- This topic has 10 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
(detail removed by moderator) I ended my marriage. (detail removed by moderator) years together and I can write so many little and some bigger incidents and times when things were said or done. Cruel things said,made to feel useless and my reality spun into uncertainty.
When he asked why I was ending our marriage he seemed to forget how many times recently I said I couldn’t cope with how he was treating me. He made out the last incident was nothing, I had got it all wrong and this was the silly reason to end this, take his home and kids from him.
I have tried to remind myself why and that he is wrong. It’s either that or I’m mentally unbalanced.
Every relationship I have is like this from a child to adulthood. I don’t trust myself anymore and believe if I ever consider a relationship again it’ll most likely end up the same.
He wants to pursue counselling but I’m scared to go back with him to then find it happens again.
-
Please don’t go back. You can see by his response that he is already using the children. If anything, staying with an abuser all those years proves you have tried absolutely everything. I was over two decades and I remember thinking if it’s not working after trying all these years then it will never work. It’s time for you. Time to spend on your self esteem and confidence. Time to put yourself first and your happiness first but please be very careful they’re most dangerous at this time. When they lose control. Keep your chin up. I love being single. I build good relationships with my family and friends that I neglected when I was married as he would prevent me from going out. Keep moving forward. Try to limit contact. This will infuriate him but you need to for your own mental health x
-
Chocolatebunnie I’m in a similar situation my ex still doesn’t accept how damaging and toxic his behaviour was and tries to blame me for everything. I began to accept that I couldn’t change his behaviour and neither could he. The only way to protect myself physically and emotionally was to think of myself. He also threatened me with kids and house etc. It’s early days still and I am scared witless. But I have legal and emotional support which I pay for. Try to call women’s aid and get some support and advice. You will need it and most of all you deserve it. You deserve to be believed and helped. You will be feeling very vulnerable right now and it’s not easy doing it on your own x but you can do this and you have every right to be happy x*x
-
Don’t go to counselling with him. I went for it with my ex for years and years. He used what I said as a weapon against me. For him he was going round and round on like a mouse on a wheel.
I feel similar in that I fear I would just have the same relationship with someone else. How far is change possible? We say that abusers don’t change. I worry that I am not able to change enough to have a healthy relationship of my own.
-
Look up gaslighting. It is almost certainly the reason that you feel unhinged. I felt like that before I left, and for the short period I was still in touch with my abuser after I left. It’s a lot to get your head around that our partners or ex partners will tell outright lies about things that have happened, not because they remember things differently, but because they actively want you to question your sanity. My abuser kept telling me that I needed medical help to deal with my poor memory! I was remembering things fine, they just didn’t tally with what he told me had happened, making me feel like I had gone mad. Don’t go back to him. He’ll promise anything to get you back, but once you are hooked again the abuse will get worse.
-
-
Hi hun please don’t go back. I was reading a list somewhere about abusers and how they always always always see themselves as the victim…. When they have stabbed and murdered there wife or kids they believe absolutely they reacting to your abuse of them. Your abuse could be not making the right dinner or not fulfilling there unrealistic expectations. They genuinely genuinely genuinely believe They are reacting to some awful thing there partner has done.
The abuser then bends the truth to fit his belief he is a victim. He will make it your problem. I know it’s tough leaving but going back for some women is signing there own death warrant. They brainwash us into believing we are at fault until we believe them.
Wash your mind out of his filth. Go to womens aid. Call them. Get a support worker. One session with wa made me know I wa right to leave. You can do there course on line for a fiver. The freedom programme. Read Lundy bancroft why does he do that. Also remember in there eyes they are perfect so any problem in life or there relationship is your fault.
I left years ago and am engaged to my first love who.is kind and lovely. You can love again eve though I thought I never would trust again. Please go and reach out. Get support.
The lady who wrote the Harry potter books said when I was at rock bottom that was the foundation on which I build my new life
-
Just wanted to mention no or limited contact is essential. Every interaction for them is a chance to manipulate you and make you feel crazy do you go back and they can get back in control and abuse you fist.
My ex still years on goes around telling people he divorced me because I was mentally ill and all his abuse was in my imagination. Who cares what the colluded loony tune said.
I have a contact book now for kids and text is one line for emergencies. There is a big wide amazing world out there. You only have one lifex
-
Just wanting to thank you all for your kindness, really has helped me. I ended my marriage, things haven’t settled he is still coming to the house to see kids, which I support, I’m not sure how to limit contact as he’s staying at his mums close by, but with this he is between quizzing me, pleading and guilt tripping me. Also quizzing the eldest ones. He is insisting I don’t give up on him and counselling too. But I think it is right that things said will be thrown back at me later on so I have said no which has made things worse.
He just doesn’t understand that what he does is so bad. He trivialises everything and feels there’s a conspiracy against him. He’s discussing things infront if my little kids and my (Detail removed by Moderator)yr old now knows Dady isn’t living with us. I wanted to tell him in a kinder way. So now dealing with this too.
He brings with him an emotional vortex and again a text (Detail removed by Moderator) full of sadness and guilt tripping me, I still care for him and this is very painful but having your support has widened my eyes to what’s happening. I’m not sure how to limit contact and feeling very emotional right now xxxx
-
Could you arrange for contact to happen at his mother’s rather than in your house?
Abusers always trivialise their abuse. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they will never admit it. He’s toxic and you need to try and avoid engaging with anything he tells you. He will do anything to mess with your head and regain his previous control over you.
-
Just wanted to say that he absolutely does know and understand how bad his behaviour is because he doesn’t behave that way with anyone else or in front of witnesses. This realisation was a huge shock for me but trust me he know exactly what he is doing. He has never asked what he can do to make things easier for you and his children. He will gaslight, manipulate his children, use any tactic he needs to gain control. The only way for me was zero contact. This is why the women on here swear by court orders. Then everyone knows contact arrangements. Throw in a third party for emergencies and you need never see him again. Co parenting only works when both parents have the welfare of their children at heart. The fog will clear with each nasty episode. My ex told my son all sorts of nonsense before I got the chance to explain the truth. He would make up stuff and shout at me in front of our child. If I dared to correct him he would just repeat the same sentence. Getting angrier and angrier redder and redder. Children don’t need to see this. You cannot negotiate with an abuser. It doesn’t work that way x
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
