Am I in denial?

[Apricot]

I’m still struggling to accept that I was in an abusive relationship. I read a lot about domestic abuse. Somethings fit that pattern. Other things don’t. I wanted to put the bad things here, to try and look at them objectively.

There was violence, the last time was a few months before I left. Before that I remember a big incident every few months. There were small acts of violence – a slap or pinch most days – but he laughed it off when I asked him to stop. He acted as though I was being childish.

The name calling was constant but he laughed it off. It was a joke – I was being too sensitive. He said it was a special thing about our relationship that he could call me those things. He’d make fun of me in front of other people – about my appearance most often. In the early days I got angry and upset. Later I tried my best to let it go, believing it was my problem. He said I shouldn’t care what other people thought.

I think there was gaslighting. After big incidents, he said he hurt me because I was a danger to myself. If he restrained me or stopped me leaving. He would call me crazy, unstable, that I couldn’t be trusted. I did self harm but had stopped some years ago. He told other people that they didn’t know what I was really like that they couldn’t see it. That I was manipulative. He’d tell people I was violent to him – but that was usually when I was trying to get away from him. And he’d never tell them the things he did, he’d try and twist things, joke about them. Minimise them. I felt like I was going crazy.

He has broken doors, broken my possessions, kicking them to pieces.

I am in debt because of him, money he promised to pay back. To me and other family. He never did.

He wanted me to choose him over my family. He made threats against them.

There was emotional manipulation.
I felt responsible for him. I couldn’t say no to him. He said without me he had nothing- he’d kill himself if I left. I was the only one who got him. I was his best friend. I was everything. What we had felt special.

I accepted all his behaviour and loved him for everything that he was. I wanted to save him. To give him the love he’d never had – but it was never enough. Nothing I gave him was ever enough.

I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for leaving. I was breaking. I didn’t even say goodbye. I ran. And it wasn’t those things above that made me leave. Not really. I lost someone – the most important person in my life. And I was suddenly alone with him. And he was in trouble. Big trouble. And I couldn’t see any way out. I wanted to love and support him but I couldn’t do it any more. I couldn’t carry him anymore. So I ran – like a coward.

I have lost everything. Home. Family. Him. Even my pets. I feel so alone. So completely lost and afraid. I’m trying to rebuild but life keeps knocking me down again. And this guilt won’t stop. Worrying about him won’t stop. Loving him won’t stop. And it all hurts so much. Why can’t I just accept it was abusive?

I’ve blocked him and changed my number but things still get through to me. He’s living rough, has no money, he’s cold, scared, lonely, hungry, afraid, he threatens to kill himself, he wants to talk to me. He loves me. He hates me. I’ve betrayed him.

I have been excusing and trying to rationalise his behaviour for so long. I’ve split him into two people in my head and I can’t put them together. I miss my sweet, loving husband. The one I lay with in the sun, playing with our little cat. The one I laughed with and cried with. The places we went, the jokes we shared. How can that be the same man that did such awful things? Why did he destroy the life we built together? Why did he hurt me?

The police are involved and I can’t talk to him. I can’t.

I don’t feel I deserve to be happy. I think if he’s suffering – that I should be too. I was having counselling but my counsellor is off sick. I’m struggling so much today.

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. I’m sorry you’re feeling low today this journey is an emotional rollercoaster. If you read your post back, which parts AREN’T abuse? You have suffered abuse but it’s very common for us to struggle with that word. Especially because there was a nice side, our instincts tell us that’s the real him but lovely, it’s not that’s the fake facade which hooked you in. The cuddling to watch tv, play with the cats – he knew what made you happy and applied it. We’ve all stayed longer than we should hoping to get that person back. I’ve massively struggled with accepting this is the real him, his parents have a lot to answer for, I was a safe place, but all that aside he chose to do these things to you – don’t forget that.

The guilt trips he’s sending you on now are continuing the abuse. He’s an adult, if his relationship has broken down by his choice or not, as an adult he has the ability to care for himself – and if he can’t then to seek the right support. You are not here to parent him or to blame for his lifestyle. He’s damaged yours enough – does he care? Sadly not and that’s the bit our brains struggle with. We try to rationalise them and our experiences with the ‘norm’ but you’ll just drive yourself insane.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book, why does he do that? I found it such a help. The more you read and post on here the more you’ll recognise as being similar, and the more you’ll accept you’re not alone and you’re not at fault. It went against every grain of my being to let go of my ex and what should’ve been, I’m only a few months out and on this ride of highs and lows, but I recognise now he’ll never change and more importantly I can’t fix him, or sacrifice myself to help him.

