Am I being silly

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

So a couple of you will know I am planning to leave my emotionally abusive partner. Posting and reading the posts on here is a lifeline as before I found this page I thought it was just me or that I was being overdramatic and that what he was doing was normal. Since finding the page I definitely do not feel as alone as I did. None of my friends really understood and I felt as if I was being annoying by telling them if he had upset me. For a long time I hid that he was even abusive at all but now I feel stronger, I feel like I want to tell everyone, anyone. Anyway, I am making plans to leave and I am slowly gathering evidence of his behaviour. I am getting upset though the more and more real it gets, is that silly? I’m upset because I get distracted thinking maybe I should decorate the house or buy next years xmas wrapping paper whilst it’s going cheap but in all truth I dont know if I’ll even be living in this house next year, if my partner decides he wants it. I can’t make plans because everything is up in the air. It sounds silly saying it because that’s the least of the problems but it keeps cropping up

[KIP.]

It’s not silly. Your emotions will be all over the place and thinking about wrapping paper is your minds way of trying to normalise things to keep calm. It’s emotions we are not used to. Probably fear doesn’t help. I used to focus in one one thing when I was stressed. Maybe you should decide not to want the house. That’s one less decision to play on your mind and you can look forward to starting fresh x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thanks KIP. I keep going to make normal decisions but then I remember I might not even be living in this part of the country next year so it’s all pointless. It makes sad because I love it round here. I struggled a lot with depression and anxiety when I was younger, moving here really did help and it was the first time I’d felt free. Until I met him and the abuse started. Now he is taking everything away from me, even though he is in the wrong, he gains and I lose. Hw gets to keep his comfy lifestyle in a house I’ve worked to make nice with all my possessions that I’ve worked to buy whilst I start over. It just gets to me a bit but I know I am being ungrateful as lots of women would give anything to have the option to start over. Just needed a rant! X

[Freedomfighter]

Hi, Not silly at all. I’m feeling exactly the same. I decided to pack my new things separately and take them with me when I leave. I probably won’t be able to afford luxuries for a while once I’ve left. I keep having panic attacks when I think about starting afresh and leaving. Focusing on every day things is the only way I can manage. I clean and cook and decorate, but I’m quietly putting things aside that I want to take with me. It doesn’t stop the panic or asking myself if I’m doing the right thing etc, but knowing I have some bits and pieces to start again with is comforting.
My motto is do what ever it takes to get through this safely. That includes taking time out to do normal things to give my brain a rest from the stress of feeling ‘up in the air’ or confused or full of doubts and guilt. All this worrying is exhausting. Normal is good as long as we don’t lose track of the truth and why we are putting ourselves through this extra trauma. Psychological abuse is in some respects harder to leave because of the doubt. Mine was physically abusive in the beginning, but it was the psychological abuse he used with it that confused me. He would get me very drunk first then deny that it happened like I thought. He was normally so nice and hard built up such a good public image, his abuse seemed so… unreal and out of character and he acted so shocked and hurt by my accusations he had me totally confused and I ended up believing his lies. If he’d just tried to rape me and left it at that I wouldn’t have thought twice. I would have been out of there in a shot! I just couldn’t believe he would do that.
We suffer from anxiety and depression because of the mental trauma they put us through. They weaken us to such an extent, do what ever feels right. That’s my advice. Just keep hold of the truth and remind yourself if you lose your focus 😊

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Freedom fighter, you sound like you’re at the exact same stage as me! I’ve written a list of things I need to pack before I leave and I am going to start putting them away In a drawer, a lot less suspicious than a bag I think. That was what put me off packing in case he found the bag and twigged. I also get so so scared when I realise I will be starting again on my own, especially with my little one. I hope I am enough for her as she loves her dad and cries when he is not there. You’re right normal is good, and we have to keep up the “normal” facade anyway in case they notice something was up. We can do this! 🙂 we will be so much better off without them x

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