Am I doing the right thing?

[she-ra]

Hello lovelies,

Have been out for a while now and there is no contact between him and our children at the children’s request. No legal or court involvement currently- original threats from him of taking me to court for access to them but nothing so far. I think he knows that they will speak to the children and our eldest boy has no qualms about telling the truth about what happened in our house and how he feels about his dad. My older ones are of about age where I think their voices and wishes have to be listened to. I always tell them if they want to see him they can no problem- I will arrange it for them but they just say they don’t want to or they’re not sure. I worry they’re worried about upsetting me which i don’t want them to feel. Just so worried they’ll regret it. I know he is staying im keeping the children from him and it’s all my fault etc but it genuinely is the children’s choice. But am I doing the right thing for the children? I feel so guilty to him but am also so scared if I let him back in I’ll never get him out again. I’m so scared of the negative impact he would have on them and the emotional abuse they would no doubt suffer while with him. It’s like Pandora’s box and I just want to do what’s best for the kids. So sorry it’s all a bit jumbled I just don’t know what to do for the best. They have all had their birthdays recently and he hasn’t recognised a single one with a card or phone call or anything – part of me thinks if you really wanted to have a relationship with them you would make some effort to show them you care but he never has. Thanks so much for any advice xx

[SeekingPeace]

Hello she-ra. It feels like such an impossible situation doesn’t it! I think you are 100 percent doing the right thing for your children.

My ex is currently trying to negotiate shared parenting with me via mediation and solicitors. I am declining mediation and want his contact with them to be minimised due to my fears of how his emotional manipulation and control will damage them as they grow (they are still very young).

There is no way I’d ever agree to shared parenting with him! It would be so harmful for both me and the children. My biggest fear is that he’ll take me to court to try to get his own way. My solicitor reassured me he wouldn’t get 50:50. I’ve been the main caregiver all along so far. He’s worked full time and I’m a stay at home mum.

The fact that your children are old enough to voice that they don’t want contact with him speaks volumes to me. As well as this, I agree with you, if he truly cared for them and loved them he would acknowledge their birthdays etc.

Stand firm! You are a strong woman and you are absolutely doing the right thing for your children even though it feels so very difficult. It’s a mother’s instinct to protect her children and that is exactly what you are doing. Hang in there! ♥️

[she-ra]

Thank you so much for your reply! It’s so hard to know what is right and do what’s best for everyone. Up to this point I’ve just tried to listen to the children and how they feel and respect their wishes. He laughed when I said they were too scared to see him on they’re own and thinks I’ve brainwashed them inti believing things happened when they didn’t- he wil always say it was my fault, I deserved it, I made him act the way he did, if I just kept quiet and did as I was told it wouldn’t have been like that etc etc it’s this sort of thing I worry about him trying to put this sort of rubbish in their head. I just know what he’s like if I give him an inch he’ll take a mile But I still feel so guilty. I just think I would never be able to go even 1 day without my babies so I don’t know how he’s done it so far. X

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