Once you stop trying to rationalise and justify things, it will help. Learn and keep learning about abuse, even if that word seems too strong at times, you’ve suffered ‘abusive type behaviour’ and learning about it helps process it. I also found the narcabusecoach on Instagram helpful as well as Dr Ramani on YouTube. You’ve been strong enough to survive in abuse, you’re strong enough to thrive after it. We got you xx

[Apricot]

Hello Bananaboat,

Thank you for replying. I did read Lundy Bancroft’s book very shortly after leaving. There were things in there that definitely rang true and it did help me to stop looking for answers in myself and to start looking at his behaviour objectively. But there were a lot of things that didn’t seem like him and they left me with doubts. I knew when I met him that he had problems, that he was troubled. I thought love and compassion would be enough, that he just needed a chance. I could see good in him.

What I’m trying to say is I’m struggling to accept that he is abusive. I see him as broken and needing to be saved and I wanted to save him. I wanted to love him better. And I’m still trying to make excuses for his behaviour. And I still love him and it all hurts so much.

I think maybe I should read the book again.

My mum died recently. I feel completely lost without her. I miss being loved by someone, mattering to someone. I’m just a burden now, however hard I try to pick myself up I just fall back down. I want to go back to him because everything is so scary right now. It’s hard staying away.

[Bananaboat]

I’m so sorry for your loss, what an awful time you’ve had recently. There is definitely an element of wanting company and it’s easier to go to somewhere we know but you left for a reason and his texts show he’s not changed. It’s ok to acknowledge you feel lonely and wish you had someone to give you a big hug right now – who wouldn’t after all this!! But his would come with conditions. Would he really be there for you right now or would he make the loss of your mother about him somehow, call you nasty names for being upset, expect you to cook/clean when you just want to cry?

Our bodies get addicted to the highs and lows of abuse, I wonder if your body is craving that high right now. It also takes a lot to break the cognitive dissonance and conditioning that we’ve received, you got a lot of muscle memory to break.

I totally get the part about wanting to save him. But that’s also partly why they choose us. We see through the bad, put up with more than most as we’re empathetic, caring individuals who believe love and safety can help people. I was exactly the same, ex was treated awfully by his parents, had health issues, addictions and used to say I was the calm in his crazy world, but reality is he used that calm to take take take and left me in debt, with anxiety and stole my self esteem with insults. You can’t save someone who doesn’t see any issue with themselves, save yourself. xx

[Apricot]

I’m doing much better than I was. When I first left I was like a zombie. All I could do was shake and cry. My body was rigid all the time and I ached all over. I could barely put a sentence together. I was afraid to go outside. To move even.

Now I can drive again and go out to places on my own. I can make phone calls. I’ve been out walking quite a lot. I’m trying to find me again. But I feel very lonely. And I don’t feel I deserve to be happy, I’m trying to change that but it’s hard.

I feel a bit better at the times when I start to accept it was an abusive situation. The guilt eases a little. I can start to make sense of it all without blaming just myself and feeling that I have done something unforgivable in leaving him.

It’s odd that you should say he would try to make losing mum about him. He complained that no one asked how he was after she died. He said (detail removed by Moderator). And when my family came to stay and pack up the house, he said (detail removed by Moderator). He made threats against them. He treated mum badly too when she was alive – (detail removed by Moderator), I didn’t know how bad it had been until recently, I’ve seen bank statements. But then he’d say she was the closest thing to a mum he’d ever had. And I felt bad. I wanted to comfort him. I thought I was being selfish. He was upset when I went to grief counselling because it meant I wasn’t available for him.

It was much worse over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years, after he got in trouble with the police. It impacted on me too, badly, but I tried to support him. I said I’d stand by him – I promised. People say he betrayed me when he committed his crime and when he hurt me.

He did see that he had problems – but he would never get help, however much I encouraged him. In one of his many messages he said he’d get help now. I don’t think I believe him. He wants me to save him but I can’t. I have nothing left and I can barely save myself.

Thank you again xx

[Alicenotichains]

Apricot, I have read your post a couple of times.
My goodness you have been so much and you have been so brave. You are clearly not a coward, but I know that being abused can leave you hating yourself and questioning your judgement.
You didn’t leave like a coward, you left in the most sensible and safest way you could. You are in fact very brave. Women’s Aid would probably suggest this way of leaving rather than telling the abuser face to face so that they can kick off and unleash a final act of control. That would have been dangerous. You have been smart.
I was in 2 abusive relationships and I also lost my Mother during this period. It’s so much to cope with and it can feel overwhelming. You have been through so much and you sound like you are right in the hardest part.
Don’t be fooled by feelings of guilt and pity, although these thoughts will come thick and fast. You are withdrawing from
A situation which has a strong addictive component and this is like going cold turkey. If you contacted him, it might give you brief relief, but the abuse would soon start again and you would have to start the cycle all over again.
The psychological aftermath of an abusive relationship is one of the hardest parts, and not perhaps for the reasons people might assume. Strong feelings of longing, guilt, yearning, sorrow, mixed with confusion and fear. But it fades. Practice lots and lots of self love. Talk to yourself with the utmost kindness and respect. You are doing brilliantly. In time you will be ok, it’s not an instant recovery-it takes time. You have been to hell, but it sounds like you are climbing back out. In time, it will be easier to see this relationship for what it was. Just keep going. Sending you warmest wishes x

[Apricot]

Hello Alicenotinchains,

I don’t feel brave. I just couldn’t take any more. He was so angry and I couldn’t reason with him any more. I wasn’t exactly afraid of him – but I was afraid of what might happen, what he might do. And without mum, I had no one to turn to. I finally told another family member and they told me to get out and gave me a place to stay. They told me not to tell him, not to even leave a note and not to respond to his messages. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was like ripping out my soul. I feel like a monster because I’m going against every instinct and everything I am to do this.

