Am i experiencing abuse? Advice please

[Shazza]

Hi,

Im new here and am feeling very confused. I’ve read through alot of posts and am hoping i might be able to get some advice.
It has recently been pointed out by a friend that my relationship is abusive. I am really struggling to accept that this might be the case so am hoping for your opinions.

My husband and I have been together for a very long time and have a child.
He is an alcoholic but is in denial about this. I have tried on numerous occasions to discuss this with him and to try and get him to get help. He seems unable to go without a drink though has in the past gone a couple of days to ‘prove’ that he doesnt have a problem.
Weve had some problems over the last few years, and this is where the possible abuse comes in.
He is a chronic liar. He lies about ridiculous things that dont even matter. I will tell him i know he is lying and he will continue to lie to my face and tries to make me feel guilty for doubting him.
He obviously lies about how much he has to drink sometimes. He will continue to tell me i am wrong even when the evidence is right in front of me. I often go into a conversation knowing the firm facts but come out thinking maybe despite the evidence of his lies i have made some kind of mistake? He can be very convincing. He will twist what i have said so that the conversation becomes something different entirely and i then seem to be defending myself for something he is accusing me of and the initial conversation about his lie is forgotten.
He took my prescription tablets after i had an operation and denied it. Despite the empty packet. Kept telling me he hadnt touched it, it must have been me (i hadnt touched them at all) i was wrong, asking me what’s wrong with me etc.

He doesnt seem to like me making plans with our child without him. If i plan a playdate with some mum friends he will ask if he is invited to. I then feel guilty when i say us mums were going to have a catch up, and he will sulk and not talk to me. I then feel like i have been terrible and feel really guilty.

I like to try and see friends for a catch up/walk and this is not too often. Over the last year he has been making comments that make me feel bad if i go out such as that him and my child will be unhappy whilst im off having fun. He will ask where i am going, who i am seeing, how long i will be, what time i will be home and will then ask what i talked about whilst out.

We both work full time but he does nothing to help around the house. I am expected to do it all and if i dont then it doesnt get done. This has caused many arguments. He seems to lack respect for me as will often come and make a mess just after i have cleaned somewhere. He will repeatedly ask in a goading way if im ok as if waiting for me to complain. If i do ever say anything he will often just laugh at me or roll his eyes. Or he will accuse me of being mean to him.

He loves our child but has no parenting skills. He is more than happy to do the fun stuff but refuses point blank to help with setting and keeping boundaries and routines. He wont ever put our child to bed and tells me this is because he cant get them to bed. This therefore falls on me everyday which i obviously do not mind doing at all for the sake of my child but would often like some time to myself. He will go downstairs and crack open a drink.

When he is drunk he can become very nasty to me at times so i stay out of his way and told him a while ago that i will remove myself to another room if hes drinking. This happens every night so i stay upstairs and now get accused of making him feel bad and unloved.

He does not give me any privacy. He will barge into the bathroom if i am washing, or into the bedroom when i am getting dressed and then claim that he didnt know and makes me feel guilty for wanting privacy. If i ask him to leave he tells me i am rude.

At night it is like he doesnt want me to sleep. He will often come into the bedroom, turn the lights on, wake me up to ask if im awake and then gets cross if i get annoyed at him for waking me up.

Im not allowed to criticise anything he does and if i do i am accused of being mean and horrible to him. I therefore mostly stay quiet now if something is wrong as i am just accused of making him feel bad.

He often acts like he cant do anything for himself, even down to bringing me a box to read how to cook something. He is an intelligent man but wants me to sort out everything for him. If im unwell i still have to do all child care and housework. He will roll his eyes and sigh alot if i dare ask him to do anything to help. If i point out that he doesnt help he will tell me that he does loads to help and i often then doubt myself despite knowing that i do it all, but he seems so convincing.

I now dread telling him i am going to meet a friend as i know he will make me feel guilty for going out. I dread telling him im having a playdate with our child as know that he will feel left out and will guilt trip me. Sometimes i have considered not seeing my friends just to avoid an atmosphere.

We dont have sex anymore. Over a year ago something happened. I had made it extremely clear that if we had sex it had to be with a condom. I wont go into details but he knew the physical and mental health reasons as to why this had to be the case. So we had sex after i had made that very clear. And he didnt put one on. And i stupidly didnt stop him and was devastated after. And i dont know why i didnt stop him and i know its my fault and i should have but i think i froze and i havent wanted him near me since.

He blames me for his insecurities as i am slimmer than him. He has said he wouldnt feel so bad about himself if i wasnt slimmer than him.

There are so many more things but i think i have waffled enough!

Does any of this sound abusive? Am i going mad? Do i need to just stop complaining?

[Lisa]

Hi Shazza,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support so I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be with others who understand about what you are going through in your relationship.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat
service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Shazza

Welcome to the forum x
He is gaslighting you (when he denies what you know is true) can make you feel crazy as it is so confusing, that is why he does this to you, he knows what he is doing. You are in an abusive relationship, the red flags are there, control, manipulating, holding you responsible for whatever he chooses, you are not responsible for how he feels. The alcohol is not responsible for his behaviour, the behaviours are in him! The Dominator by Pat Cravon is a really helpful book. Keep posting ❤❤

[Shazza]

Thank you Lisa and hereforhelp.
Gaslighting has been mentioned to me before. I find it so confusing and don’t seem to be able to trust my own mind anymore. I am constantly doubting myself and he makes me feel like i am thr bad guy and that he is the victim. He can say the cruelist things to me and then if i react he plays the victim and tells me im a horrible person.
He is often paranoid and has in the past snooped in my phone and has indirectly accused me of having an affair. Which i would never do.
He will question me about random things such as who has used a certain mug and will imply that i have had someone round.
He makes me feel uncomfortable like im walking on egg shells all the time. But he equally makes me feel like this is all my fault, it is so confusing!

I dont trust him at all, and am worried most of thr time about his reaction to things. He has hurt me more than once. It is so hard!

[Author]

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