Am I just silly?

[nbumblebee]

Hey me yet again, gonna be a hard hard week and i just need to let it out on here as I am trying so hard to control my self harm.
(detail removed by moderator) I will be facing 2 family members who abused me and raped me at different times in my life but along time ago im sure most of you know my story by now, yes ive decided to go and face them i cant keep hiding away pretending it didnt happen pretending my husband isnt hurting me now I am hoping by facing these men i will start to feel brave enough to face the here and now and my husband.
But now we are only days away Im terrified.
I feel so so sick, I shake I cant think sleep eat work i am a mess. Im worried about their smell their voices and just having to be nice fills me with such anger such dread I am a total mess.
Am I just being silly over reacting to such a small thing? Ive seen one of them on and off over the years but the man who raped me ive not seen since he did what he did (detail removed by moderator).
Should I be over it? Am I just being daft worrying so much? Am I making this bigger than it should be cause im just a big bag of mess?
Im doing this alone with no support i never told my husband he knows i hate my brother but not why and he just loves to wind me up about it and i know my husband will insisit we sit close to my brother just so he can see me squirm so its gonna be tough really tough guess I just need a bit of support ladies a hug even am just lonley and terrified but determined yes determined to face them as hard as it will be Im doing this.

[Lisa]

Hello nbumblebee,

I just want to wish you well in having to face these abusive family members, it sounds like it could potentially be really difficult so take good care of yourself.

You’re not overreacting in any way, no one should have to have contact with someone who has had such a traumatic and permanent impact on their life, it is not something you should ever have gone through.

I hope it is not too traumatic for you, please do look after yourself in this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[nbumblebee]

Thanks x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi nbumblebee

Sending you hugs and strength x*x

You don’t have to do this, you said you wanted to face it, but now feel sick about it. You are free to withdraw at any time. This isn’t something you have to ‘achieve’ in that sense, not something you ever have to do. Its not necessary to recover, facing them.

It may do something to help you, it may not, especially as you are currently unsupported, it may cause more harm than help.

You need to be sure this is really worth it. Its a very serious matter, and not silly, the very opposite, but I do get why you may feel this way, but you are not being silly, definitely not.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Thank you i just feel like i should just get over it that it shouldnt affect me in such a way.
Its just all daft really but I just cant help how i feel.

[Twisted Sister]

Why shouldn’t it affact you this way?

I would affect any woman this way, I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but you are no different in this respect from any other woman. Women that you would support I’m absolutely sure, if you read this dilemma as theirs and were offering advice to them? You would understand better if another woman said she was experiencing such extreme distress after such extreme absue to them. I just know you would.

I hadn’t realised you don’t feel able to get out of this arrangement. As anyone can remove themself from any event, so can you. You can be ill of course, or you can just not go. There is no reason you have to other than being coerced, as this is clearly doing you great harm, just even the thought of it is bringing you such extreme distress, and we understand why. Completely. It makes total sense, and is no surprise.

Noone has to face their perpetrator, noone. No woman should be tricked into facing someone who causes such trauma, ever. The only way is to support women to face things in their own time, if and when they want to , actively want to, when they feel ready, and never before, its so very dangerous to yourself, or anyone in this situation. It can bring you great harm, I know.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Its (detail removed by moderator)  and she isnt the nicest person she can be very selfish and will be nasty if i dont go I dont need another nasty person in my life so thats why i feel like i have to go.
I do want to face them though i am hoping facing them will turn the anger i feel in myself to them. I am hoping seeing them will help me see it was them not me thats to blame.
All my life all I do is please others and i still manage to get it wrong. I dont know who I am what I want anymore i really dont x

[Twisted Sister]

well many of us know that feeling, too well do we. Feeling like we have lost ourselves or who we are.

Keep listening to yourself, thats you, and who you are.

The problem that you have found, in trying to please, is that you can’t, and will just end up feeling like you’ve done it wrong again. Thats because of them. You will never actually appease an abuser, and you will always do it wrong, do you see how its not about you but them? Its always about them, and if its not, then they make very sure it becomes about them.

If you truly want to go, for your reasons, then you can go on your terms, and plan that to prepare yourself well.

You can decide whether it wil be a flying visit, or just stay long enough to say hi to each person you want to have a quick catch up with then go. You will have to learn to live with people not being happy with you, because you can’t possibly make everyone happy. Do what you feel YOU need to do in the way YOU need to do it? This is how most will manage tricky situations, find their own way of doing it. It does sound like you will be in trouble no matter what you do, so accept that they will get angry anyway, regardless of what you do, and make sure to keep yourself happy and safe.

You don’t have to please your mother, or your brother, or anyone, and accept some people just won’t be made happy by you no matter how hard you try and let them go do their thing.

