Hi unsinkableunicorn,
When you have grown up reading the subtleties of an abusers tone, it can be very hard to interpret those tones in any other way.
Have you had any counselling? It might help you to see things more objectively so that you are more able to work out if you are over reacting or if you do indeed have good reason to panic.
When you have been traumatised by abuse, it can be very difficult to understand relationships from any other perspective. It can also leave you vulnerable to predatory abusers.
Please consider seeing your GP to see if you can get any counselling. xx