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An incident occurred where we were doing a physical task together and he made a point about (detail removed by Moderator) I couldn’t help but feel this was in some way a put down? Unless I was being sensitive?
Fast forward on a bit and we saw some women doing something and he said how impressive he thought what one of the girls was doing. I know he was genuinely impressed as it was quite unusual what she was doing. I ignored the comment so he started pressing me on didI think that was good? I know he knew I was ignoring it because it was about another girl he was complimenting. At this point I just snapped because I felt he could subtely put me down yet praise another girl then push for me to comment? Straight away he accused me of being jealous and insecure. Said he feels on edge when we drive past or see other women, on tv or in real life. Admittedly, i have felt very insecure in the past (he hasnt cheated and isn’t a player).
I said i felt he was putting me down earlier then bigging up some other girl t. He said it wasnt a put down at all, that he wanted us (detail removed by Moderator) as it would be nice. Called me a silly, little b*tch, sensitive, c*nt, insecure, jealous, moody, how he wants his next girlfriend to be completely opposite to me, that he dreads waking up to me, cant bare to look or talk to me etc etc. Then demanded I go back to my parents to stay. I said I don’t want to because of covid and that I could then be putting them at risk. He said that’s rubbish even though he has been cautious about the virus. Demanded to know why I would want to stay with him. Started on about a previous argument, I said he had screamed loudly at me in this argument.. he blamed me because of what I had said. Told me it’s always me who starts things, basically taking no responsibility and just playing t*t for tat. In the end I basically went very quiet ans agreed with what he was saying and sort of apologised as it just gives me an easier life for the time being. I know this isnt healthy but at the moment I dont want to deal with the stress of arguing with him.Was I being sensitive when he originally asked why (detail removed by Moderator)? It could have been him just genuinely wanting us to do it together and I’ve made it into something it’s not. I know his reaction was abusive but now I’m questioning whether I’m overreacting to every little thing he does because I now realise he is abusive?
Sorry I know this is a bit of a mad rant but I’m questioning myself.
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If he wanted to do it together he would have (detail removed by Moderator). It’s gaslighting and calling you those dreadful names is appalling. Abusers deliberately push us for a reaction just so they can twist our behaviour to suit them. It left me so confused I was reality testing everything. If he thinks you’re so horrible and doesn’t want to be with you then why is he. He thrives in this behaviour and watching you suffer.
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Thanks KIP, yes it is but I am used to being called those things. Sometimes I will call him swear words but probably more out of frustration. I was thinking recently I genuinely can’t imagine being in a relationship and not be called those names.
I feel like I’m being a fraud by apologising and letting it go for an easy life but at the moment that’s my easiest option. If I fight back it makes life harder when I’m trying to build up all my strength and knowledge to leave eventually. I know it wouldnt be healthy to just bow down and let him walk all over me forever though. Do you think that’s bad? Sometimes his nastiness gives me a bit of fuel in my head that life will be better when I’m out in the future but other times it makes me feel a bit desperate.
I need to google gaslighting more as I’m still not totally sure of when it’s happening to me xx
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No, you are not being overly sensitive or jealous. What you have described is exactly the sort of game my Ex would play.
A classic example. He would hit the roof if I so much as looked at an advert with a guy in it for a second too long. Constant accusations of me fancying other men. He even accused me of (detail removed by Moderator) (online) because of the male model wearing it.
So imagine my bafflement when I’m watching TV and he is in the next room. I have never, ever said anything about wanting bigger boobs because I’m not insecure about mine and I’m happy with them. The across was not especially pretty or funny, but she had very obviously prominent boobs.
In he walks, stands within a metre of the TV and remarks (detail removed by Moderator)
I didn’t respond. He then made a further comment about the dancers in Strictly that one of the women (detail removed by Moderator) as she danced. I seldom watch TV and so when I do he always suspects I am proving someone.
When I pulled him up on the t**s comment, asking (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) his arguments were unbelievable. First off, he made the comment (detail removed by Moderator)
Yet I hadn’t ever shown jealousy or insecurity about boobs.