This sounds so so tough for you, and I hope upon hope that you will get from this what you need, instead of what they need/demand you give.

I hope you posting about it though has brought some much needed support to you though, and maybe some thoughts on being prepared for the worst, its so important to helping you with resilience, which you desperately need when doing something as massive as this.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

You are so lovley Thank you.
Honestly I havent even thought any further ahead than going and seeing them. I dont know how i will react or what I will do. I am hoping my uncle in particular will just stay away and leave me alone i havent even thought about what how i will cope after either. Its all just blank all I know is how i feel now and its not good but I am hoping it will get better afterwards.
Thank you so much for your support means the world x

[Twisted Sister]

hi, you’re kind to say that, thank you.

you can’t possibly know ahead of time how you will react, or what will happen, but you only know how you feel now, at the prospect of going.

Like leaving abuse, having plans are vital, going into your family situation its vital for your protection and safety to have a plan. Firstly, as an absolute basic, that you have the right to change your mind, and you have the right to leave at any point, you have the right to walk away in the face of abuse, you can build your plans around these rights, like not planning to stay the entire event, or keeping close to an exit point, taking a friend for support, but putting things in place this side of the event, will help you stay in control of yourself, and affect how you feel after the event. The fallout could be not-existent, or absolutely catastrophic, or somewhere in between.

I think after being in abuse for any length of time we forget ourselves, and how to just be, how to do the usual things that others do to manage themselves and their lives to the best outcome for them, so that they remain as safe as they can. We have often stopped doing those things, or only doing them at such an extreme level that anything less we just take it, but it gets to the point that we have no shield from abuse anymore, and this is what you need to build, your shield, your defence, and your resilience, for you xx to keep you strong.

warmest wishes

ts

[Dreamingoffreedom]

I haven’t been here for long so don’t know masses about your story but I’ve certainly got the gist of what sounds like a horrific situation. Just to reiterate what twisted sister said, you don’t gave to do it and can pull out whenever you want. Whether you fo or dont, it’s no surprise you feel nervous and are worrying so don’t feel silly in any way. To me you sound like a very strong person to be facing your fears even though it is tearing you up inside.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much for the support xx

[Dreamingoffreedom]

My typos 🙈

[Bananaboat]

I agree with the others, remember you’ve always got the choice to change your mind, at any point. You’re being incredibly strong wanting to face this, planning it out and talking about it, but you don’t have to do anything which may harm you further. They’ll be other times you can face it if that’s your desire. Even telling yourself this will give you a bit of control back and help to calm that anxiety you’re feeling. You’re dealing with a lot already, be kind to yourself. xx

[Hereforhelp]

Nbumblebee I worry that you going to face these abusive men will harm you. What is it you want to achieve or prove to yourself by going and are you being honest with yourself? The thought of going is causing you to feel physically ill and is mentally affecting you, have you visualised seeing either of these men before? That can be helpful as to how you may react.

A way out on the day (if safe for you nbumblebee) you could pretend you are sick, migraine? I am trying to think of ways put, so that you have an exit plan if it gets too much 🤔

You do not have to go, this is your life, your body is responding and your mental health, you owe THEM nothing! Look after yourself, Starr with a small part (hair mask in the bath or face pack, whatever you like.. I ordered myself and my son, he is at home with me all the time St the moment, latte and frostino from costas, it was so nice and a real treat (that was on a I miss my abusive ex t**t of a husband day, the large coffee and seeing my son happy with his drink soon helped me realise that I do not miss him…

Keep posting nbumblebee, you know you are not judged on here, we are all here for you and routing for you ❤ we will also be here after, if you decide to go ❤

Our stories are so similar I felt compelled to respond to your post xx

[nbumblebee]

I want to prove that I am strong maybe? That i can get over abuse and will?
I cant not go it really isnt an option it never has been. And yes its making me crazy it really is im just going bknkers here with stress and worry but I just hope if I do this I will finally understand the problem is was with them not me.
Does that make sense at all?
I blame myself totally I started it? I mustve given off signals? I wasnt strong enough to say no? My fault i did this to myself I am hoping by seeing them i will hate them more than I hate myself x

[Seek221]

Nbumblebee,

You’re not overreacting or being silly in any way, shape or form. This is a huge step and it’s totally understandable for you to be feeling this way about it.
Remind yourself that you are now safe and you are brave. You have nothing to fear because you did nothing wrong. If you feel that it is too much to see them, remove yourself from the situation. Like some of the other ladies have said, you owe them nothing and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. You have been through enough.

Please keep posting and speaking to us, I’m sure we all understand the anxieties and worries that you’re experiencing.

