Am I mad to divorce whilst still living together?

[Grateful]

Do I prewarn him that the divorce letter is in the post or do I wait for it to drop through the lettter box? There will be a letter about Anti-molestation orders etc too. which I’m thinking might just temper his reaction which he wouldn’t have if I told him beforehand.

I live with my husband and previously had a plan to get a job and move out before divorcing but now I cannot cope with the abuse anymore and am just going to divorce him and then sort out the rest when I can think clearly again

He has been abusive in most ways but not physically as yet, as he’s too intelligent to leave visible marks.

Since the rants often last an hour or more I usually remain silent as anything else fuels the fire and the abuse lasts even longer. Hence the fact that he doesn’t know what I’m doing and it will be such a total shock to him. He seems to think he’s unhappy and I should care more to sort it out for him.

The children have no idea either what I’m planning; I feel as if I’m tearin the family apart but actually I now realise he’s done that already.

Either way I am waiting for the explosion when he gets the letter later this week and it’s not a nice feeling.

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid. Abusers are at their most dangerous when we leave or try to leave. I tried to do it whilst still living with him and I was badly hurt. He was arrested and given bail to keep away from me. All you are doing in fore warning him to be more secretive about his behaviour. I recorded my last assault on my mobile phone. He had told me nobody would believe me if I reported his abuse. I was so traumatised and had absolutely minimised the danger I was in. Speak to a solicitor too. I’d try to have him removed from the family home first. By secretly recording him or calling the police the next time you feel threatened. He will use the children to control you too so if youre in the family home and they are secure there then that’s the best outcome. However, no matter how you look at it you are dealing with an unpredictable abuser so you don’t have to take my advice as women’s aid would probably tell you to leave without telling him. Never make the mistake of thinking he will be reasonable about this. Prepare for a huge dirty fight. That’s why it’s better to have no contact with him. If your solicitor has pre warned him about the non molestation orders I would say to get another solicitor. One that has lots of experience in dealing with domestic abuse. Ring the helpline on here for advice too X

[White Rose]

Dear grateful
Please think really carefully about having a plan in place for when he receives the news.
We are all told the abuse escalate when abusers get wind of threats such as us leaving. Mine never hit me but a couple of days after he realised I was leaving imminently he raised his hand to hit me across the face. I stood there looked him in the eye and said do that and I’m dialling 999. he didn’t do it but I was so glad to be gone from there soon after.
Please please ring womens aid for advice and they will advise you on a plan for you and children to be as safe as you can be.
It feels a very fragile situation to me and one that may increase your abuse and risk and possibly impact on your children.
Please be careful and make sure you are safe.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Same here, I was living with mine and the few days between me telling him it was over and him leaving were the worst by far.

Please please rethink your strategy here.

[Lightness]

I agree with the above. I instinctively knew I couldn’t have a discussion with him so I just left. It feels horrid to do this but believe me, he deserves nothing more from you. I’m so so pleased I just left. I only wish I had asked to have the police with me at the time, in case he came home early – fortunately he did not.

[Falling Skys]

Hi

I am still with my abuser till the house sales, we are now divorce. It needs to be done and I am now zero tolerance to abuse. Our silence gives them strength, its an awful position to be in get as much support and advice as you can.

Good luck xx

[Serenity]

I echo what the other ladies have said.

In an abuser, your non-compliance triggers an innate fury. They require you to be submissive, under their spell or unaware of their real motives. They need you to believe the mask.

When you stand up to them, they will try to make you submissive again through inducing fear in you, punishing you or making you feel guilty or obligated.

Divorcing an abuser is the ultimate insult. It rocks their ego to the core, and they can’t bear the sudden loss of power.

They will either start trying to destroy you covertly, or their anger will spill out in a way that is a very real threat to you.

I think you need to protect yourself. You need to leave when he isn’t around, and you need to start divorce proceedings when you are safely away from him.

I had to get my non-mol when I instigated divorce proceedings. Even though he had ‘left’, he was furious that I was taking my power back. He threatened all sorts. I cannot imagine him having lived with me in that state of fury. x

[Grateful]

Thank you so much ladies. I shall definately act on your advice. I suppose I was unrealistically expecting reasonable behaviour from my husband but you’ve all reminded how they are.

I had another reminder today when I had to endure a (detail removed by moderator) car journey with him today
when he demanded I pay some bills and as I don’t work, I refused and had a torrent of abuse thrown at me all the way home. I am reeling still.

THANKS again ladies for your great advice and support.

[lilaclady]

Definitely have a plan in place, thats key! Do you have somewhere you can go in case things get really bad? I honestly think the ladies here are right that you need to leave and then start the divorce proceedings once you are out.

I am in the process of leaving my husband. Currently he’s being quite calm about it all, begging me to stay. I am quietly getting on with finding somewhere to live and rent and then I am telling him I am done. I am fully aware that him being calm etc may not last and the abuse could start again so if things get rough I have a place I can go to straight away and will get out while he’s at work.

So try and work on a plan… is there anywhere you could go to now? A friends place? Or if you do stay just quietly get on with getting a plan in place to leave and then when you go then start those divorce proceedings. Follow your gut it you feel he is going to stop you leaving then leave when he isn’t around.

And get as much support as you can. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Give womens aid a ring they can help you with a plan.

Also I read a book that REALLY helped me work out how to leave etc. It’s by Lundy Bancroft and it’s called “Should I stay or should I go” it helped so much with ways to leave, how to approach it etc. Highly recommend.

x*x

Look after yourself x*x

[Author]

Posts