Am I in the wrong?

[southernblues]

Hi. 1st time posting!

I left my husband (detail removed by Moderator) ago (we have 2 children) – he has always been incredibly jealous, we met very young, got engaged when I was just (detail removed by Moderator) & married at (detail removed by Moderator). He did some quite vile things at the beginning of our relationship – I remember he was drunk once and I had been out with friends without him and when I got home he (detail removed by Moderator) to see if I had been with another man (yup, grim) but I loved him and we have been almost one person, so intertwined in each others entire lives for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years but I have lost contact with my friends and have had bouts of depression and total loss of identity during this time.

In the last (detail removed by Moderator) years my youngest child started school so I have restarted work and i absolutely love my job, i have friends, i laugh, i just enjoy my work life so much – but when i go out with friends i get a lot of passive aggressive stroppiness, he’s generally off with me for no reason, believes i flirt with blokes at the pub but says ‘its not you i dont trust its them’.

(detail removed by Moderator) a male colleague jokingly (detail removed by Moderator) as we walked in front of it and when i got home i messaged him on (detail removed by Moderator) saying ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ – my husband has full blown accused me of having an affair with this man, I don’t follow him on (detail removed by Moderator) so my husband says I’m trying to hide that I’ve messaged and believes there is a backlog of messages to and fro that I’ve deleted (there isn’t) says I’ve absolutely crossed the line, been totally unprofessional & have reached out to him which shows i want to have sex with him. He has seen this message as he has gone through my phone, all search history, all social media and all my messages, he has gone through my work bag, work laptop and i have seen he has my (detail removed by Moderator) account on his phone so he has basically been spying on me for months, if not years.

I have never once done anything to break his trust but he is putting doubt in my mind – was I wrong for sending that message? Was I reaching out? I have called him up on his jealousy and he said he will get counselling but now says I’ve gaslighted him as he’s actually had something to be jealous of as I’ve messaged another man. I now feel guilty again that I have done something wrong.

Ugh

[Lisa]

Hi southernblues,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this a supportive place to share your experiences. Many women I’m sure can relate to what you have expressed here.

So to simply answer your question; no. You have done nothing wrong. You partner has issues with his own insecurities, and blames you for them. He seems very controlling and manipulative – and again, abusers will commonly put those attributes on the victim. You are not gaslighting him; he wants you to feel in the wrong in all this, so he doesn’t have to take accountability for his own behaviour. And it sounds like his behaviour has had quite an impact on you and your life over the years.

Perhaps you can start engaging with your local domestic abuse service. They often have one-to-one or group support sessions, where you can start feeling heard and get the validation you need to start thinking about what is best for you in all this. As he clearly feels the need to control you and most all aspects of your life, discuss with a local worker on how to get this help in the safest way possible.

You may also want to check out The Freedom Programme, which is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme that provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK. More information about the Programme can be found on their website.

I hope this is helpful to you. Do keep posting to let us know how you are moving forward.

Take care,

Lisa

[Author]

Posts