Am I going mad?

[Confused2022]

I’ve not felt quite this lost, confused and scared, I don’t think ever in my life.

I’ve been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator) and we’ve had our rocky moments, but for the last few months just like I’ve suddenly become aware that his behaviour is unacceptable.

When we argue he shuts me down, everything I say is just (detail removed by moderator). Everytime that I say I don’t want sex, he threatens to sleep with someone else, if I pull him up on any of his behaviour I get (detail removed by moderator), more recently he has also used(detail removed by moderator). He threatens to divorce me and gets super angry at the drop of the hat, I should also say he has moments of incredible kindness. He did have a very difficult relationship with his dad, I’m just not sure that excuses how he treats me.

We have a (detail removed by moderator) daughter together, I’m the one that works and pays for(detail removed by moderator) of things. I went back to work(detail removed by moderator) after giving birth as he simply said he wouldn’t/couldn’t pay for everything (detail removed by moderator), even though he has plenty of savings. I had an incredibly difficult birth (detail removed by moderator) and our daughter was very poorly for the first few months. He does help me take care of her, but I’m the one who gets up in the night and I do around (detail removed by moderator) of the care, he won’t have her in her own for more than (detail removed by moderator), so she goes everywhere with me, which I love, but having ti take her to the dentist with me is a bit of a task. I should also stress, he does love our daughter but I fear if she sees him treating me this way.

I get incredibly anxious when he is in one of his ‘moods’ and I don’t know if I’m just making a huge deal out of things.

There is so, so much more but I just don’t know how to articulate everything at the moment as we had a very difficult evening. I’d just got our daughter to sleep and we were ha jng a disagreement, he was raising his voice, I calm asked him to (detail removed by moderator) , I then said it in a stronger tone, his response was to slam the door so hard it woke her up, he then went in to pick her up, I went to check everything was OK as I didn’t know he went in and he proceeded to scream at me while holding her, (detail removed by moderator). I could hear him telling her that  (detail removed by moderator) we haven’t spoken all night and I’m currently typing this in bed while he is (detail removed by moderator) asleep.

He has never laid a hand on me, but when he gets angry it is incredibly frightening and I have no idea what to do.

Thank you so much for giving me a space to let some of this out x

[searchingforhope]

Hi Confused2022

You are not going mad, absolutely not. None of that is acceptable. I hope your morning has been ok after last night being so horrible.
He sounds very much like my husband. When you try and ask something reasonable like keeping voice down, he reacts like a child having a tantrum. I think its that they can’t bear us standing up for ourselves. I know I haven’t stood up for myself or asserted myself for way too long. My husband definitely doesn’t like this change in me. I can never do enough. Despite a similar workload to you, but I don’t support him enough or the way he wants to be supported.

His anger is quite scary for sure and don’t hesitate to get your daughter and go when you feel unsafe. Start to think about a safety plan. WA will help with that.
I would really recommend speaking to someone in WA to listen and advise you.

You deserve so so much better than that.

Sending you and your little one strength and love. Take care.

x*x

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely that was exactly my life when I joined this forum, has he got worse since the baby? I think the baby gave mine another tool to use as well as triggering his own deep concerns. You’re not mad, none of the above is acceptable and it’s totally natural to feel confused/scared and crave the good version. I started by reading Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ and boy was it an eye opener. You can find free pdf’s online or buy it. Keep reading posts, writing posts and stay safe. Hopefully he never gets physical but he doesn’t need to for it to be unacceptable and a awful place for you to live. x

[Confused2022]

Thank you both so much for your replies, I can’t tell you how nervous I was posting last night, I nearly deleted my post several times.

I looked into a safety plan last night and I’m going to start carefully taking the steps to put things in place for me and my daughter.

I’ve been the same, I try to assert myself and that normally causes him to get his back up so I don’t tend to bother now.

It did get worse as soon as I found out I was pregnant, there were several times during my pregnancy where he advised me that if certain situations didn’t change he would take my daughter away from me.

This morning is exactly as it is after every episode, he offers to make me a tea, dotes on our daughter and gradually starts talking to me throughout the day, then I feel like I’m mad for getting so upset, half the time I genuinely feel like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but I’m starting to think this is just the routine he does to keep me here.

I can’t thank you both enough again, it means so very much to know that I have a safe space to ralk about these things x*x

[searchingforhope]

That does sound like you say doing what he needs to to keep you there.

Think of you and your daughter and life you both deserve.
If your daughter came to you telling you this was happening to her what would you say.
Talk to a professional too. Its a huge help.

Take care and much love x

[Watersprite]

Hey you are not going mad. This is abuse and you are afraid. Disagreements are one thing but to be afraid as you are shows this is abuse with periods of lovely which they do to keep you hooked and confused – gaslighting behaviour. Unfortunately my experience was the abuse really escalated and I so so wish I had left when my children were young but I didn’t know. Gather support around you and reach out for professional al advice and please don’t tell him. Keep posting if it helps – you are not alone x

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