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    • #73581
      IndecisiveGirl
      Participant

      So, after a night of silent treatment on (detail removed by moderator).
      Then (detail removed by moderator) we ended up having a long conversation, fortunately he didn’t get mad like he used to but he said stuff trying to say that I don’t consider his feelings and that I’m emotionally abusive because I don’t care about his feelings and I’ve never tried to make an effort to get on where we live (detail removed by moderator). He says that my mum and dad use emotional blackmail on me and interfere with our relationship (they’ve only ever voiced concerns about his behaviour – they loved him initially, we all used to get on and have a laugh etc but since I bought a house with him and moved in together, they noticed me change a lot/in a bad way). I know that he is wrong, my mum and dad don’t use emotional blackmail on me, but anytime my boyfriend and I have a conversation, I always end up feeling confused, questioning and doubting myself. I do constantly blame my depression/home sickness for causing him to act so horribly towards me. And I know over the years I have become more negative/critical of things and him, it’s as if the bitterness is the only way to sort of have some sort of control back if that makes sense?
      I love him so much and feel so guilty but I did try to tell him after about 6 months that the doctors said I was depressed and I wasn’t happy living there. We’re now (detail removed by moderator) years in and I haven’t been happy and have been home sick the whole time, but he just doesn’t understand, dismisses my depression and says it’s because I don’t make enough effort and also says that it’s my fault he’s depressed. I don’t want to upset him but I do struggle to understand his disregard for my feelings all the time.

    • #73586
      maddog
      Participant

      His behaviour is absolutely not your fault. He has isolated you from friends and family. His behaviour is crazy making.

      It is really positive that you are beginning to understand that his behaviour is having an impact on your health. It is so easy to shove it all under the carpet, to minimise it and forgive and forget.

      If you speak to someone at Women’s Aid, they won’t judge you or tell you to leave. They will understand. When you are ready, please start reaching out in real life. There is so much support out there.

    • #73605
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there and no you’re not crazy but HIS behaviour is crazy making. You’ve known for a long time this relationship isn’t right for you, I was the same, but too proud to admit I was wrong)
      My oh no longer has anything to do with my family, constantly criticises them, tried to make me distrust/ dislike them, which wasnt hard as I’d told him early on in our relationship how I’d felt less than in the family. They use that eventually.
      Keep talking to your doctor, it’s interesting how the symptoms of DA and depression are so similar, it’s not until we recognise what’s going on that we realise we’re not depressed as such but abused. That’s hard to swallow and harder to get over sometimes too.
      I too am so negative towards my husband he tells me how depressed he is, abuses me of being cold and not loving him. Yet how can you pretend to love someone when they treat you so badly, yet in their eyes it’s you who is behaving badly. No wonder it’s confusing. Have you spoken to anyone at WA yet, if you cant get through on the national helpline try your local one instead. The local ones can help you get advice from a solicitor to, help to untie you from him financially. It seems insurmountable in the beginning, but step by step, you’ll get stronger and walk away from him emotionally and eventually physically.
      Keep the lines of communication open with your family, they won’t be able to understand totally the dynamics of abuse but they definately know yours hurting and so very unhappy. Don’t let him know anything’s changed, once we get more knowledge we do get stronger, it helps to clear the FOG of abuse. He’ll notice any change in you, after all he’s been training you for a long time.
      Good luck, and I hope you get the strength to get out of this relationship, which we all know is not easy. Look up trauma bonding, that explains why we stay
      IWMB 💕💕

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