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Hi
I am reaching out because I have no one to talk to.
My partner, whom I own a house with is horrible, not violent but he picks on me constantly, will ignore me, its little things and I feel silly writing it but it’s not right. I have tried talking to him numerous times and things do get better for a few weeks then go back. I have come to the conclusion it’s naturally the way he is and therefore he won’t change. This makes me so sad because when he’s nice he’s lovely but I need to do something as its really effecting me, I’m down, got no friends due to spending all my time with him (he hasn’t either, says he doesn’t need them). I also have 2 children (not his) who although aren’t directly affected as he’s fine with them are affected by the atmosphere in the house.I don’t know what to do? Can I get him out the house? I can afford to live here alone. Or is it better to sell it if he agrees? I can’t go on like this for much longer and I need to be strong and stop this cycle.
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Hi coffeelover
Welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of support here.
OK, first off, don’t ever think your problems are silly. To refer to them as such is to minimise the affect they are having on your life. Everyone on this forum starts off apologising for ‘not being abused enough.’ Your problems are real.
Because yes, what you talk about is a form of abuse. I expect you could tell us other things he does that you’ve come to normalise. You are not going mad, though no doubt your partner’s behaviour will make you feel as though you are.
It’s very likely that your isolation has been created by your partner. Those who are abused generally find it easier to keep the peace by cutting friends from their lives. Are you able to reestablish contact with the friends and family you have been isolated from? That could be a good place to start. You don’t have to give them the ins and outs of everything if you don’t want to.
As the children are not his I think your way forward will be easier (though not necessarily easy) as once you have separated your finances there will be no reason to maintain contact. I don’t think you can make your partner leave. And you shouldn’t leave until a legal process is in place. I wouldn’t want to give bad advice so seek out urgent legal advice regarding shared assets.
You sound pretty determined that you’re ready to move on. I would just say that as you move towards this you will likely see his behaviour change. He will promise to change/get counselling/hurt himself/mine diamonds on mars. Don’t beat yourself up if you give him yet another second chance. But keep it in mind that if he was really bothered about your happiness he wouldn’t wait until your bags were packed.
Wishing you luck. Keep posting.
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Hi Camel
Thank you for your reply. I actually wrote a list of the things he does earlier using headings from another message thread, it ended up being quite long.He came back and I tried to talk to him but he just blames everything on me, I honestly start to believe him. I asked him about counselling and he refused. I snapped in the end and said if he’s not prepared to change we’ll sell the house then he backtracked and started being nice, said he’d go to the GP as he thinks he’s depressed (he’s said this before) and we’ll make more effort with each other.
I didn’t agree to anything, he’s said all this before. I feel so tired and worn down it’s easier to stay, however I need to do this, I just need to stay strong somehow.
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I texted 2 old friends yesterday, not saying anything detailed, just a ‘hi how are you?’ They’ve both read it but not replied. I haven’t seen either for a long time and 1 hates him so I think I’ve burned those bridges. I have another friend I could talk to but she’s quite a new friend and got quite heavy family stuff going on at the moment. My brother lives around the corner but really likes him, he doesn’t see the other side and when we had troubles before and I told him, he said ‘that’s just marriage isn’t it?’ although he’d never treat his wife like that.
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Nothing going forward will be easy. But neither is staying put.
OK, so you’ve already put the feelers out to friends – that’s really positive. It might not work out with them so try other avenues. Maybe other parents at the school gate. Or at your exercise class. (I just read that back and realised I was pre-covid! But there will be online groups aplenty right now.)
Your partner has already used the well-worn tactics I mentioned in my post. So, he’s depressed is he? Said ‘he’d go’ to see his GP (but probably hasn’t yet). There is no link between being depressed and being an abuser. Simple as. Neither should you feel obligated to hang around for however long it could take to get himself fixed.
In my opinion you’re very lucky that he’s refused counselling. Many of us on this forum feel strongly that couples counselling will make things worse for the abused party. It assumes that the relationship can be fixed by both parties ‘working together’. That both parties share responsibility for abuse. I could list a heap of issues with couples counselling but maybe this isn’t the time.
Upshot is it sounds like you’re past caring anyway. Too little, too late. And who can blame you? You’re not obliged to accept any bargain he tries to make.
Many women on this forum talk about not being believed. Everyone sees such a great guy! What your brother said to you was unhelpful and untrue. Yet we can’t blame people for believing what they do. We have to move forwards in spite of it. If you have no immediate support then contact WA to help you plan your first steps. And there are many women who will offer you support here too.
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That’s an interesting thought about counselling, do you not think abusers can change then? He had 1 serious relationship before me and I know they led very separate lives so I’m guessing there’s a pattern but I don’t know.
I know I don’t want this situation any more but I’m also scared of the unknown I guess. I have been in my own before so it’s not that, I think I just feel like I’ve failed but then I suppose everyone feels like that when relationships end and it gets easier.
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