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X picked me up to take me to the (removed by moderator) & told me some news that I wasn’t expecting. It was good news and after my initial surprise, I expressed that while I had hope to be more involved in this thing, I am aboveall happy that it’s happening.
X then proceeded to tell me I had ruined their afternoon, called me ungrateful and selfish.
I, in an attempt to reassure them, patted them on the arm, near their elbow, lightly, about (removed by moderator), whilst reiterating that while I had hoped to have been able to do the thing myself, this is aboveall a good thing to be happening and I am excited about it. I wanted to reassure them.
In response to this, X then claimed that my patting them on the arm was ‘abuse’, stating they do not like being touched.
I did apologise and explained that I didn’t mean any harm by it, that I meant it as reassurance (I have googled it too, patting someone on the arm is seen as a empathetic, warm action – which is how I intended it).
X went on to say that they don’t give an f about our relationship and began calling me selfish again. When I began to use the Grey Rock technique they called me rude and immature for not talking to them, to which I asked them to be kind. They responded by telling me they stopped being kind to me years ago.I went home, cried and have been shaking since. I spoke to a trusted person about this and they told me that patting someone on the arm is not abuse and that they probably just said it to trigger me.
In the past they have told me they don’t like being hugged and so I don’t hug them and generally speaking I ask people if they want a hug first and only give one if they do want a hug. I did not think that, when X told me last year they didn’t like being hugged, that this would apply to all types of touch, a touch on the arm included. I know now that they specifically to do like being patted on the arm, but I did not at the time. Am I in the wrong?
X did also tell me that if it had been someone else, not me, who pat them on the arm, they would have been fine with it. I’ve been thinking about how often X will put their hand on someone’s shoulder/back without asking and I’m so confused too, is that a double standard? Am I in the wrong?
Any thoughts welcome. I feel terrible.
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Ho Echohalls, welcome to the forum.
You are not in the wrong, you sound like a caring, emphatic person, all these mind games he is using to confuse you, it must be exhausting you. He knows how to keep you in the cycle of FOG (fear, obligation, Guilt) if you Google the cycle FOG it might help. Also, the book Living with The Dominater by Pat Craven is a good book to start with. Keeping a journal is also helpful (when you doubt yourself you can read back, I will re read my older posts on here to keep me grounded).
Your partner sounds like a typical abuser, he sounds controlling. If he was truly unhappy in your relationship then he would leave, he is getting something from abusing you and he does know what he is doing.
Keep posting ❤
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Hi EchoHalls
This person is being abusive to you. I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Have I got this right that this is not someone you are in an intimate relationship with? This is a ‘friend’ rather than a ‘boyfriend/partner’?
If so, you don’t need these kinds of ‘friends’, he’s no friend to treat you this way with emotional blackmail like this. He was punishing you, and you checked it out with a good friend who has confirmed that for you.
You did right to stonewall them, maybe consider ghosting them next?
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi again
I just wanted to say sorry, I hadn’t noticed that you had posted in the ‘familial abuse’ topic area.
So I am this person you call ‘X’ is a family member, which makes life a lot harder for you, especially if you are living with them.
Is anyone else aware of your treatment by him, or her, sorry, you don’t say, or does he/she treat everyone this way?
Have you raised this with someone/anyone around you, as its bullying you, and can have deeper longer-lasting affects on your health.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you for the responses. Yes X is my mam. I have spoken to trusted people about this and they think X says things to deliberately upset me. I’ve been subjected to DA in a romantic relationship in the past, which adds to the upset when X does this. I will look into FOG, sounds applicable to this. Many thanks again
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When I think about how they said they stopped being kind to me years ago, it’s so disheartening and sad. They made me feel so terrible for patting them on the arm, which I only meant as comfort and reassurance. Had Thank you again for all the support.
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