Am I in the wrong

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

I’m really sorry to post so much on here so frequent.
I just want to know if I’m in the wrong by maybe some getting some perspective.
So he dropped our daughter back at mine (detail removed by Moderator) after having her (detail removed by Moderator) so a good portion of time he has spent with her. Was all fine, she came in happy as normal. He then went upstairs in my house and started rooting through my drawers. I went up after him and asked what on Earth he was doing. He said he was looking for sexy underwear in case I’d been seeing other men. I told him he had no right. He seemed calm but then started looking in (detail removed by Moderator) too and said I’d “moved” my underwear. I haven’t moved it, it’s in my drawer like always. The last thing I’ve been wanting to do is see another man!
I told him to leave, so he said goodbye to our daughter and left and then said he’d be back at (detail removed by Moderator) to walk his dog. (Bit of background when we were together he bought a dog with his own money, I’m not a dog person but he insisted so) when he moved out and we split he couldn’t take his dog with him because he was sleeping at his mums (as far as I’m aware he still is) and she has her own dog that doesn’t get on with other dogs. So I had to keep his dog, he said when he finds a place he will take it. But until then I’m stuck with it. It’s a lovely dog and my daughter loves it but I feel it’s another reason to keep the ex tied to me. I’ve said when he comes to walk his dog that I will pop the dog in my back garden and he can walk him then return him. He is not coming in my house after what he did earlier. He says he wants to come in to see out daughter and that I’m being selfish for not letting him. Am I in the wrong?

[KIP.]

His behaviour is outrageous. How dare he. This is the entitled behaviour he’s been getting away with. No you’re absolutely not in the wrong. He’s pushing your boundaries and trying to intimidate you. He absolutely has no right to enter your home. You need to set firm boundaries and stick to them. You’re absolutely right about the dog. He’s using it as an excuse to once again push your boundaries and I’d get rid of it as soon as possible and I’m an animal lover but this animal is being used just like your daughter. I’d give him a week to find another temporary home for it, then I’d rehome it myself. Or drop it off at his mums in a separate room from the other dog. You need to cut all direct ties with him. If you have a third party who can do the hand overs then that’s what you need to use. Not sure what age your child is but he can drop her at the garden gate and watch her get in. Are you the resident parent with a legal access agreement. If not then make that your priority as he can keep your child and not return them and he’s legally entitled to do this. Huge red flags here. Talk to your local women’s aid for support.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

I’ve said I will drop dog off at (detail removed by Moderator) but he just says no I won’t. His mum took all the doors off in her house apart from bathroom door so they wouldn’t be able to keep the dog in a separate room otherwise I’d of made him take it with him when he left.
No I’m not the resident parent legally. She is with me 90% of the time but I know that doesn’t give me any rights. My daughter is (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve tried the whole “drop her off at the door” thing but he always tells her “mummy won’t let daddy in” and it upsets her. I’ve tried contacting a solicitor since 23rd Dec but think they were all closed for Xmas period. I shall try again tomorrow. I don’t want to have to take him to court I can’t face it 🙁

[Eggshells]

No, you are not in the wrong or being unreasonable. His behaviour is very dangerous and I would strongly advise that you get some legal advice about keeping yourself safe. I don’t want to scare you but it is important that you know that it is not unknown for these men to let themselves in and rape, assault or kill ex partners and he is clearly demonstrating that he still believes he has a right to abuse you. Please look into getting yourself one of the appropriate orders to keep him away from you and as KIP said, get someone else to do the handovers for you.

[Eggshells]

And I agree with KIP, the dog has to go. He has clearly stated that it is his dog so it it up to him to find a home for it, if he can’t then you need to take it to your nearest pet rescue facility, even if that is difficult for your daughter.

This is a new start for you so if your daughter would like a pet she could have a pet that suits you better.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

I will try ring the solicitor tomorrow.
Thankyou guys.
There is literally no one else to do the handover. His mums point blank refuses and I don’t have any family here. All my friends work full and can’t be here to do hand overs as they have their own kids.

[KIP.]