Stay strong and stay safe, remember to look after you.
Sending lots of love x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much your support means the world i just felt so silly posting this but reading all your answers has helped me see maybe its not silly at all. Thank you x*x

[searchingforhope]

You are not being silly. Doing that and facing them is huge and as the others said, do what is best for you. You do not have to do it, but I also get your logic in thinking maybe it will help in dealing with your husband. But you don’t have to do it. Go easy on yourself. It’s a horrific situation that no one should have to go through.
Listen to your body too. I think that’s something I’m slowly learning but still haven’t achieved the ability to do it completely.
I’ve been given a gift of a rose oil mix lately, which works as an emotional support, and is helping me a bit I think and can be massaged into tummy too to help settle that anxiety. Maybe that would be a natural way of soothing the anxiety a bit.
Take care of yourself. x*x

[nbumblebee]

Thank ypu this is a good idea i may try this thank ypu xx

[searchingforhope]

Take care x*x

[Anonymous]

Nobody ever “has” to do anything. Abusers are the ones that take “choice” away from us. I know it’s hard to even begin to get your head around that when you’re in the midst of the chaos, but try and remember it, even if you don’t feel it. You don’t have to go to this event, you don’t have to do ANYTHING. You are a strong woman with an independent mind and an independent body, completely within your rights to make your own decisions. Decisions that are healthy for YOU.

Sending hugs and support sweetie, whatever you do x x x

[Anonymous]

Hello

I’m wondering whether it might be helpful to have a support plan in place for helping you manage your feelings after the event. People you can be with and talk to who will support you and it helplines your can call/text for emotional support and/or crisis support. This might help you manage the anxiety you are feeling now. I wish you weren’t in such an awful position, I understand your dilemma about the fall out from not going but I worry that you are already vulnerable due to having ongoing abuse in your life currently so there is no safe space for you to process any feelings that are likely to come up Winthrop seeing these people. I hope you have some support to deal with all the thoughts of self blame you are carrying. You were never in any way responsible for someone abusing you, all fault and responsibility lies with them and them only.

[nbumblebee]

Hi, Thanks for your advice sadly I dont have anyone out here. I did try and reach out but they have said that they dont understand so I dont feel i can any longer relie on their support.
Im doing this alone which is ok.
Thank you your support means the world x

[Gerbil]

Hi nbumblebee
I totally agree with everything that has already been said on here. You are definitely NOT silly in the slightest. Is there going to be anyone there that you feel comfortable with that you could head towards ? There is no denying that it will be a stressful situation for you having to be near your past abusers and be there with your abuser husband. I think the fact that you are trying to plan it through and the fact that you can talk about it on here may help reduce a tiny bit of the stress and anxiety when you are there. You are so strong to even think about going!
I just want to wish your lots of strength to get through it.
Keep posting on here about your worries about the event.
Take care x

[nbumblebee]

I dont go to family events due to the obvious so family think im a weird one so no theres nobody i can sit with and my husband being the man he is will ensure we sit with my brother my husband is aware we do not get on hes never asked why and ive never told him but he enjoys seeing me squirm so I have no doubt he will definatly head for him.I thank you so much for your supportive words they mean the word to me they really do.

[Darknessallaround]

You are not silly. Not overreacting. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, not even yourself, and especially not if just the thought of it is making you feel ill.

The problem is always with the abuser, no one else. They trick you into thinking the blame lies with you. It doesn’t.

Please put yourself first and take care of you. You are worth caring about. You matter.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much @darknessallaround i need to believe this I really do. Xx

[Forsaken03]

@nbumblebee, I hope that all the advice received here makes you feel less lonely, reminds you that it was never your fault and there is nothing silly about what you’re going through.
Sending you hugs and lots of love xx

[Anonymous]

How about walking away from the lot of them and stick with the supportive people you know, you said your mam would never forgive you if you didn’t go to it, how about turning it around and remembering how she disbelieved you about everything and blamshifted the entire situation, leaving everyone behind could be the best thing you could ever do for you? Also the fact your husband is going to enjoy your discomfort shows a sadistic even psychopathic streak, I left those in mine behind it shows evil I don’t want near me, maybe there’ll come a day you could do that too (I hope so) don’t allow self discomfort for other people anymore 💜🤗💜

[nbumblebee]

Gosh I had never thought of it this way.
As a parent I often think about how i wouldve coped in that sitauation but never ever would i have done what she did never. Saying that I have never blamed her at all not even thought too just always blamed myself. Whilst You really have given me something to think about here Thank you.
I still feel like I need to go, for her yes i guess so for me Yes I think so. Neither option will be easy either way I will have to deal with the fall out I wont win whatever I do theres just something telling ne no matter how painful this is and it really really is its telling me to go.
Thank you thpugh you really have made me think.
Big hugs xxxx

[Anonymous]

🤗🍀💖

[Author]

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