Am i going mad?

[meandmye]

Hi all,
This is a long story but i will try to make the key points.
In a relationship (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago, he was mentally and verbally abusive, i left him. Im now back with him, he charmed me, we had a perfect year!
But this last year has been awful

Im recovering from (detail removed by Moderator) cancer, i had it removed on (date removed by Moderator). Before i got my operation fate he called the hospital demanding an appointment (detail removed by Moderator)).  When i came out of hospital i went to my mums for recover, he and my (person removed by Moderator) dont get along and i didnt allow him to visit me every day, nor did i need him visiting me late every night. He also called me every night, which is fine, but he sounded depressed saying he cant cope without me at home, he cant do his washing or cleaning or infact anything at all, sounding really sad and depressed making me feel guilty.

im home now. he is still throwing at me that he wasnt allowed to visit me in recovery. i cant accept that he went above my head speaking to the hospital etc and he wont discuss it he just shuts me down.

i have anxiety issues, my anxiety is extreme at the moment, i have a gasping thing going on (like the start of a panic attack – of which i had one last week) and its worse when hes home. (timeframe removed by Moderator) i thought it would help for us to discuss my mental health, but he flipped it and started talking once again about not being allowed to visit me in my recovery. that was totally irrelevant to the conversation. Then he sits next to me, cuddles up to me and says (line of communication removed by Moderator)!!

He has also contacted my gp as he has his number through (detail removed by Moderator)!

Previous to my cancer diagnosis there were red flags….

Shouting because he couldnt find his painkillers, shouting at his daughter (his excuse was she was shouting at him). shes (age removed by Moderator) and it was only an issue with her phone, he scared her, she told him to get away from her, i stepped in and told him to leave her alone, he still will not accept he did wrong.

I moved here and studied for (timeframe removed by Moderator), i then went on to work for (occupation removed by Moderator) but stepped down to get through my cancer. He keeps going on at me about returning to work – im not ready yet.

But i have to remember what he does for me. He works hard, he works (number removed by Moderator) days a week. I get that, i appreciate that but should i be made to feel bad? He would do that with or without me.

i have a daughter who comes on (timeframe removed by Moderator), he smothers her, she has autism and doesnt like smothering, if he asks her for a hug and she says no he puts his pet lip out, not in a playful way but in a self pitying way, if he tells her he loves her and she doesnt respond he does the same.

(timeframe removed by Moderator) he wanted to go out after work to do some work for himself, i didnt want him to, i said (line of communication removed by Moderator)‘ – he went anyway! he does what he wants when he wants.

he owns the house , he owns the car, he knows i have nothing.

i feel like cinderella keeping his house clean while he works. he sleeps or plays on his phone while i do his tea.

Every time i try to talk about my issues or an issue i have with him, the whole conversation flips to something totally different that he has a problem with about me. He has no empathy or feeling for anyone else, then he sits there and says hes worried about losing me. If he was worried surely he would listen to my concerns?
I feel like im losing my mind, going mad, that its all my fault.

[Lisa]

Hi meandmye,

Leaving is hard, it often takes more than one try to leave for good and is very common for women to return. Abusers can be charming and will say whatever they think they need to get their control back.

Whatever he does for you (which, as you rightly say, are just things he’d have to do anyway), it doesn’t excuse abuse. Abusers won’t take true responsibility for their behaviour, the blame will always be put elsewhere, usually on their partners. This is not your fault. I can see in his comments about not being able to do his washing or cleaning while you were recovering from an operation, that he has the misogynistic beliefs about the role of women that so often underpin abusive behaviours. Abuse is about power and control and he is choosing to treat you in this way, knowing the impact it has.

I’m glad that you’ve found this space to talk about what’s happening and get support. You might also find it helpful to reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing specialist support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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