have to remember that he’s a grown up!
PMF ❤️

[Tiffany]

Using guilt to stop you leaving is abuse – and it sounds very much like that is something that he is happy to do sober. I do agree with your colleagues that alcoholism is an illness, but that doesn’t mean that you have to stay with that person if they are hurting you. If they aren’t seeking treatment and indeed won’t seek treatment then walking away is sometimes the only thing you can do. My current (non abusive) partner is a recovering addict, and he knows that if he relapses that I will walk away, because my history of abuse means that I do not have the resilience to deal with his relapses. And this is a man who has never so much as raised his voice to me, let alone hurt me physically. You are absolutely within your rights and indeed should be leaving this man.

Honestly, it sounds like he is more abusive than you are admitting to yourself. Threatening self harm if you leave is abuse. Playing the victim (my parents are dead) is abuse. Minimising your emotions (which I almost certain he will be doing) is abuse. Have a read of the resources on emotional abuse on here. I think you will be surprised at how much rings a bell.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Poppymayflower

I am sorry to hear all that’s happened to you.

Please know he is the only one that can ever be responsible for his alchoholism.

I wasnt impressed wth that comment at all, as it is turning the responsibility back to you, and these absolutely nothing you can do to help him.

From what I’ve heard actually leaving would be the best wake up call for him ever.

Be prepared, and if he threatens suicide, advise him that you have informed the police of his threat to harm himself. They will deal with the rest.

There is nothing you can do for him, so please don’t feel guilty, you have tried everything you can, exhausted all avenues.

Keep your energies for you now.

Warmest wishes ts

[Poppymayflower]

Hi again!

I honestly can’t tell you all how helpful your responses have been. I’ve only recently considered his behaviour as being ‘domestic abuse’ after seeing a TV prog where a comment was made about a character who was being abused. A member of her family said something like ‘do you honestly think someone like her would stay with him if he was abusive? She’s not the type of woman to be abused.’ Of course it came out that she was being abused etc.

For some reason this really stuck with me. Outside of my relationship I’m assertive, successful at work, and the person friends come to for support/advice. But for some reason that comment on a daft TV show made me start to think about myself differently. You can be all of those things and still be in an abusive relationship.

I always wanted to be a mum and that was always our plan before we got married however for many many years he hasn’t even touched me and we haven’t had sex (sorry if that’s too much info) for many many years. He’s made comments occasionally while drunk about what a terrible mother I’d be, that I can’t even keep the house clean when it’s just 2 of us, and once said that the only woman he’d ever want to have children with was an ex of his.

Tiffany I think you’re right that there is a lot more going on that I’ve maybe been in denial about. Maybe minimising it all has been my coping strategy, I don’t know, what I do know is that I don’t have the energy to hold it all together any more.

I’m really very touched that complete strangers have taken time to respond and offer such reassurance and it’s giving me the strength to stick to my guns and keep planning my exit. It’s easy to minimise it all when the storm has passed and start to think it’ll all be ok but I know in my heart of hearts that nothing will change unless I leave.

I didn’t know forums like this existed until I found this one. You are all wonderful and I’m incredibly grateful

PMF ❤️

[Tiffany]

I am also “not the type of woman who gets abused” – strong, well educated, from a nice family… Except during the years I spent in abusive relationship, minimising the harm he was doing to me and making excuses for his appalling behaviour. It can happen to anybody. There are certain things that make us vulnerable – empathy is the biggest one I think, because we try and see things from the twisted perspective of our abusers and get sucked into their world view. But abusers can use anything to get a foothold – low self esteem is another common one. It gave my abuser his initial toehold as I had recently become disabled and had lost a lot of my confidence. A desire for marriage and kids is also part of their arsenal – I definitely hung on with my abuser because I felt I had left it too late to start over. I was just lucky that he overplayed his hand and started hitting me after we got engaged. He thought I wouldn’t leave once I had the engagement ring. He was wrong. I saw my last chance to get out without legal proceedings and ran.

It sounds like your partner is verbally abusive while sober. Calling names, telling you you are bad at things, criticising your housekeeping (while refusing to do any himself!) – all verbal abuse. And frankly even if he does only do these things drunk then that is no excuse.

