Am I just daft?

[solve or survive]

Sorry for the length of this but this is the first time I have shared these examples openly and even considered that I may be experiencing abuse.

When things are good, they are beautiful. We connect, we laugh, we share.

However. We bicker and argue a lot, and I’ve noticed that all of the blame gets put on me, regardless of the catalyst or his part in it. If there is a breakdown in communication, it’s down to how I delivered/received the information, not how he delivered/received the information. I’ll say ‘A-B-C’, he interprets it as ‘a-b-c’, then when I say “No, I’m not sure I’ve explained properly, I meant ‘Capital A-B-C'”, he then says that I’m changing the narrative, lying or backpedalling, instead trying to understand that he hasn’t understood me correctly in the first place or I’ve simply mis-communicated it. It escalates from a mole hill to a mountain and he gets incredibly fixated on what I’ve done or what I’ve said.

If I ask a question (simple ones, nothing deep or challenging), he wants to know why I’m asking, and if I can’t answer properly, it escalates and then he blames me for the argument or says that I’m lying or not being straight with him. I also have poor working memory and I feel like he uses this against me, telling I’m not remembering situations or arguments properly, or assumes I’m misremembering things.

I frequently hear how *I* can do better and how *I* can improve. It’s never about what he can do better and he somehow always manages to find a way that I’ve done something wrong, even when I don’t think I have initially – but he manages to convince me that I have, and I’m at fault, I’m to blame, and that sits with me very heavily for a while, and I beat myself up. Even when I do take responsibility (if I really recognise that I truly have done something wrong), the argument continues and it just feels like he wants to continue berating me and going in circles, fixating on what I’ve done wrong instead of working with me to find common ground and resolve the situation.

Sometimes, it feels like he deliberately baits me or does something that he know I will rise to, just so he has an excuse to flip things around on to me and put the blame on me. I’m burned out with all of the self-reflection, self-improvement and trying to be better. I’m burned out with just feeling like I’m not good enough for him, myself or anyone, because I hear 5 things I do/say wrong for every 1 thing I do/say right.

He’ll also hang up on me on the phone during an argument and tell me to leave him alone, then rings me repeatedly until I answer, just to carry on shouting at me. He makes threats to break up with me and says things like “I’m done with you today, that’s it, we’re not talking for a week.” He’s never hit me but has threatened to once, when he was angry. He has grabbed my arms once before, and restrained me from leaving a room when I wanted to go and calm down.

I’m sure there are many more examples that I can think of as on reflection, it’s been going on for a while. I justify him to myself and others because of the good times and the good things. I’m not wholly truthful with my friends and family about our conflicts. But am I going daft? Genuinely? Is he just a bit of an a** at times who’s dealing with some unprocessed emotions, or is this something bigger?

I can feel my confidence seeping out of me – he thinks it’s because of my job, but I’m worried that it’s because of him.  I don’t know what to do.

[Lisa]

Hi solveorsurvive,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

You are not daft. What you’ve described is emotional and physical abuse. The overtly nasty behaviour doesn’t need to be all the time for this to be domestic abuse. In fact, usually that behaviour isn’t all the time and this is part of what can make domestic abuse so confusing and difficult to see while you’re in it. If you didn’t have the times where things were good, it would be much easier for you to leave. Abuse is all about power and control and, even during those good times, he’s controlling how you get to feel.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[solve or survive]

Thank you for your message Lisa. I found both comfort and pain in your words.

In my line of work, I sometimes work with DV cases so I am familiar with the warning signs, but it seems to have taken a long time for me to recognise it in my own relationship, which contributes to these difficult feelings.

I think the live chat would be helpful for me as I don’t have anyone I can speak to in my personal life about it – we share the same friends. Again, something else that makes this feel very difficult and painful.

Thank you again for your kind words and gentle clarity. I will keep posting in the forum.

[Author]

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