Am I going crazy?!

[Trapped.]

So I’ve been with my partner (detail removed by moderator). I made a massive mistake during the first (detail removed by moderator) of our relationship, I had an emotional affair for (detail removed by moderator) which is really selfish of me and I’ve done nothing but make up for. But I’m starting to think I’m dealing with a n********t. Nothing is ever good enough. I’ve gotten all the proof about the affair just being emotional and not physical and he still manages to find fault.

There has been so much gaslighting and manipulation lately which I’m starting to open my eyes and see. It’s got physical before. I don’t know what to do.

Today, I had to go back to mine (which I haven’t been in a while as I had a minor sexual assault which is even (detail removed by moderator)). But our argument, same as others, just goes round in circles of him saying how I could of done something better or he brings up about the past. Even my past before him too and throws it back in my face. It’s been (detail removed by moderator) years and I don’t know when I’m going to stop being punished.

Our argument happened (detail removed by moderator), but usually these happen face to face. Thing is, he doesn’t know when to leave it, to which I start hitting myself. I need to get a release from the emotional pain in feeling through the argument and the guilt and everything else. Rather than leaving me alone, like I ask him too, he proceeds to threaten me with social services. He is always so cold about it and can never actually just stop. He says things like I should grow up and stop etc and it hurts so bad. Especially when I already feel bad emotionally.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t hit myself when I get overwhelmed with anything else. Please someone help. Advice would be much appreciated.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Trapped

What do you want? You can work out after how to get it, but for now, knowing what you know about him and that he’s not stopping, that he’s gaslighting and manipulating you, threatening you, whats your gut feeling about this and what he’s doing to you and the children?

Would he ‘let’ you leave when he’s like this? AS this might be a good intermediate step if you think its safe to do that (for you and the children).

Do keep posting out your frustrations and fears to us here and to others who you can rely on to understand, as you need support, and safe planning to deal with this.

warmest wisehs

ts

[Mime]

Your situation sounds like mine was – I used to hit myself too and he would say I was mad / out of control, but I felt I was pushed to a point that I couldn’t endure anymore.
I’m sorry your going through this – you deserve better- look after yourself xx

[nbumblebee]

I self harm too ive (detail removed by moderator) when hes been horrible. He makes me so mad I make me so mad I feel weak and stupid so I punish myself.
Trouble is the only person we are hurting and damaging is ourselves they dont care and sweetie Ive been doing this so long ive now got long lasting damage to myself please dont go the same route I have.
You need to reach out and get some help for the self harm talk to a professional even if you dont feel like you are ready to mention your reasons opening up and talking through your anger is really important. Yes its so scarey and actually i find it so embarressing but its the only way you can start to stop. It isnt easy nor is it fast but it will be worth it.
Now for the reason why you hit yourself sweetie deep down inside yourself you know his behaviour isnt right and you need to start to believe in yourself and trust yourself.
Im not sure I can help Im still here with mine battling too but I am always happy to listen if needed. There are aome amazing ladies on here that can help and guide you further have a read through some posts leaen as much as you can arm yourself the more you leaen the stronger you become. Keep talking and keep safe much love sweetie xxxx

[Trapped.]

We had a other argument. He called 999 and hung up. But the turned up. I told them I hit myself and tbat. Everhtbings so up in the air x*x

[nbumblebee]

What happened sweetie?
Are you safe?

[Trapped.]

I’m trjlng to get help but no one is listening to me because I’m not actually hurting myself I’m holding it together for the kids. X*x

[nbumblebee]

Well done for holding it together but there is help out there.
Womens aid samaritans and even the police if you feel your life or your childrens lives are at risk. You can also talk to your GP they can help sweetie, people will help you but you have got to ask. You dont have to cope alone.
Keep calm keep safe and reach out x

[Trapped.]

I’ve messaged you bumblebee.

I’ve tried my GP but no one listed to me. I told the police yesterday and hut myself on the head and they said they will try and get a referral.

Trapped. Xx

[Lisa]

Dear Trapped,

Thank you for posting. You are not going crazy, you are being subjected to sustained domestic abuse which is having a huge effect on your wellbeing, and understandably so. Hitting yourself is, as you explain, a reaction to his persisted attempts to get a reaction from you. It’s a coping mechanism. There is help out there, the Self Injury Support service would be really useful to talk to. However I think it’s important to remember that the root cause of the problem is him, not you. It’s important you access the support to help you to feel better but as long as he is with you, the problem is still there.

You can also chat to Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

When you’re able to please let us know if you’ve been referred for some support from a domestic abuse service.

You’ve taken some big steps posting on here and speaking to the police, you and your children deserve to live in safety and peace. Keep going one day at a time, trust your instinct and be kind to yourself.

Lisa

[Author]

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