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This is my first time posting on here and I am a little nervous. My husband and I are fairly newly married. I know the early days of marriage can be difficult but I think I am experiencing more than normal. Whenever he upsets me, he tells me it’s my fault for getting upset and why on earth would he say sorry when it was my fault for being upset. He’s also taken away my debit cards before, can be very insulting about my weight and spends most of the evening away from me on his computer. Every time I try and speak to him I get shouted at. He also follows people for p**n. When I confronted him about this, he said that my feelings don’t matter and it’s what he wants. I have tried talking about things and it just seems to have made things worse. I feel as though he doesn’t respect me. Am I being a dramatic as I know these things are only so small compared to other things people go through.
I am sorry if I wasted any of your time reading this.
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Welcome to the forum,
Your experience and feelings are personal to you, none of us here will judge you. From what I can take from your post there are abusive behaviours being demonstrated by your husband. Not taking into account your feelings, blaming you and controlling finances are all very typical DA behaviours.
It’s hard in the beginning and most women on here will tell you it takes time to realise your in an abusive relationship. You’ve made the first step by creating this post. Keep posting and reaching out. There are a lot of experienced members on here that listen and give advice from their own experience. Your local Women’s Aid can help also. X
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Thank you so much, you’ve just helped by replying but your kind words are really appreciated. I have tried speaking to one of my close friends about this but she just dismisses it, so knowing these behaviours are abnormal and potentially abusive have helped. He also talks bad about my family and doesn’t like it when they come over? Is that normal?
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My ex was also abusive early in our marriage although I didn’t recognize it at the time. At the time I thought we just were having normal communication problems that a lot of couples have early on in marriage. I now know that the issue wasn’t a communication problem but rather the fact that he was emotionally abusing me.
The reason why your husband doesn’t like when your family comes over & talks bad about them is because he’s probably trying to cut off your support system & isolate you so that you’ll be easier to control. My ex went as far as calling some of my family members behind my back and telling them horrible untrue things about me. Luckily none of them believed him , but I’m sure he did it to try to cut off my support system.
Keep posting ❤️
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Hi Lonelygirl1,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand, it is great to see you have already had replies.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
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Hello and Welcome Lonelygirl1
Something that most of us seem to suffer with is this paralysing fear of being upset, and being wrong to be upset – the longer the relationship goes on, perhaps the worse that is, and definitely leads us to feeling mad, its called gaslighting.
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to keep noticing how his actions and speech make you feel, and either tell him this, or in order to keep safe keep it to yourself, but believe that what you feel is your protection and absolutely necessary. He will argue that you are ‘sensitive’, ‘being dramatic’, or whatever else, but you must know that you feel these emotions and hang onto that, its you knowing its wrong. We believe you, believe yourself.
It may be that now you are married he will feel he has greater control, that you are now tied to him in some way. Its not true. You can easily divorce. You are not tied to him, it can all be sorted out. Sadly the chances are he won’t stop.
The route out to being free of abuse is however you want it to be, keep talking and thinking your options through. Sorry you have found yourself in this position, we’re here for you.
warmest wishes
ts
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