Am I horrible or is it to get inside my head 😭

[Thinkingitsme]

When you constantly being told that I am a nasty horrible person you kind of start believing it…. I am sick to death of being called names, being put down and letting it get to me and just letting them get away with it but w*f am i supposed to do i sit here after my child goes to sleep an cry because i dont want her to see me like that. I think I am kind an caring person but I maybe wrong I may well as be this horrible person. I don’t even say if I have a problem with someone I just carry on being myself an be civil an put MY feellings to the side.. But it gets to you sometimes maybe I should start living up to the names I am being called. I am so fed up of constantly trying to please everyone. Literally so exhausted I don’t know how much I can carry on doing it anymore the only person that’s keeping me going is my little girl. Why in the world can’t people just be kind and nice. I try to hide my depression behind my smile but I can’t keep doing it all the time. Been on the waiting list with mental health team for months they don’t want to know I’ve already had sessions but you only get a handful. I’m thinking of going private therapist but I just haven’t got the money.
He keeps saying that my little girl has so much fun with him (detail removed by moderator) which is wrong I try my hardest every day to be the best mum to her I try my best n do right by her but how can I keep going when he’s in contact morning noon and night and also throughout the afternoon. After another lot of abusive texts (detail removed by moderator) i have told him that he can only contact (detail removed by moderator). But of course i am the one thats horrible and selfish. I wake up so early just get my head around the school run because that’s difficult tooo as noone talks to each other. It would be so nice to have a mum friend. And have someone just to speak to.
Over and over again I have to prove things we not even together or anything yet I still have to explain everything all the time. Even when she’s with him (detail removed by moderator) he’s constantly phoning me. Calls at (detail removed by moderator) just to have a go at me about nothing… if I don’t answer than its like oh nice to see your at hand when I phone. An if I am over family or friends house and I miss the call he goes on to say (detail removed by moderator) making out that I don’t care about her. Please tell me if she’s with him he doesn’t need to contact unless there’s an emergency. When she does call I make sure I am happy for all the things she’s doing with him but it breaks my heart when he’s says nasty things (detail removed by moderator). I literally do nothing but sit in my house or my parents house (detail removed by moderator) I’m so lonely and I just dont know what to do anymore. I keep a dairy but it doesn’t help writing it down sometimes I just want to scream out and let people know what’s really going on.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

I can tell by the fact that you are even concerned about being a nasty person, that you are not a nasty person. Mean people usually don’t care about what others think about them.
I’m really glad you posted here because sometimes you really do need to scream it out and just let the world know that something horrible is happening to you.

I strongly believe that he is doing all he can to continue to control you. Children don’t understand the world yet, they only see stressed mommy and fun daddy. But you should hold it in your heart that when she gets older she will always remember who raised her, who was there for her before and after school, who helped with homework, who gave the goodnight kisses and cuddles after nightmares. She may be attracted to the fun weekends now but I can guarantee in her little heart that she appreciates everything you do for her.

I can’t offer any legal advice but maybe you can talk to citizens advice or an affordable lawyer about setting up properly scheduled visitation, so then you have it in writing that there is no reason for him to harrass you on weekends if he is presenting himself as a responsible and capable parent.

[gettingtired]

I’m sorry to read you’re having such a hard time lovely. You’re not a horrible person at all. I think you know deep down that he is the problem here, not you. It sounds like you’re people pleasing (when you said you put your feelings to the side and be civil to keep everyone else happy). It’s only since I started therapy that I have discovered I’ve been people pleasing my whole life. With regards to therapy, I would still look into it as there are therapists out there who will accept reduced fees for those on a lower income etc. Definitely don’t rule it out. I don’t know what help you’ve been offered on the NHS but for me it was just CBT that was available and when I had my referral they actually said they didn’t think it was appropriate for me and suggested I contact domestic abuse services. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be right for you but I’d definitely look into private therapy still. You could even just have a therapy session every fortnight as opposed to weekly to cut costs too. For me (and even though I haven’t left yet), therapy has been the best investment I’ve probably ever made.
As for him contacting you, I’d wait for other ladies who know more about this (I don’t have children so am not clued up on how the system works) but I would say it is unacceptable for you to have to endure bombardments of abuse still from him. Do you have any support from your local women’s aid? That might be a good place to start.
Take care and remember you’re not alone, we are all here for one another on the forum 💖 xx

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