Am I doing the right thing?

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hey ladies. Would love your feedback on this. My kids are going to get to spend a longer period of time with their father, who is my abusive ex. They usually just see him a few times a month but then a few times a year they spend a longer stretch of days with him. I had been thinking about calling them via video one morning while they are with him so that I could say hello and chat with them for a little bit. The more I thought about trying to set this up with my ex the more anxious I became at the thought of actually having to try to get him to cooperate with this. I started worrying that he would just use this as another opportunity to be abusive. The kids don’t have their own phones due to their ages so I’d have to call his phone to video chat with them. As much as I’d love to talk to my kids while they are with him for that longer visit, Im really worried that he’d just find some way to abuse me, or ignore my call completely and not let me talk to the kids at all which would just be hugely stressful for me. He has a history of doing abusive things in front of the kids so their presence would not prevent him from raging at me and I don’t want to expose them to that again. I thought about it for awhile and ultimately decided that while I would love to talk to them, it’s best for them and me that I don’t video call them on their dad’s phone. Maybe when they are older and can have their own phones I can video call them then when they are on those longer visits with their dad. What do you think? Part of me feels like I’m doing the right thing but part of me feels like I’m being weak for not wanting to video call them on my ex’s phone them & that I should toughen up and do it.

The last time he raged at me it took me about two weeks to start feeling like myself again so I’m just trying to avoid that. He’s really unstable, angry and cruel and I don’t want to put myself in a position to be exposed to more abuse. But I also love my kids. Should I just suck it up and video call them? I’ve already explained to them that sometimes they will be going to stay with their father for longer times and that I love them very much and will be so happy to see them when they get back. Should I video call them while they are there? I’m going back and forth.

[Watersprite]

You are definitely not weak or being weak. You are a strong brave woman who loves her children and has escaped. Sounds to me your gut is screaming at you not to put yourself in a position that takes you back. I think you should listen to it. It won’t help the children if his behaviour sets you back.xx

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much for your response! You are absolutely right about my gut screaming at me. I’ve had so much anxiety thinking about video chatting with the kids while they are with their dad on those longer visits, and thinking about how he will probably just use it as an opportunity to abuse me. Deciding to not call them when they are with him for those longer visits brings me a lot of peace. I will miss them but it’s better for them & me if they don’t witness their father being abusive towards me. I will start working on figuring out how to occupy my time when they are gone. Thank you for your support! ❤️

[Shura]

Hi, think of it from a perspective – are you going to stop loving your children if you dont call for a while? Are you going to feel better if you dont have to interact with him? When it comes to contact with the abuser, cut him out. You know you love your children. This will give them time to miss you more and the hugs when you see each other will be much much stronger. Dont put yourself in a position that you know will make you feel unsafe, think of you. At the end of the day your children need happy and strong mom x*x

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you Shura! This brought tears to my eyes & confirmed that I’m doing the right thing by deciding not to call or video chat with them. I have been doing really well here recently and I don’t want to be set back. I know that he’d use any phone call as an opportunity to be abusive. Thank you for confirming that not calling is ok & doesn’t make me a bad mom.

[Shura]

it doesnt make you a bad mom it makes you a strong woman who is no longer available to be abused, that is what you teach and will continue to teach to your babies. i remember when i was in the position that my ex was coming to my house to see her and used to abuse me verbally and emotionally, and the next minute after that hed say come and play with us. that was the first time i stood up for myself telling him to stop teaching her that we are a family, we are no longer a family, he has his time with her and i stay out of it and i want it to be like that going forwards. I made it clear to him that his comments about my house, my car, my hair, my men or the flowers they are giving me is not his business and if he wants to have any comments about my life he needs to take them elsewhere. think it was the point he realized im no longer the same person and ill never be. called me a monster and my reply to that is – if being a monster protects me form him, ill be the best monster i can be. They need their children to control us, what they dont realize is , children grow up, children see and children hear but the most important part, they feel. At some point they will feel something is wrong and thats when youll have to be there for them, thats when you will need your strength to support them, that`s when they will truly feel your love. Sorry, a bit philosophical but i truly believe that you will be okay xx

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you for this Shura! I am feeling much better about my decision to not call them. There was a time when my ex would do visits in the house and it was awful so I can relate to your experience. He’d always be scanning the house to see if something was “wrong” so that he could use it as evidence that I’m a bad mother. It’s a relief to no longer have to do those in home visits with him.

I will continue to replay your words in my mind, “it makes you a strong woman who is no longer available to be abused.” Thank you for saying this!! I needed to hear this.

[Mellow]

Been in similar position and now I do not call my kids I don’t want to be triangulated or any of the likes I used to observe kids calls but he used to be their in background on purpose trying to figure out what I was doing coming in and out of focus.i told myself as long as they come back in one piece it’s fine.i did however monitor calls because I found him to be belittling my kids without my knowledge and women in the background where ever he was and this churned my stomach after that he stopped video call(I wonder why 🙄) and changed to voice this is much better as it can go on speaker just be very wary another thing I’ve thought about is recording the calls not done it yet but if it does get too much the evidence is there.my kids have a phone they mainly use it for that you could get one for only this purpose.all the best to you

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you for your reply Mellow. This was incredibly helpful! One thing I worried about was that if I were to video call my kids, my ex might purposely have his family members (his flying monkeys) in the background making negative comments about me. I think that he’d also say negative abusive things too. I’ve just come so far and don’t want to experience another set back. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m realizing that it’s ok to not call my kids when they are with their father because he’s abusive & that type of communication would just expose the kids & me to more abuse

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