You may not have to take him to court. A solicitor can draw up an agreement that if he breaks the court will side with you. If there’s nothing in place then he will mess you about for the next 16 years using child contact. You are in charge not him. You can tell him when and where he sees his daughter. Get something formal drawn up so that he can’t simply change plans on a whim. Use a third party for contact and if he won’t do that then it will have to be a contact centre because when he sees you, he abuses you, and when he abuses you he abuses your child. Deliberately upsetting her to force entry to your home is child abuse. Talk it through with a solicitor. They may be able to reassure you. Court is a lot better than having him trample through your house and intimidate you. He has no more right to be there than a stranger off the street and you could report him to the police for this behaviour. You need support from women’s aid. The dog is not your responsibility. Keep a journal of his behaviour and any evidence like texts or emails. What kind of a mother takes all the doors off in her home instead of just saying your dog isn’t allowed here. Are you sure he’s not lying to you. I’d give him a week to rehome the dog then I’d call the local dog home. He’s had his chance to be reasonable and he’s clearly using these things to continue contact and abuse. I know it’s scary so build yourself a support network. Local women’s aid, friends and family willing to help, national domestic abuse helpline, Rights of Women. This forum and anything else you can think of x

[KIP.]

You can do a hand over at your local police station. There’s cctv cameras and there’s the option of a contact centre x don’t give up. Our posts crossed so I didn’t see you don’t have help with hand overs. He’s going to resist anything you suggest anyway.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thanks KIP. A solicitor drawing up an agreement would be really helpful. There’s literally no one else to do contact, no third party. He picks her up from school almost everyday and drops her off at mine. I take her and he drops her off. Am i entitled to say he can’t pick her up from school anymore? Or could be class it as me stopping him seeing her? I know he would go to the school and try to coax her to go with him if I said that tbh.
Oh no sorry I’ve not explained myself very well, his mother took all the doors off her rooms when her own kids were little as they would slam doors and trap each other’s fingers. She’s never put the doors back on. I’m talking years ago now. I unfortunately don’t have any family here and only two friends who both have kids and work full time themselves x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Ah only just seen your post about police station etc, sorry!
Do I tell him that unless he stops abusing me that I will get hand over done somewhere like that or? Yes you’re right I could definitely call the police over what he’s done.

[Eggshells]

No, don’t warn him or engage with him in anyway, let your solicitor do it. In the meantime, if he let’s himself into your house again get yourself and your daughter out of there and dial 999 just as you would with any other intruder.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Ok Thankyou. I’ll try my best to get hold of a solicitor tomorrow.

[KIP.]

I’d consider talking to the police. He’s forced his way into your home and gone through your underwear. He’s not entitled to do that. There is a domestic abuse unit and they may be able to warn him over his behaviour. I wouldn’t confront him on access until you’ve taken legal advice. He may just keep her. You should ring the national domestic abuse helpline for advice. Imagine he was a stranger. Those are the rights he has. A stranger harassing you. Forcing himself into your home. Abusing you. You may also want to consider letting your daughter know the boundaries too. Daddy isn’t allowed into mummy’s home anymore as he has his own home now. Again take advice from your local women’s aid. Whatever you do make sure you keep a diary and tell your GP about his abuse. You’re going to need evidence if this gets into a court battle and a journal and GP records are a good start.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Yes I’m considering ringing 111 and logging it with them. Thankyou for clarifying that and making me see it is out of order. Like I know it’s wrong but I think these people twist it in a way to make us feel bad.
I just feel so overwhelmed with the legal aspect of it all. I have a domestic abuse team in my work and the head of that told me a solicitor won’t draw up a contact agreement and even if they did it would be costly so it always put me off. We only split (detail removed by Moderator) so people are saying it’s early days and he needs time to calm down and the dust to settle x

[KIP.]