His reaction to (detail removed by Moderator) was (detail removed by Moderator)
And so it went on. More BS, more plausible deniability, more games.
They look for and find any weakness they can to bring you down, doubt yourself, question yourself, and there is *always* a plausible reason for why they do it. Not only is there always plausible deniability, but it will always be tagged as your problem because you are “insecure”.
Don’t buy it. The names are disgusting. Telling you what his next gf will be like is disgusting. He is a classic abuser and you would do well to get away from him as soon as you can.
Best of luck X
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Thanks Dolly2019, that sounds exhausting! Sounds like it’s all designed to make you feel insecure.
I wouldn’t have said my partner is jealous before but he’ll sometimes say (detail removed by moderator) if a guy our age goes by that I look at. It’s said in a bit of a jokey voice rather than angry though so I didnt think it was jealousy. Not to the point that I’m worried about looking at men but just occasionally and it obviously makes me feel like I need to say I wasn’t (detail removed by moderator). Or he’ll make a point of saying how a man was checking me out. It kind of made me happy before though as I thought well at least he can see other men are maybe looking at me. It does make me feel uncomfortable though. I tend to shy away from male attention, I’m not a naturally flirty person at all so it’s not like I’ve felt he’s suppressed how I can speak or act around men.
So exhausting trying to analyse whether or not what he’s doing or said is abusive in some way now though x
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Plausible deniability was a phrase that stuck with me too. The next gf comment is designed to work on your confidence and make you feel insecure. Mind games x his next gf will be treated worse because abuse always gets worse, in each relationship and also throughout their lives. Most murderers don’t start out as murderers
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@ KIP @gettingtired My ex *always* went on about how he would and someone (detail removed by moderator) but I agree with KIP. They escalate their abuse from relationship to relationship. They identify their victims more carefully and their anger (at themselves but projected outwards) from past failures comes to the fore as time wears on.
My ex, now that I have absolutely stonewalled him, has taken to changing his (detail removed by moderator) picture each day. I can’t delete him as there are messages the police can use and he hasn’t blocked me, so that I can see his uploads. The next will be a shot from (detail removed by moderator). I now know this because when he was with me in the early days and I suspected he was on the rebound from his ex, he uploaded a shot of a (detail removed by moderator). It was obviously a (detail removed by moderator) and it was an odd shot to post. I realise with hindsight and seeing the way he is doing that to get a reaction out of me, that’s what he was doing with her. He took the photo down almost immediately but it proved to me he was trying to excite her jealousy. Now he’s doing the same to me.
Little things but our instincts always speak to us and I always felt she was on his mind from the get go and I was a rebound. Now he’s doing the same with me.
Insecurity and using other women is the name of the game. It’s all they have!
I dread the (detail removed by moderator) shot or something similar (it’s not far off) and I’m just going to have to deal with it. Then feel no sadness about moving on.
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This may be difficult to believe but in healthy relationships it’s not an issue to have male friends, look at men in pictures and on tv. It’s OK to for both partners to be open about celebrities they have the hots for.
In jealous controlling relationships we are accused of cheating if we look and accused of being jealous if they look. It’s all designed to provoke a reaction and keep us off balance.
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Hi Camel, he isn’t really the jealous one although I do think he’s insecure in some ways else why would he subtly say ‘ oooh you were checking them out’ sometimes. He never used to do that..
Whereas I’m told I’m insecure/jealous/that he feels uncomfortable if a woman is on a tv advert/film or whatever. I used to be very insecure with him when I was really young. Not sure why as he’s not a player or cheated etc x
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Hi, I think we’re agreeing with each other.
Saying he saw you ‘checking’ someone out is really an accusation of bad behaviour. How do you feel when he says this? Do you feel caught out? Do you find yourself drawn into denials and explanations? Have you ever said to him what he says to you? – he’s just jealous, insecure, makes you feel uncomfortable if a there’s an attractive man on the tv. You’re accepting and considerate of his ‘insecurity’ (also called jealousy). He’s only bothered about how your insecurities make him feel.
How can we be certain it’s controlling behaviour? By looking at what WE do. If we change our behaviour in response to theirs it’s control.
