Am I causing it?

[Pineapplepie]

Hi,
Sorry for the long post, I need to ask someone and I’m too embarrassed to speak with my friends or family. I’m new to here, ive finally decided to reach out as something isn’t right. I’ve known it isn’t for a while but I’ve been too scared of saying it.
I have read a lot of the posts on here and some sound like what I’ve been going through but now I’m questioning myself and thinking did I make him like this? has my behaviour and actions made him not trust me? made him insecure and angry that he feels it’s ok to treat me the way he is?
I’m questioning everything at the minute. He’s threatened to leave and i don’t want him too? Surely if I don’t want him to go, is it me?
I’m so confused. All I want is for us to be a happy family.
We have been together a long time, married with children. When I think back, He’s always shouted and accused me of cheating on him from more or less the start of the relationship, I haven’t, but there’s a few things he brings up that I can see why he feels like that, how I remember things I feel he’s exaggerating it. Most of the things he brings up are from before we get married.
every time I speak with a male, including his family members he’s questioning it and has accused me of flirting a few times. Recently, This one time I felt me, my husband a family member were all having a laugh together, I then went to bed and left them downstairs . The next day this person called me looking for my husband (his phone was off), my husband says he only called me because I was flirting with him the night before. Does this sound like it’s my fault as i think his family member only called me to reach him? When I try explain my thoughts he gets so angry, he won’t let me speak, he physically assaulted me at the weekend, I wasn’t hurt and am ok. He was drunk at the time.

[Twisted Sister]

I am so sorry to hear your partner has abused you like this.

Normally, if someone doesn’t like your behaviour they would talk to you about it, or show they’re upset and react, but not get aggressive toward you. His behaviour is not because of you, its because of him. Its how he acts and who he is, and nothign will change that, whether you think its you causing it or not. It is the best excuse for an abuser though isn’t it, that you made him be that way, and it makes you doubt yourself, because thats not your way of acting, so you think he must be right. He’s not, he’s wrong, and he’s only blaming you to take the heat of his appalling behaviour and treatment of you.

I realised (after a very long time, too long) that some things are not things you can ever apologise for, they are actions that cross a clear line, that he continually tries to blur, but crossed nevertheless and thats when the crimes are committed.

he will have to make his own case about why he’s abused you, and they won’t be interested in his claims that you ‘made him’, or that ‘it didn’t happen’, or that ‘she makes it up’. These are all ways for abusers to try to wriggle out andput the blame squarely on your shoulders.

Keep strong through this, he is hoping you will ‘save him’, you can’t, he’s long gone when he started abusing you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lisa]

Hi Pineapplepie,

First, welcome to the forum. There are definite issues with your partner’s behaviour that are unacceptable, so it’s a positive step you’ve taken, coming here for validation and clarity.
It’s never ‘OK’ to treat someone abusively. As Twisted Sister has said, his blaming you for his actions and not ever accepting any responsibility is classic behaviour from an abuser. It’s understandable that you still have feeling for him and desperately want the relationship to work for the family. However, for the relationship to truly be the healthy, loving one you want it to be, he needs to respect you and be honest and open with you.
Do keep posting here for more support and insight, as the women here will very much relate to what you are going through. It may also be useful for you to engage with your local domestic abuse service, where you can talk things through in more detail. This is a free service where workers can offer both emotional and practical help.
Also, The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

All the best,

Lisa

[Eyesopening]

Hi
Nice name, welcome, everyone here has thought it was themselves to blame at some point, it’s quite normal as our abusers try to get that into our heads constantly.
It’s not you, he just deflects the issues onto you.
Threatening to leave is a manipulation tactic.
Shouting – intimidation.
Accusing you of things you didn’t do is controlling and manipulative. I am sure you have changed the way you act around men because of him?
Physically assaulted you – physical abuse
Blaming you and not accepting any responsibility.
You are unable to speak to him and communicate. Because he doesn’t want to talk, he knows what he does and is quite happy to carry on like this because you being happy is obviously not a concern for him. Him being in power and control is just what he wants.
I have heard many times that couples counselling is something you would want to avoid with an abusive person as they will end up gaslighting and manipulating the therapist. You want to speak to someone alone if you do. Many therapists do not understand abuse and sometimes can be more harmful then good. For example CBT is not helpful in these situations.
Start reading up on abuse, Freedom is great also lots of people recommend Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.
Dr Ramani on YouTube.
Be careful and don’t let him know your on to him
xx

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you all so much for your replies, I will certainly look into all your suggestions and I agree, i do need to see someone or speak with someone for me, to build confidence and some strength.
(Removed by moderator), he decided he was going to speak to me and he has decided that everything is now ok ( he has practically ignored me since (removed by moderator) and after hitting me). He called me at (removed by moderator) asked me what were having to eat later and then screamed down the phone, said he wasn’t leaving after all but if I did one more thing he would. When I got home he kept asking if I’d cheated on him over and over. It is draining. He then said he’s going to let this one go ( I don’t know what I’ve done) and have a nice Christmas with the children, he was then overly too nice with the children.I have barely said a word, I can’t work him out or what is actually happening. All I know at the minute is that I’m embarrassed that I’ve let it come to this, I feel guilty for all he’s done for me and I’m ashamed that I feel this way.

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
I’m sorry your going through this.
FOG: fear, obligation, guilt.
If you google FOG: fear, obligation, guilt. You will get a website called outofthefog. The first page is ‘What it feels like’ I think it might be helpful to read that. It refers to people with a personality disorder, but I think it doesn’t really matter what label you use. Abusive, n**********c, etc. FOG really rings true for abusive relationships. The more you learn the better you will be able to understand how and why you got where you are. It’s totally not your fault, abusive treatment creates something like Stockholm syndrome, everyone has heard of that, but not everyone has heard of trauma bonding that goes on in a abusive relationships which is pretty much the same. The ‘why doesn’t she just leave’, ‘why did she stay’ thoughts and phrases are not really suitable when it comes to these relationships. Reading, Youtube, this forum, WA & your local DA service will also help you make sense of why he does what he does and why you are still in the relationship.
Keep posting and reaching out
xxxx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi and welcome to the forum and sharing your abusive husbands behaviours, all very familiar to myself and a lot of woman on here. I have also been married for a very long time, decades, with 2 children. The walking on eggshells feelings, the acting differently around other men (and woman for me) or I would get the silent treatment, my husband would say it’s not me he doesn’t trust it is others *this is BS, I see it now*. After I read the dominator I recognised my husband.. The Bully and King if the Castle (I was the servant.. so much emotional manipulation especially for sex!! If i had sex or did a sexual act then he was calmer so that became an unspoken spoken currency.

I separated some months ago, it was the hardest, bravest thing I have ever done. Like you, I initially thought I was responsible?I also thought I was mad as he told me.that for so many years). It takes time, please keep posting ❤

Take each day as it comes, write a journal of his abusive behaviours Pineapplepie, when in doubt read what you have written and what you would say if say a friend of yours shared that there partner treated them like that?

He will keep you in a cycle of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that keeps us under their control and they use all sorts of manipulating/emotional tools to keep us there. They do not love, the alcohol doesn’t make them more abusive, he IS abusive and knows when to behave.

Start with the books and contacting Womans Aid xx

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you all so much for replying, there’s plenty for me to research to try and accept the reality of this, it’s going to be hard for me to accept that the person who I thought my husband is, isn’t really him anymore, or maybe he has never been who I thought he was. It’s a very confusing time.

[Author]

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