It also sounds like you are walking on eggshells – worried about his reaction to your cooking/housework/etc. That is a sign that things are seriously not right. As is the fact that you a successful intelligent woman feels like she can’t leave a relationship because she feels guilty. There are three major strands that abusers use to keep us in line: fear, obligation, and guilt. It sounds like he does all of these. Minimising this is a coping strategy, but not the most effective one. The only way to change the situation is for you to leave. He doesn’t want you too – you cook for him, you clean for him, you bring in money – and he will use any tool he can to keep you there. So my advice would be make a plan, move out, then tell him. If he threatens suicide inform the police. You have done all you can and he continues to hurt you. It’s time to put yourself first.

[itwillbeokay]

Welcome and a big hug. I can completely relate to what you’ve posted and wanted you to know you’re not being dramatic. He has created an environment of fear and you are probably suffering from hyper vigilance. I left my husband earlier in the year after the final “incident” as I referred to them too. I was permanently on egg shells waiting for the next “incident”. Look up the cycle of abuse and trauma bond. I stayed with mine for a very long time because I loved him, there was a trauma bond created, I desperately wanted a family with him which we did have but things got worse. He was horribly verbally abusive and threatening and intimidating and unpredictable and I couldn’t take it anymore. I have learnt and recognised so much since leaving by reading and listening to help on YouTube. Our home now is infinitely lighter as are our lives. I’m very sad that we are not a family, he is drinking heavily, goodness knows what else, has insinuated he had done something stupid in the early hours of one weekend, he’s been unpredictable and concerning and currently doesn’t even see our children. It’s incredibly upsetting. But I now know he won’t change, things will not get better when xyz happens, it probably will continue to escalate and I can’t live my life like that anymore. I am thriving on my own and am the person I used to be again. I no longer live in strange isolation covering up our strange lives and feeling like a nervous wreck.

Sending strength to you.

xx

[Poppymayflower]

Tiffany – I’ve just discovered the FOG and it’s a real eye opener reading up about it. And your advice about calling the police if he makes threats to hurt himself is spot on. I did actually do that a few years ago after a really bad night. He’d smashed the house up so I grabbed my keys, snuck out and got in the car and drove off. I ignored his calls so he sent several texts saying if I didn’t come home he’d kill himself so I called the police. He was mortified the next day and even after apologising and saying he’d never lose his temper like that again, he still kept saying he couldn’t believe I’d called them. When I leave I will leave a letter and will ask for no contact at all for a few weeks initially to let the dust settle, but I’ll just call them again if I need to.

itwillbeok – your comment about hyper vigilance is so true! I try to avoid social occasions with him because I can’t relax and enjoy them as I’m so on edge about how he will behave. I constantly check my own behaviour and responses to him when he’s drunk in order to avoid ‘winding him up’ and if I didn’t do this I genuinely believe there would be far more ‘incidents.’ Also the way you described your own situation as being in strange isolation covering up your strange lives – I totally totally get that and it’s a perfect way to describe it!

My sister said to me a few years back that she’d found some old letters from me and how much they made her laugh. She made a comment about how much I’d changed. Then she said I was still the same person but it was like when you turn down the colour/brightness on the TV. I was a bit defensive when she said it as I couldn’t see it at all but it’s all making more sense now.

X

[Tiffany]

I was clueless when I left. Had no idea he had been abusive. Even though he had hit me multiple times – he gaslighted me so successfully that I didn’t truly believe he had done it. He lied to me so consistently and my disability combined with the stress of abuse left me with huge blank passages in my memory. I just knew I was desperately unhappy and something had to change. This forum was a lifesaver in understanding what had happened and learning to trust myself again.

I definitely ended up like a light turned down low, but I as the time goes on, with no contact and away from the abuse I am more and more myself. I was looking today at photos from before I left my abuser and now, and honestly I am so much happier now that I think I look younger in my photos than I do in the ones from years ago when I was so unhappy that it shines through even when I am smiling for the camera.

[itwillbeokay]