These men don’t calm down and the dust doesn’t settle. You’ve seen that for yourself. Don’t listen to others about your own circumstances. Talk to a solicitor and get the facts. You may also qualify for legal aid if there’s domestic abuse involved. I got a local charity to pay for my restraining order so keep reaching out and asking around. You need something in place to say you’re the resident parent. And setting out the contact. That way if you do have to go to court your solicitor can show that letter and if he refuses to return your child you can show the police that letter. A family solicitor will be able to tell you more and there’s Rights of Women who offer free legal advice. After forcing himself into your home in front of your child I’m sure many women would stop access. It sounds dangerous and you need advice from a professional x remember this is the most dangerous time for a woman when she breaks up or soon afterwards. How many women have been told to let him calm down when they should have been told to protect themselves

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

That is very true. You’re right. My heads spinning at the moment. I’m going to try and ring the helpline when my daughters in bed if they’re open this late. Thankyou XX I will keep you all posted x

[Anonymous]

I agree. This needs to be taken seriously. He’s barged into your home and rifled through your intimate things and told you outright that he is looking for evidence of other men. Please do not ignore this blatant red flag. He is on the offensive and the police need to be called and you need to make a report/statement to them. Please contact Women’s Aid directly, they’ll advise you and support you.

Have you changed the locks on the doors? I would strongly advise you to do so.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Yes locks have been changed in the past. Luckily he has no access to my property. He has no keys or anything like that. I’ve kept windows (which are locked anyway) and doors locked now so he has no way of getting in without breaking an entering basically. I’m looking online now to buy a cctv camera for the front.
I’m going to see what time the helpline is open and give a call tonight or if it’s closed I’ll call tomorrow once I’ve dropped my daughter off at school.
I’ve got my counselling session with a DA expert on (detail removed by Moderator) so I shall speak with her about it also.

[Anonymous]

That’s a relief to hear the locks have been changed. Yes a cctv camera and/or doorbell camera sounds like a very wise move. I have one and a security light.

I know it’s a hassle but reporting this incident to the police is a good move. He’s in the throes of losing it, protect yourself by not waiting around to see what he does next.

Take care please x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Spoke to two solicitors. Both have said that it needs to go to court because they can’t just draw up a list of days and times he can see our daughter because it holds no legal weight. Whereas a court order does. One solicitor said I will qualify for legal aid and that I need to give them a load of documents ASAP then they can apply. I don’t want to face him in court, i know he will spin everything and turn it on me and make out I’m crazy and that he’s a lovely guy. I was dragged through court as a kid, had 5 social workers that all constantly questioned me over my dad. Contact centres and supervised contact was my life for (detail removed by Moderator) years. How can I do the same to my daughter. I have just ended up in the exact same situation as my mum was. How have I let this happen? I swore growing up that my daughter wouldn’t go through what I did. And now she might have to. A life of court hearings, social, orders, supervision etc.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Spoke to two different solicitors today. Both said a child arrangement order would have to go to court. They said they don’t write up days and times of access because it holds no legal weight. It would have to go to court. I don’t want to face him in court. I know he will lie and make out like I’m crazy and he’s the most amazing guy. And what if the judge awards him full custody or 3 nights a week or something like that. It could end up the exact opposite of what I want. I don’t mind him seeing her but I don’t want her to have any overnight stays with him. I don’t mind her taking her out somewhere on weekends. He can continue to pick her up from school if he wants but I don’t want her having overnight stays or any extended periods of time. I don’t know if I’m being selfish?
And then what if it goes the opposite way and she has to have a social worker etc and supervised contact etc. I had 5 social workers growing up, constantly questioning me over my dad. I don’t want her to go through what I did but it seems like I’m leading that path. How could I have let this happen. My mum went through a (detail removed by Moderator) year court battle with my dad over access, I was in contact centres,, supervised contact etc till I was (detail removed by Moderator). How can I do that to my own child knowing the lasting damage it had on me.

[KIP.]