He said (detail removed by Moderator). I miss my cats desperately. A friend has been feeding them but I’ve had to arrange for mum’s cats to be rehomed. Mine will be fostered. I’m dreading going back and saying goodbye to them but it has to be done. It’s just breaking my heart. I do feel I let my mum down, in so many ways. Not least in taking him into our home.

I’m so sorry you lost your mum too. I appreciate your advice and I will try to be kinder to myself xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Apricot,
I am so sorry for your loss, it is truly devastating.
You will be feeling very vulnerable right now.
Take time for yourself and be kind to yourself.
It was abuse you were dealing with, you don’t need to question yourself.
Your ex sounds exactly like mine.
It is not your fault, it is his.
He was using your good nature to his advantage.
You are a good person, you need to concentrate on yourself and heal over time xx

[Apricot]

Hi footballfan1,
Vulnerable is definitely the word. I feel completely broken. It’s taken a lot just to get back to “functioning” and it really is a fight to stay here.

I replay things he said over and over. The messages that got through. Knowing that he is afraid and missing me is the hardest thing. I really feel I am betraying myself and the things that matter to me in not contacting him. I want to make everything better – but maybe I never could.

I think I feel it was my fault because I allowed it to happen. I was telling him it was OK- by not walking away. It would be so much easier if he was just a monster but he wasn’t. He thanked me for the last night we spent together – and it breaks my heart. I didn’t know then that I would leave the next day. I want to be with him – the good part of him. We were together a long time and there was more good than bad. But it got really bad at the end. I don’t feel like a whole person without him.

[Watersprite]

My heart really goes out to you. Yours is such a powerful description of abuse and I relate so much it send shivers. So yes it was abuse. Read up on trauma bond and cognitive dissonance.
You are grieving so much your mum accepting it’s abuse the loss of your relationship the future you planned. It’s grief and absolutely not a reason to go back. You deserve a life a good future and although it doesn’t feel it just now you have taken the biggest step. Reach out for support in real life and on here. You can do this you really can!! X

[Apricot]

Hi Watersprite,
Thank you for your suggestions, I have looked into the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance a bit- I struggle to understand if it applies to me or not. Some of it seems familiar – I still find it very hard to accept that I wasn’t at least partly responsible for the violence. When I was in the relationship, I absolutely felt I was equally to blame. He would tell me that I was equally to blame. Earlier in our relationship I would stand up to him and I would try to fight him off to get away from him. Or I would do something that provoked him.

One early incident was when I threw (detail removed by Moderator) at something he owned. He grabbed me by the throat and pinned me against a wall screaming at me. I couldn’t breathe. I felt so shocked. Just utterly shocked. And then humiliated. And then I was trying to make sense of it. And then I was defending what he did. And he was telling me that it was my fault. That I provoked him. And I believed it.

Towards the end of the relationship I don’t remember fighting back anymore. I just remember feeling crushed. I remember trying to fight down my feelings of anger and hurt. I didn’t want to provoke an argument. I couldn’t say anything in the least critical because I was “bitching” or “attacking.” But I really just wanted to resolve our problems. He was in trouble. Serious trouble with the police. I wanted to talk about it, to try and figure things out and make some kind of a plan for the future. But he just got angry and defensive.

But I felt so loved. I don’t understand. I can see our relationship was codependent. And I can see he was controlling. And I acknowledge the violence and the put downs. But I allowed it – so aren’t I to blame as well? And there was love. I still love him and that’s the hardest thing.

[Alicenotichains]

Apricot I think that he has made you feel like you are to blame for what he did to you. That is a classic hallmark of an abuser.
I spent many years in relationships with 2 abusive men and to me this kind of thinking was very normal. It was always my fault. I used to feel dreadful after they got angry because I felt that I had obviously caused it and I used to resolve to be better and try harder. The goal posts were always moving so I wasn’t sure what better actually was, but I knew it was my fault. Eggshell walking every day.

Fast forward to now, where I am several years into a healthy relationship with a kind, consistent, loving partner. If there are issues we sit down and discuss them like adults. I can say and do whatever I want, whenever I want. He is supportive, he is gentle, he has never shouted at me, or ignored me, or disappeared, or humiliated me, or hit me. I trust him. He trusts me.
The differences between the two types of relationships are massive. I didn’t realise that what was happening before was so wrong until I got a chance to experience what a healthy relationship felt like.

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