Sadly I recognise everything you are saying and probably more. He spoilt so many nights out days out occasions out and I never felt comfortable out or in our own home. But in front of others he wasn’t so bold, it was only so I knew or could recognise or when alone or once we were home. It’s actually helping me to relive it as he gaslighted me very successfully too. After every incident the next morning was him coming downstairs and basically giving me the silent treatment to make me question my behaviour until the atmosphere was so horrible I couldn’t bare it so ended up apologising to keep the peace and organising a “special dinner” or something for that evening. A night I knew I’d probably be safe as he was on better behaviour for a few days. I didn’t enjoy drinking in the end as he twisted things that were said but I drank so much when I was with him almost to keep in with him or to try to communicate with him as he wouldn’t speak much without. I thought it was a way in to him. He made me so unhealthy really. I even smoked his roll ups as I drank and then he’d switch and I felt so stressed but wanted to be near him to sort it out so I’d join him in the garden. I didn’t even smoke! Haven’t touched one since I left. No issue with people smoking but it was the weird way I found myself doing it to be near him to try to resolve whatever difficult conversation was now happening from nowhere. So many things. Lots of psychological stuff aswell where I’d be hiding in our room upstairs and he’d be quietly ranting drunkenly downstairs or banging and denying it was him or withholding when he’d be home so I’d be a nervous wreck waiting for him. Used to come home early hours several times of the week pre children (no job to get up for, worked with a family member then not atall) and then carry on drinking in the dark downstairs so I couldn’t sleep. A horrendous way to live looking back but the intermittent reinforcement kept me there then we had children and married etc. My light was turned down too more and more. I constantly covered up for him so his family think I’m evil number 1 for leaving after “a few arguments and when he needed me” (unemployment, for years). Let them I’m starting to think although it’s not easy. I see a counsellor weekly.

Don’t let him take away your chance of happiness and what you want out of life.

x*x

[itwillbeokay]

And when I say apologising, I mean begging and pleading really. I’m working on me now! I feel horrible and guilty every day but I know it’s misplaced and my education of it all has helped no end.

It’s very sad but these people don’t change.

xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, i get you when you say it wasn’t really apologising . I’ve begged and pleaded with my OH too, been hysterical. (No wonder women were carted off to mental asylums years ago) I can’t believe i was like that. I no longer care enough about him to apologise for something i haven’t done. Funny thing is, he’s started to apologise to me!
I drank a lot too years ago, not to wind him up as he says, but to cope with him, to be able to have sex with him. I no longer drink, not because he won. But because i need a clear head around him. He doesn’t gaslight as often, but i call him out on it now when he does. I also see him for what he is and does and i tell him.
Keep posting, every day you’ll get stronger. You’ll have dips but we are here for you. You are us, we are you.
IWMB 💕💕

[Anonymous]

Hi, Your not being dramatic. I agree alcoholism is an illness but only a professioal can really help. You can also get something called functioning alcoholics so they manage to work etc. Alcoholics use being able to still function when they’re in denial I’ve heard that so many times.They also (because they’ve admitted they can function)use it as an excuse to suggest they acted like this because they weren’t in control. They are and they know it. You know we are all strangers but I think because we have all stood in each others shoes we probably know each other better than most. It’s such a help to have people who understand us and what we’re going through its such a god send ! Keep posting and talking ☺x

[fridges]

Hello, poppymayflower,
All what you have described is abuse, the blaming on his drinking problem – it is not true, it is not legit excuse to behave the way he does. Many drank men do that, they put on drinking their aggression and abuse. But for the fact they perfectly aware what they do. It starts smashing things in the house, but unfortunately it will escalate smashing us.
Every case individual, for some it will be 2 years, 5 years, but when smashing furniture, your things, is not giving the desired results, they move to you. That you live in fear and do not know what to expect, this is already enough to leave him. Trust me, it is not worth it, the longer you stay, the more he will chop from your personality, your self esteem goes down and it makes harder to leave or even turn for help.
Have been twice in very abusive relationship. Both of them were attempting so called suicides number of times, when they knew I want out. You start to pity them, you blame yourself and they got what they want – CONTROL. Suicide is an emotional abuse, what they put you throw.
Do not pity him, pity yourself! When you are in these type of relationship, hard to care for our own needs. They are so ignored, and soon it becomes the norm.
He does lots of playing here. Sorry – it is not real, it does give him opportunity to carry on the abuse. How easy it is done? I say sorry, you are the love of my life, I will be good for a certain time and then he slips back to his normal mode. He says sorry, without truly meaning there, it is just one of the ways to carry his behaviour.
Once you prepare the plan to exit – do not go into direct contact with him. You need spend time alone and go no contact. As he will poison you, and you might get back, there would be crying, begging, stalking, suicide and much more coming. They magically find the perfect words. With my first abuser – I had so many attempts to leave, at some point I was successful and went to other country to live. And he still got back on me with all these mastered lies. With every return to him – I made my escape even harder. Slowly he took all my options in life and closed the doors for me.
Please read the book – Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft.
Please read – Boundaries after a pathological relationship – Adelyn Birch
No rule contact – Natalie Lu – for everyone who is struggle to break the cycle with the abuser. It will help you to detach from him and focus on your life.