Take a deep breath. You’re actually in a good position and can draw on your experience. If he knows your biggest fear is court then he will play on that. Things have come a long way in 10 years. You need to build a support network round you. Gather evidence of his behaviour and lean on women’s aid who deal with abusers all the time. They are predictable. It’s great that you have the opportunity for legal aid and I’d urge you to apply for that urgently. If nothing is in place you can be assured he will keep her just to spite you. Don’t let your experiences cloud your judgement. She is not you and you have a lot more knowledge than your mum did. So take a step back. Apply for legal aid and talk to women’s aid. Try not to think worse case scenario. Realistically how much time can he actually spend with her. Does he work? Does he really want to spend time with her? Or is he just doing this to harm you? A lot more is known about the harmful effect of abusive men on children and he’s already shown he’s prepared to abuse her to gain access to your property. Do not minimise the effect of that. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do but panic is your worse enemy. It closes down the rational part of your brain. Talk to your local women’s aid. Get support. Build a picture of his abusive behaviour and don’t minimise it. A good family solicitor with experience of domestic abuse should be able to reassure you and to set out a plan for you to protect yourself and your child. Does your ex have money to find court. If not you could say you’re doing him a favour by using legal aid to sort out an access agreement that suits you both. He knows your weaknesses but you know his. Deep breaths. Step back x regroup. No rush x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thankyou kip xx
I just don’t want her growing up with the same issues I did. I was always the different child cause my mum and dad were in court and My dad wasn’t safe enough to be left alone with me. My mum had to watch her every move cause I had social workers and they all favoured my dad and one wrong move from my mum they’d of used that to give my dad full custody. My mum made herself ill with worry, I remember being so small but having anxiety about the days I’d have to go and see him. I suppose it’s different for my daughter, she loves spending time with her dad and happily goes with him. So I’m obviously happy that she has a great relationship with him. I just have to protect myself. Yes he works full time nights. He does from (detail removed by Moderator) so she wouldn’t see him on week days anyway. He picks her up from school for me and drops her off at mine and goes straight to work so he really does barely see her in the week. So his time would be weekends As he doesn’t work them. He dropped her off today, I made sure I met him at the gate and I had my back door locked. He didn’t try anything luckily. I led my daughter straight in the house and closed the door and locked it. He wants her every (detail removed by Moderator) from (detail removed by Moderator) overnight till (detail removed by Moderator) afternoon. Is that fair? Like I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable

[KIP.]

Talk to your solicitor and be very wary of offering him anything because if it goes to court that could be the starting point. Use the legal aid for good use. Remember you’re allowing your child around an abuser. If you want to stop contact because he’s an abuser then they will ask why you allowed contact to begin with. Even if it is her father. I’d resist any overnights just yet. She needs her own bed and sleep routine. Her welfare should come first and if it goes to court then that’s what you need to show. I’m sure other ladies with more experience could help. My son was grown up but was still used and manipulated and that’s what worries me here x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

No I get what you mean. I wouldn’t want to stop contact cause she does love him and likes spending time with him but I would want it limited.
I’ve reported the incident that happened (detail removed by Moderator) to 101. They logged it and said because I’ve called about him before I will get a call of the cert team in a few days about what happens next. I’ve no ideas what that means. What if they think I can’t look after my child x

[Anonymous]

Can I just reframe this for you as I can see you are in a little bit of a panic… imagine a woman just got mugged in the shop, do you think the police jump to the conclusion ‘why couldn’t she look after her purse?!?’

He barged into your home. Yeah sure, you could have put up a physical fight, but that is not what I think or the police will think would have been the right course of action because it would most likely have led to a physical altercation where you would have been hurt or worse. You have not done anything wrong here. He is the perpetrator and you are the victim.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Yes that is true. But it’s my job to protect her. I’m just terrified of her being taken away or the police calling social services and them thinking that she’s better off without me because I let her witness this incident. The police were asking me “what did your daughter think of what was happening”
I know I’m probably panicking and being stupid.

[Anonymous]

I realise you are most likely at your wits end and that is understandable, truly it is. It’s not a nice situation to be in and you have my full sympathy x

The police will have asked this question not because you witnessed the event or that you didn’t stop him, because as I said he barged into your home without your consent. What could you have realistically done? As I said, yes you could have tried to physically stop or prevent him but as he is an abusive man this would have no doubt ended up with you being physically hurt or worse. What I will say is that if anything like this happens again, do not hesitate to call the police. That is what they are there for.

