Am I Doing The Right Thing?

[AceGracie5]

My daughter is really struggling mentally at the moment to come to terms with what has happened over the last (removed by moderator) months with our family breaking up (her older brother lives with their dad; she is with me).

This has been a slow decline since Christmas, with her being more and more reluctant to visit or stay with him and (removed by moderator) ago she asked to have a break from seeing her Dad, which I relayed to him. He did not appear to understand after I said she wanted (removed by moderator) break he asked if he was going to see her (removed by moderator) ?!

He left her alone for a couple of days but then text and called her with an invite to (removed by moderator) . She did not respond, but these messages upset her. I contacted him again and verbally asked him not to contact her again. His (removed by moderator)  sent my daughter a text telling her how worried her dad was about her. She did not repsond but this again upset her.

On (removed by moderator), I sent him a text to tell him how she was doing but again asked him not to contact her himself. He sent her a text and a Facebook friend request on (removed by moderator) and  (removed by moderator)  text our daughter. She told me about this on (removed by moderator) night, but had been ‘flat’ all day so I knew something was up.

I went to the Police on (removed by moderator)  to ask them to ask him to stop. They were reluctant to do so without my daughter making the request herself but Social Care told me it was my responsibility to protect her and she is an age where I am still her parent and guardian. I went back to the Police and they agreed they would go and have a word in the next few days, but it would only be an informal chat.

Yesterday I felt awful. Like I had over-reacted and was stopping him seeing his daughter, but he has not respected her wishes so I didn’t feel like I had any choice left. But I know he is going to be so mad when the police go round and I feel scared of what he will do next.

(Removed by moderator)  to me asking how she is doing and wanting to contribute to her counselling costs, so I have just sent an email to him again asking for him not to contact his daughter in any way, directly or indirectly, through his family. And giving him the times it is acceptable to contact me to ask about her.

I do not want him to be cut off from his daughter, but she cannot cope with him at this time. She is coming to terms with the realisation of what has happened in the past, how he behaved and how he has acted since he left.

Yet I feel guilty and sort of petty to be constantly repeating boundaries and for getting the police involved.

Am I do the right thing???

[Serenity]

I don’t know how old your daughter is, but whatever her age, the significant thing is that abusive people try to push, force, manipulate, and hurry and dictate to others.

They don’t allow people time, space; they don’t realise that others have a choice, that they have a life outside that relationship, etc.

My boys are (removed by moderator)  respectively. My ex has no concept of their preferences or needs. He lives in the sticks and expects the kids to be happy there, with no one around; he forces them to do whatever he likes; he is unaware of the stresses in their lives and- most of all- he is blind to the fact that it is his control, inflexibility, dictating and criticising that causes them most damage in the first place ( or maybe he does know…).

Your priority here is your daughter’s. feelings. Her needs. She is entitled to make a choice.

These abusers need to learn to stop cajoling and forcing. It’s all for their own ends, anyway.

Depending on her age, she may have the confidence and independence to speak up and tell SS what she wants. I think we need tote our kids that no one has the right to force them to do the things they don’t want to do, that they have a right to be listened to android out their own needs first. Your ex doesn’t have to agree with her decision, but she shouldn’t feel guilty- not should you. It’s hard, I know, for us people pleasers.

I don’t know the exact history of your relationship and so I can’t say about the need for involving the police- but mental and emotional distress is itself a big enough reason to set up boundaries and keep him away from your daughter.

It might help to look up the Women’s Bill
Of Rights, to remind yourself of you and your daughter’s rights. (Removed by moderator)

[Serenity]

I mean they have the right to be listened to and to put their own needs first

[Author]

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