Am I letting *him* ruin my new relationship

[Yellowraincoat]

I feel like this forum does me a lot of good in being able to honestly let out how I feel without feeling like I’m over reacting or being stupid. It really does help me however I know I need to get support else where to overcome these feelings

I am in a new relationship since my abusive relationship and he is lovely. I just feel I’m ruining it by my emotional needs and emotions in general. Since my abusive relationship my emotions have been a bit rocky and i find myself getting upset over everything and anything. Any mood changes in my partner I feel like I’ve done something and that I need to fix it. Even if nothing has happened at all.

I don’t feel good enough or that this will last and he will find a new woman and I torture myself and play that scenario in my head over and over – it’s like I have to punish myself? I know that if I carry down this path of self destruction, I will push my partner away and he will inevitably leave which is something I don’t want.

I never was like this. I was a very emotionally stable (I have always been an emotional person and sensitive but I was always able to pull myself up from a dark moment) person and my previous relationships were healthy where I wasn’t insecure and never had this separation anxiety I get with my now partner. Previous relationships ended on good terms until I met my last relationship… he really wore me down and really made me feel like s**t. Everything was a negative. I wasn’t this or that or if I didn’t buy this then the day is ruined. He made me feel guilty when I didn’t want to have intercourse and when we did it was mainly about him and not us. He verbally and emotionally abused me and used me for money and a roof over his head. All my savings were spent on him. When I broke free from the relationship and felt so light but my god I was exhausted. I felt the exhaustion from 4 years of him. I know why my emotions are unstable. I’m very self aware of that but I feel like I can’t control them anymore and that they are creeping into this new relationship and the paranoia and insecurities are not great when I need constant reassurance everyday.

I tried talking space and did group sessions on self esteem but didn’t feel it was me. I kept pushing through but it then felt like a chore and got nowhere. I’m going to try again cause I feel like I need to let me guard down and be open to help.

Today I felt a bit mellow. I got up this morning ready for work. I had a few moments to spare once I was ready so I got back into bed with my partner who then cuddled up to me and wrapped his arms round me and I felt a sudden rush of love and warmth and got really upset but held it baxk (even now writing it I’m getting teary) and then messaged me on the way to work to say he loved me but then when those messages become shorter and not as “lovey” I automatically think “he’s in a mood and doesn’t want to talk to me” which is such a backward way of thinking? When logically I know he’s just responding and I know it’s his day off and he’s probably playing his games or snoozing but then I feel like I have to fix the non existent problem?!

Even though I’m out of the abuse I still feel like his has his grasp on me

[Lisa]

Hi Yellowraincoat,

Thank you for sharing with us, I hope it helped to talk about how you are feeling. It is natural to feel a range of emotions after experiencing abuse.

I wanted to share some information about Bloom with you, in case you feel it is something to explore. There are free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at https://bloom.chayn.co/. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Keep posting to us when you need to, there is support here for you.

Take care,

Lisa

[StrongLife]

I understand this. Totally understand. I have had no luck – similar issues to point I stay away from all men. This is difficult to know. It will improve in future.

[Pinkheart]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I am going through something very similar myself, and it’s absolutely exhausting!!
Have you tried speaking to your new partner about how you feel etc?

[Author]

Posts