[Poppymayflower]

IWMB you’re so right about us women being carted off to asylums for our ‘hysteria!’ It’s frightening really as it wasn’t all that long ago that we’d have all run the risk of that for just talking about ‘our men’ like this!

Fridges I think you’re right about the no contact. I spoke to my boss today and whilst i didn’t go into detail I told her that I’m leaving and that I’m not going to tell him first. She was wonderful and didn’t push me to talk but made it very clear that whatever I needed she was there, and to just tell her if and when I need time off. She even said that we can look at changing my working hours if I wanted to go and stay with family for a while so that I can use teleconferencing etc instead of being at the office.

I know only I know what’s best for me but what’s a good time to insist on no contact? I was thinking 2 weeks initially? Then a phone call, certainly not face to face at that point but 2 weeks is long enough for it to have sunk in initially? But maybe it’s not long enough as I don’t want him thinking ‘silly girl having a midlife crisis….she’ll be back’…..not that it matters what he thinks.

I did have a moment as I was talking to my boss where I started down the line of wondering how he will feel when he realises I’ve gone and how hurt he will be etc and she actually stopped me and said that he’s a grown man who is responsible for himself and that if I start that way of thinking I’ll talk myself out of it. She said that she’d often wondered about how happy I really am from little things I’ve said, but hasn’t wanted to pry. I always make a joke of things and I know that’s a massive defence mechanism. I’m quite skilled at making people think I share lots about myself without thinking but it’s actually all very controlled and a way of keeping people at arms length.

I won’t change my mind as there is nothing to talk about, let alone the risk of me being here when he knows I’m leaving. Any time I start to feel sorry for him I’m forcing myself to remember how I felt when we’ve had ‘incidents’, that tight, sick, anxious feeling that’s an actual physical pain in my chest/stomach. And then I come back to this page and others on here and read what everyone is saying and it just reinforces that I’m right to go.

DIYmum you’re so right – I can’t tell you how helpful coming on here has been. I’ve told a couple of friends very recently what’s been really happening (although even that was slightly edited) and even though I know they love me and I didn’t need to do it I still found I was constantly justifying myself. On here there is no need to do that because everyone just gets it!

It’s been a genuinely life changing experience and I’m definitely not being dramatic! I only wish I’d discovered the forum years ago but maybe I wouldn’t have been ready then. That’s another thing I like about this forum, there is no judgement and absolute understanding when someone isn’t ready to leave.

You’re all amazing and I’ll put money on the fact that you won’t believe that but you’re really keeping me on track

PMF ❤️

[Tiffany]

Your boss sounds amazing. So glad you have her onboard!

Honestly, I wouldn’t plan to make contact at all, and certainly not by phone, unless there are things you need his input in to sort out. Mostly because I have been there and done that – endless monologues on the tragic nature of his life when all I wanted was a signature on the firm to take my name off our joint account. Being convinced to give him over half my savings (genuinely!) Because he was so sad he quit his job but he refused to move out of our jointly rented flat and I couldn’t get my name off the tenancy.

This man is good at manipulating you. He’s intact so good that mostly you manipulate yourself for him these days. Once you are gone you need to give him zero openings to get back into your life. I would make a pact with yourself first to give yourself a couple of weeks no contact at all, and then only contact him in order to arrange practical matters. It seems extreme, but it isn’t. You’ve lost enough of your life to this man already. You don’t have to give him any more. If you are worried about him you can tell his family once you are gone, and inform the police if he threatens suicide, but that’s all you can take responsibility for. He’s a grown man and it is up to him to find his own support.

[itwillbeokay]

I second the above, go no contact otherwise he’ll wreck you and manipulate you. I had to block my husband and father of my children he became such a nightmare, and not in a quantity sense message wise. The content, the timing, the nature, the unpredictable nature, the threatening undertone, the inconsistency, I was all over the place waiting for the next one. I gave him one channel of contact regarding the children but so far he’s chosen not to use it. My advice is leave, then tell him and why, then sort out whatever you need to sort out and then say I won’t be in touch again and I don’t want you to contact me. Then block and move on with your life hopefully one day towards someone who will give you what you want.

Another good book, How To Do No Contact Like a Boss. Naff title, helpful read. Here for you xx

[Author]

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