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Yes you’re right. It makes me feel uncomfortable I guess and like I need to tell him I wasnt ‘checking them out’.
I do feel uncomfortable sometimes if there’s an attractive woman on the tv or whatever which makes me insecure. I guess I’m jealous too? Maybe I’ve controlled him in some ways by making him feel bad or uncomfortable if theres an attractive woman on tv or walking in the street or whatever. I’m not sure why I can be like this as he isnt a player or womaniser. Maybe because my Dad always focused on my looks and figure a lot praising me for being slim and a good shape etc. I dont know 😫 xx
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He’s played mind games with you to make you feel insecure. To prompt a reaction. They mess with our heads.
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You were jealous and insecure at the beginning and have these feeling again now. So, a good deal of time in the middle feeling secure?
OK, he’s not a player or a cheat. So what’s triggered your insecurity now? You wouldn’t be human if this didn’t knock you off balance:
‘Called me a silly, little b*tch, sensitive, c*nt, insecure, jealous, moody, how he wants his next girlfriend to be completely opposite to me, that he dreads waking up to me, cant bare to look or talk to me etc etc.’
He doesn’t have to cheat with a real woman in order to stir up your jealousy.
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You’re right camel. Anyone would feel pretty awful being told those things. I’m used to it though and I’ve always thought to myself he didnt mean it. After when we made up in the past and I asked him why he said those things he would shrug it off and say he was just doing it to ‘p*ss me off’ and I always bought it because he would be so lovely and love bomb me again.
You’re right in regards to not having to actually cheat to stir up these thoughts of jealousy/insecurity. I guess I’m so used to being told I’m insecure around other women I’ve believed it’s all me. 😟
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I’ve just read your comments on another thread where you describe his drug & alcohol abuse, how you’re scared of his reaction if you were to confront him, how he’s stolen from you.
What makes you believe this man is insecure?
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Yes it’s got to the point now where it’s easier to ignore certain behaviours of his because he just gets angry or defensive. Obviously I dont want him to be drinking or using drugs like he does but I dont want to confront him. The drug/alcohol abuse is another issue in itself I suppose. I feel sorry for him because I know addiction is a disease and not something someone can just snap out of. I guess I think he’s insecure because of things he says or does. He’ll complain about his appearance or his weight gain (dark circles due to lack of sleep/alcohol and beer belly) etc. Do you think he isnt really insecure?
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Addiction is destructive. But not all addicts inflict this destruction on others. Addiction is never an excuse for abuse. We are never responsible for addicts, no matter how much we love them.
Do I think he’s insecure? Probably not. Do I think he deserves to feel secure? Definitely not.
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He has started exercising which we have been doing together. According to him it’s to improve his mental health and hopefully kick start him to improve other areas (the drug taking). Apparently he really doesnt enjoy the drinking/drugs and it’s mostly out of boredom/because he doesnt have a job/hates where we live currently. He has tried multiple jobs here but always ends up leaving due to problems with poor management/being bullied on the job.
I agree addiction is not an excuse to abuse someone. I cant seem to shake the guilt I feel though.
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‘He has tried multiple jobs here but always ends up leaving due to problems with poor management/being bullied on the job.’ It’s always someone else’s fault. And being blunt, it’s probably not true.
I have some experience with drug addiction, having had someone in my life for (detail removed by Moderator) years, addicted until this year. We care about each other and I’ve felt sad that he could die of an overdose and I’d never know. When we made contact over the years I never asked about the drugs. That was his cross to bear, not mine, and I’ve never felt guilty for feeling this.
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I know, there’s always an excuse and he always wants validation from me and his family for leaving.
Yes I would feel worried about some kind of overdose. Particularly as a friend of mine died of an accidental od (detail removed by Moderator).
You sound like a very strong person. Wish I didn’t carry this guilt around for people.
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I’m much older than you and I’m still learning. I didn’t always have such conviction. I’ve lurched from one kind of abusive relationship to another. Just because I sound strong doesn’t mean I always am. I reply to posts on the forum because I’ve experienced some of it. I definitely don’t have all the answers. Except this. Another person’s happiness should never be at the expense of our own.
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