Am I going over -the- top to protect myself?

[Lilycat]

Hi everyone,

I am wondering whether I am going OTT to protect myself.

I have been no contact with one of my abusers for a few years, but recently they asked a family member to beg my forgiveness for their behaviour. My faith encourages forgiveness, so I wrote back to this family member to say I have forgiven them. Soon after doing this the family member said they’d pass on the message. All well and good, but within a few weeks the abuser has made a move which could see them having access to my everyday environment and that includes passing security barriers. I have told a figure in authority to ask for some safeguarding measures to be put in place, i.e. limited access to a few areas that the abuser shouldn`t need to go to as they would have no business there. They said that as the abuser would also be part of the wider organisation they would have to be informed that I have an issue and so the organisation would need to get their side of the story, too. The abuser is a pathological liar, so I am dreading what they’ll come out with.

Given that they have a history of obsession and harm with and towards, me have I made a mistake? I am terrified that they will club together with my other abuser and make my life hell, again. My figure in authority is sympathetic and says they believe everything I say, as they have seen me ill from all of this, but that the organisation has to follow protocol.

Have I set the snowball from hell rolling down the hill?

What are your views?

Thanks

Lilycat x

[Jennaflorrie]

You sound forgiving …..like me. Yes, I too have forgiven. But we have to be careful and protect ourselves.

You have a faith. I have one too.

Keep your distance from him. Keep your distance from all his family and friends. If you have to speak to them, be polite. If they come to the same places as you….think about going elsewhere. why hasn’t he moved on?

[Lilycat]

Hi Jennaflorie,

The person is not my ex-husband but a relation who abused me with my ex. This relation wanted to destroy my life, isolate me from my friends and generally send me insane via serious gaslighting and other psychological abuse.

They are edging nearer, with running text commentaries from my ex.

I think both want to see me destroyed because I said ‘no’ to further abuse and walked out on them, which- with them being (self-appointed) pillars of the community- would have been humiliating.

Despite severe trauma,I have ‘come through’ enough to land myself a high-level position at a relatively young age. This was no easy catch and took a great deal of hard work and focus. I didn’t do this for vanity or ambition, rather knew I had to push myself because I have no family in the UK to support me and I have to look after myself financially. But, the abuser I am talking about will detest this fact. They hated me for succeeding at much smaller activities. They have also never been able to stick to any job or long-term commitment, so my overcoming their efforts to throw me off-course and control me will grate. And that is why I am terrified. They are a psychopath but they act like butter wouldn’t melt, and they appear delicate and vulnerable.

L x

[Ayanna]

I think you did right. Stand your ground in this.
You know what you have been through.
Let them ask the perpetrator. Whatever they say, do not worry. Stick to your story and insist on your concerns. Can you get support from the security manager?

[Lilycat]

Hi Ayanna,

I can get support from our Head of Security, but I will need to do this through my line manager, which shouldn’t be a problem.

*However*, the big problem that I face is potentially significant repercussions. My ex-stepchild, who is the key person here, and ex-husband egg each other on. I got told off by my husband when I asked for my possessions to be locked up, because my stepchild was damaging them. My husband told me that I should not be so silly because it would make my stepchild feel that they weren’t being trusted (well obviously I didn’t trust them!). When I left home because the abuse was becoming too bad, my husband accused me of playing games and messing with my stepchild’s head, because apparently they felt that I was their ‘good friend’ and couldn’t understand why I suddenly wasn’t coming home anymore. If I tell an outside authority about the abuse and my stepchild is interviewed about this, both they and their father will hit the roof. I will hear nothing for days or maybe weeks and then they’ll exact their revenge at a time of their choosing.

In reality, I will either have to live in fear that they might harm me, or live with the assurance that if I take this forward they will definitely harm me.

Lilycat x

[Ayanna]

I can see this problem from an outsider’s perspective.
I too had the security manager involved at work when I went through my worst time. He was extremely supportive, the only person who actually supported me there. I can only recommend to approach them. They are usually very well trained.

I wonder why they should be able to harm you. There are people who will believe you and not them. It must appear strange to some anyway that this child wants to work where you are and not somewhere else.

Did you speak to Women’s Aid, Rights of Women, Women and Girl’s Network?

It seems they are the types of abusers whom you have to approach fearlessly and fiercely.
It helps spreading your story and telling around that this child stalks you and now even works where you are.
You need to find a way to make the situation for her unbearable there.

[Serenity]

Hi Lilycat,

I have a faith too, but try to remember lately that we are told to love others as we love ourselves! It’s so easy to sacrifice ourselves for what we see as the good. I did. But I don’t think it should be like that. We need to look after ourselves, or we can be destroyed. Then we are no good to ourselves or anyone else.

My ex was definitely jealous ( I see now) that I rose through the ranks quite quickly. For years, he managed to get me to be a housewife and mum and have a mental job, but when I landed a good job half way through my uni course ( I ended up juggling both), he did his best to sabotage it. My past two jobs have crossed counties. Looking at it, they are important posts, though I didn’t do it for the kudos- in fact, I hate public attention.

I only realised that my job was an issue for him was a comment he made when he left. I never imagined it would be an issue. I was too naive to realise his moods had been attempts to sabotage my job. But look it up and it’s there- professional jealousy in relationships.

I think you need to be very careful. Abusers – even if they accuse you of being horrible- know that you are a good person. They want to get close enough to slap you again. Remember, these people are twisted. If they are psychopaths, they only feel power through bringing people to their knees, by effecting destruction.

One characteristic of a psychopath is to fail to hold down permanent work.

It is hard for you to believe this, because you aren’t like this.

We can pray for our abusers from a distance and hope that they realise the error of their ways. We don’t need them in our vicinity. It’s too tempting for them- they will abuse again.

Do all you can to protect yourself and keep a distance.

[Serenity]

I mean a menial job

[Lilycat]

Hi Ayanna and Serenity,

Your perceptions and experiences are helping me to accept the fact that this is all very real. Thank you.

These individuals are two peas in a pod and their hovering, or, should I say, ‘hoovering’ around me is really exhausting. My boss calls such people ‘mood hoovers’ because they can suck all the positivity out of a room.

At this point in time I just want to give up and move out of town. There comes a point when it’s not actually worth sticking up for what is right and what I am entitled to, i.e. living in peace in my own city. These people draw their energy fromand get kicks out of intimidating me. They have a mentality not shared by normal people, so there is no moral reasoning in which to frame their thinking.

Lilycat x

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