Am I just as bad?

[Brokensoul]

So there’s alot of control in our relationship from his side for example not “letting me” meet friends for coffee or to take the kids out etc. I’m sure alot of you ladies have/are experiencing this but another aspect to our relationship is the fact he sits on his computer ALL night from (detail removed by moderator) until (detail removed by moderator) every night and so sleeps ALL day, leaving me to do EVERYTHING and I recently found out there are girls within the group of people he speaks to on his games and it’s made me feel VERY paranoid to the point I’m not sleeping most nights but then that made me think.. am I just as bad as him? Having a problem with who he talks to? Accusing him of things when I don’t have proof, it’s messed with my head like you wouldn’t believe..

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … Brokensoul,
I think it is only natural that you are questioning yourself … especially if you are becoming sleep deprived
First and foremost get back into a sleeping pattern regardless of what he is up to, as if you are not sleeping you will become off centre and wont be able to focus on what is really going on … in these situations it is so important to be functioning as well as you can and be as grounded as you can, otherwise it doesn’t take much for you to become clouded in your thinking
No one should tell another person what they can and can’t do … so for a start him stopping you from seeing friends or taking your kids out is not right. A relationship should be about balance and trust and wanting the best for your partner
The fact that he is up all night on his computer does not sound very healthy to me, so I think you are right to question it… if there is nothing untoward going on I am sure he should be able to speak openly and honestly to you about why he’s staying up and what he is doing. Your behaviour is just a reaction to his
For you now, I think you need to be thinking about … is this the kind of man I want to be with, is this the man I want to set my kids a good example … a grown man staying up all night on the computer and sleeping all day does not sound an ideal partner to move forward in life with
He is choosing his night time activities over you and family life
Start to focus heavily on yourself, regardless of what he is up to. The more strength you build the more able you will be to see him for who he really is and start to realise you deserve so much more
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Anonymous]

Hi hun, welcome, abusers are projectors and the biggest hypocrites going, they’ll accuse you of doing things they are doing/have done/or are thinking of doing and will do all kinds of things while trying to ban you doing those same things, it’s basically 1 rule for them and entirely different one for us, they think they are above and better than women and feel entitled to do what they want when they want, if you’ve not googled these names before have a little look gaslighting blameshifting d.a.r.v.o and trauma bonding it could explain a few things no one wants to be disrespected by anyone, confused or abused this relationship is clearly making you hurt unhappy and stressed that’s not how someone should feel think about the person you were before you met him? It’s very telling of the impact it’s had, be well 💛🤗💛

[Brokensoul]

Thankyou for your reply’s ladies, I’m really trying to get myself back into a sleeping pattern and the kids being back at school is helping,I just feel like I’m going crazy, I’m cancelling plans with family just incase he uses it as an excuse to take this computer stuff one step further, I feel myself trying to keep him happy in hopes that he doesn’t betray me not knowing whether he has already betrayed me and then keeping my mouth shut about how I feel because I’m worried it’ll push him away but then if he was to leave would it be such a bad thing.. we’ve broken up before and he’s left and gone to his mums and for a day I’m ok and then all of a sudden it’s like a wave comes over me and I just crumble, it’s like I’m not strong enough to be without him even tho he doesn’t do anything anyway and I’m pretty much a single parent and when he isn’t here nothing really changes with the routine other than the fact he’s not sleeping all day so the kids can make noise and run around the flat like kids should be able to and me feeling on edge about them waking him up so all in all it’s better for us but I just don’t seem to be able to do it and it’s me after all that who is the one saying “come back” even after he’s telling me nothing is gonna change, I’m not gonna have my independence, and the routine will be the same, I’m still gonna feel like a one woman band, like I’m being pulled in every direction, and paranoid about his computer and we’re back to square one..

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

omg!
I completely understand how your feeling! My partner had a secret coke addiction for (detail removed by Moderator) maybe longer. I finally got to the bottom of it.. however it still didn’t explain the fact he was constantly on his phone but never responding to me. He plays a mobile (detail removed by Moderator) game. He had all these chat apps for this game, he told me he was very important on there so had to talk to all his group on the game. Anyway one day he left his phone because he went to sneak an do coke, in the rush he forgot his phone. I opened (detail removed by Moderator). Low an behold he had been chatting to women from a b****y game! Calling them babe and talking to them as if he was b****y with them! My snooping was short lived and I still to this day don’t know what else was on it as he snatched his phone the second he was back. However he then went on to try an commit suicide so there must have been something bad I didn’t see for him to act like that! Do not trust this kind of behaviour, my partner is the most unlikely person to cheat ever however clearly people are very good at lying about who they really are! I’m not so much as allowed to speak to a dad on the playground even if it’s because I need to for something to do with the kids however he was going about messaging girls from all over the b****y world! Your not as bad as him, us woman keep in check we don’t talk to men we don’t give our men any ammunition the point is our men believe it’s one rule for us and another for them!

[Anonymous]

Hi there I too have experienced this problem with my ex partner as I caught him cheating early on in the relationship on texts , I then spent the remainder of the relationship paranoid he was cheating, constantly accusing him of it and checking his phone . I was called controlling & jealous for my behaviour, only reason I acted this way is because my ex gave me cause too . I do believe they love to make you jealous and cause mind games so even if they are innocent they want you to be a nervous wreck so you fear your going to lose them . It is truly a one sided relationship, it’s basically I can do what I want and you do what I say . I too wasn’t allowed any freedom, my phone was checked and I was accused of cheating, lying etc , as it’s mostly them that are doing these things and they project everything they do onto you .

[Author]

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