Am I going mad?

[Anonymous]

Hi ladies, please advise 🙏

I recently left a domestic abuse situation, and I’m feeling so guilty about leaving my partner. I don’t really feel I had any other choice for myself, but I’m feeling bad about what it has done to him..

My family think I’m mad and ask me why I would feel bad for somebody who has been so awful to me – and I don’t know how to answer.

All I know is that for our entire relationship I have been moulded a certain way – to behave a certain way, and it’s hard to break the habit.

The guilt complex part of me is suffering hugely. He somehow turned me into a person who apologises for HIS bad behaviour, And his bad behaviour resulted in me doing something normal, like people should be allowed to do, like texting family – and I truly don’t know how I allowed that to happen. 😢😢

My heart just hurts – my world is totally upside down, and everything feels terrifying. 😣

For someone whose every single day has been mapped out for them, facing a day, a week or months of unknowns feels almost impossible, but I just have to keep hoping that it will get better.

And of course Christmas doesn’t help. It’s just the worst possible time of year for this to happen

It’s really weird though, and it’s doing my head in😢 all of my instincts are screaming out to apologise to him for what I’ve done, and I can’t because I just can’t talk to him as he will try to convince me to go back, but again that’s just how he’s made me over the years. I am now an automatic apologiser, with zero self-esteem or confidence

The trauma bond element of the situation is very hard to break. Why does Familiarity feel safe even though you’re dreadfully unhappy, and why does freedom feel so terrifying when you are used to being controlled, and told what to do.

I’m sorry that this is a bit rambling, but as you can probably tell I’m feeling lost and lonely and wonder if I’m going very slightly mad.

I don’t want to worry about him or feel guilty about him. I want to hate him, put my brain is programmed to put him first.

I’m not convinced he feels bad about anything he’s done to me though. It’s really weird, and it’s doing my head in😢 But I guess my compassionate side was one of the reasons he chose me. The emotional blackmail works on me.

I know this might seem like a strange thing to say, but I literally feel kind of institutionalised.

Although any love for him I had went many years ago, I still get the urge to talk to him – and to say sorry for hurting him, but I can’t because he’d have a hold over me again.

I kind of understand what the trauma bond and coercion has done to me over the years, but I don’t know how to defeat the habit of that lifestyle now that I’m out, so anything you can tell me would be so very much appreciated. 🙏
Thank you 💗

[Babs]

Pink jackets, firstly well done for leaving. That shows great strength. I understand that feeling of wanting to contact him. I really missed that contact with my husband after he left me. I was so used to chatting all day every day to him and it was so hard. I missed him so much. But as the weeks passed that desire lessened.

Then my eyes were opened to the fact I had been in an abusive relationship and everything started to make more sense. I also realised my health was better now his toxic behaviour was no longer dictating how I felt.

It takes time but you will get there. Understanding how their mind works also helps in your processing of what has happened to you. Nothing you did would ever have been good enough. You could not have changed the outcome.

Keep strong, keep smiling. It really does get better.

[Fay of the North]

You’re not going mad, it’s normal for people going through this type of thing to feel a lot of different conflicting things at once. When love is mixed with abuse what else can you feel?

But you have made this choice for you. Sounds like he’s had his chances if he pushed you to such lengths. Now this is the chance for you so hold your ground and stay strong.

I know Christmas can be a difficult and confusing time for many of us for this forum. I don’t really know how to feel at this time of year and kind of wish I didn’t have to celebrate Christmas I don’t want it to cloud my judgment. Coworkers and stuff are asking me how I’m spending it and things are not good, but since it’s Christmas he’s on his best behaviour and I don’t want to let it make me forget and push aside my experiences of him.

Be kind to yourself you are most definitely not going mad.

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi Pink jackets,

I’m so glad you made it out. It’s not easy, so be kind to yourself. You’ve done so well getting to this point. You’re definitely not alone in thinking you’ve gone mad (you haven’t) The gaslighting in particular made me really question my sanity. Sadly all of what you’ve said sounds familiar.

I am out now, but it took several attempts as I missed him so much. I felt like my world was being torn apart (as you said that’s the trauma bond). When things were good we talked a lot, he was charming and funny. I missed the ‘good side’ of him so much.

Every time I went back though, after a few weeks things got worse, I was being punished for trying to leave. His behaviour increased in severity every time. I went from being on a pedestal at the start of the relationship to less than dirt to him at the end.

Some lovely ladies on here suggested ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft and ‘The Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Both are available to read for free online and helped open my eyes to actually how manipulative and deliberate his behaviour was. I no longer miss his ‘good side’ as I now realise it was all lies.

Have you got any counselling/some sort of therapy lined up? Try to focus on getting the real you back, figure out what you want without him. That’s what I’m trying to do at the moment, focusing on myself. It feels really selfish at first, but I think you need to in order to move forward.

Much love to you 💗 xxxx

[MeStartingOver]

You’re absolutely not going mad, this is completely normal as we’ve been brainwashed (for want of a better phrase). No contact is so very difficult but absolutely the only way to be able to move forward. Please stay strong, Christmas will be over soon and support networks more available. Remember that the refuge phone line is available 24/7 if you need them. Most of all look after you, and please try not to feel guilty. If he’d treated you well you’d not have left.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much ladies💖 I’m so grateful for your replies, and I can’t tell you how much they have helped me💞 because of you taking the time experiences and replies. I do you know feel more positive.

It hasn’t helped that I’ve been receiving messages from some of his friends, which have also added an extra layer of guilt, but I know that you are all right, and I’m definitely going to look up those books.

thank you again from the bottom of my heart 💗💖

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