The police have a duty of care towards your child. They are aware your ex-partner is displaying that he is an unstable and abusive man. This is not his first run-in with them. They will use this to build their case against him. Don’t forget that the police deal with men like this day in and day out.

There is no reason that I can see that the police will be against you.

[Anonymous]

On a slightly different note but it’s all related, were you able to sort out cctv or a security camera or a security light?

x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Really sorry to bang on and seem like a mad woman. In my rational brain I know that I keep her safe and that these people just want to help me. I think you just hear horror stories. Police tried to call me back, missed the call. Left a voicemail saying they want to send an officer out at some point. Rang back and they’ve said they’ll try again but might be tomorrow now. Trying not to fall asleep in case they call.
Yes my cctv camera arrives tomorrow. Just need to find a handyman who can install it. I don’t know if they’re all being made to stop work cause of covid. Hopefully not! X

[Anonymous]

It’s ok, I know you’re frightened and I understand why you are.

Regards the cctv, my advice is to get an electrician to install it and not a handyman if that’s possible.

Get up early and ring round electricians until you find one who is reputable and able to install it ASAP. It will cost more than a handyman but then electricians are legally bound to do electrics correctly and handymen aren’t. Don’t be scared to apply the pressure as to why you need it done as soon as possible!

You have two choices:

Continue to live in fear of him and bend to his terms because you are scared of him and he uses your fear to continue to terrorise you.

Continue to journey down the path of having your basic human rights met which is scary too because you aren’t used to having your rights met and fear the worst will happen if you should embrace help. Re-read KIP’s responses to you.

Try to get some sleep now, put your phone next to you so that if the police should call, you’ll hear it and be able to answer.

Night x

[lpldja]

I know you’ve had a lot of replies but I just wanted to support them in saying you are absolutely not in the wrong. He has no right to go through your underwear and it is none of his business whether you are seeing someone else (I had the same with my ex-husband when I did start seeing someone else). Not all men are like him, everyone on this forum was hoodwinked in some way by a man so what you are going through is not your fault. Do not blame yourself.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thankyou guys for all your support and replies. My CCTV camera is being fitted on (detail removed by moderator). I logged the incident with the police and they called back to say it’s down on their system now and gave me a ref number. The officer said if ex starts any antics like that again then to call 999 if I need.
Spoken to a solicitors about the possibility of them writing to my ex (detail removed by moderator). Solicitors are trying to claim legal aid for me so that I don’t have to pay £250 for the letter to be sent out to ex and any responses he may give to them etc. My old IDVA has been emailed to see if she can fill in the template letter for solicitors claim the legal aid. Just waiting for IDVA to respond back. Once cctv cam is up and I know about the legal aid or not I’ll feel a little more straight about everything in my mind I think. Also, dog is gone, it’s gone to his (detail removed by moderator) so that is another thing he doesn’t have to contact me about. I’ve given him all his documents passport, car insurance documents etc. Slowly getting rid, I know it won’t happen overnight but the anxiety is awful.

[KIP.]

Wow. Superb! Absolutely well done. You’re doing so well. Yes the anxiety is awful but you’re pushing through it because deep down you know it’s the right thing to do. Getting your boundaries up early on will save you getting messed around. Remember to eat and drink to keep your strength up. Moving the dog was something that needed to be done. Cutting all ties is what you’re aiming for and if contact continues then via third party wherever possible. Survivors are the strongest women on the planet. To survive abuse takes strength and courage and you can use that strength to your advantage now x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Yeah I agree the dog needed to go a million percent. A lot easier to manage now there isn’t a puppy involved! He will have a good life at (detail removed by moderator) and means my daughter can still see pup too. Think it’s made the ex realise that I do mean business this time.
I definitely know it’s the right thing to do it’s just such a long road I’m trying to hold onto little glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel. On Tuesday I was exhausted and felt like it would never end. I had a chat to my counsellor about it, it made me realise I was angry about what he has done. Something I’ve only felt fleetingly, but now there is a part of me that is so angry that he is treating people like this and ruining their lives. Part of me is also angry at his pathetic excuse of a mother and step father too. Sorry to rant!

[Author]

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