Am I nasty and unkind, or is it him?

[marmite3]

I’m new here, and feeling sad and confused. I’ve been married for (detail removed by moderator), and my husband used to be kind and chilled. Following serious illness in the last few years, he has regularly become verbally very nasty, calling me horrible, belittling names and shouting really loudly whenever he perceives me as criticising him. He says he is ill, and it is just words. He never apologises and says it is just a few words, but it preys on my mind. I can’t forgive him, but he says the problem is me. He says I am controlling and demanding, I wind him up and I don’t support him emotionally. I still love my husband but I can’t continue being yelled at and put down. I have asked him to get help, but he still doesn’t see his behaviour as a problem. I have an initial divorce meeting coming up. Should I go and get proceedings underway, or should I suggest we try couples counselling or mediation. I alternate from feeling jubilant at being free soon to being devastatingly sad. Views welcome.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi md welcome, I am sorry you fid yourself in this situation it can feel very confusing.

Illness doesn’t make people abusive, there’s a difference fro being fed up nd a bit snappy to actually insulting you, blaming you and heis minimising his words. He knows what he says to you and is twisting the reality to make you feel responsible.

I am married for similar length of time, yes go to a solicitor for advice, also contact your local womans aid for support (my local CAB were also really helpful when I was where you). I would strongly advise that you do not tell him any of what you are doing. Also, it is advised not to undergo couples counselling with abusive partners as they are so good at manipulation (including therapists, especially if that therapist isn’t DA trained).

Also, keep. A journal for yourself.

It is not you, this is his behaviours which he isn’t taking responsibility for and using you as a proverbial punch bag… that’s all on him, you do not cause him to behave like this… mine did exactly the same.. all my fault or anyone’s fault rather than him.

Keep posting ❤️

[marmite3]

Thanks so much for the reassurance, Hereforhelp. I guess I hoped he would see what he has been doing, and regret his actions, but instead, he is lying to family members and asking them not to contact me, and says things like ‘I’m sorry to say it but you have always thought too much of yourself’ and I ‘haven’t valued and respected him enough.’ I feel like I have failed in loving someone so underserving, who just wants to bring me down. I can’t change the past – and I think I stayed too long – but now the scales have fallen from my eyes, I can change my future. x

[Am I to blame]

I’m new here too. I’m so messed up. Everyone (social services, womens aid, solicitor etc) say he’s been using coercive control. I’m always wrong, always to blame. For my own mental health I had to move out 2 weeks ago,leaving my (detail removed by moderator) daughter. She’s been completely manipulated by him and his lies. I’ve tried to talk to him but all I get is aggression back. He just shouts and only wants to talk about money. My girl is suffering and I feel I need to put up with his behaviour to help her stay well. Now he won’t pay his half of the mortgage. I just want to ask the house and move on but he must wants to argue. I’m just exhausted and worried so much about my girl. Any advice appreciated 🙏

[Author]

Posts