Am I now the abuser?

[Catjam]

Reading a book on gaslighting. It has shaken me so badly. Am I now the abuser? I have started to keep all my information as much online as I can, bank statements etc as he was opening my post. Withdrawal of affection because I really don’t want to be intimate with him.
I am keeping secrets and with holding which is just what an abuser does. I know how I feel about this treatment so aren’t I just as bad? I am so confused and feel sick.

[PuDdleJam]

No you’re not as bad. It’s called trying to survive the best you can. I do the same as it’s the only way I make myself feel safe.

Never put yourself in the same category hun.

Much love x*x

[Eggshells]

There is a world of difference between protecting yourself and using those strategies to abuse.

Gaslighting is about deliberately misleading someone to cause confusion and make them think they are going mad.

It sounds to me as though you are just trying to keep yourself safe. xx

[Catjam]

Thank you. The book has been an eye opener. I appreciate your support xx

[Sunshineee]

Not at all you’re doing those things to protect yourself you’re not doing it to hurt others so never think you’re an abuser you’re not x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and no you’re not the abuser, the very fact you’re asking that question says so. An abuser takes no responsibility for their actions will blame everything and everyone bar themselves.
Keep reading. We all question ourselves,look fir logical reasons why he treated us badly. Simply put, it’s about power and control. Probably fear of being abandoned too,imo. But it’s that very fear that drives us away isn’t it.
Look up the cycle of abuse and the FOG of abuse. Look up trauma bonding. By the time you’ve read up on this you’ll know a whole different vocabulary and be very educated on it.
I struggled for ages that I was projecting what I was reading onto him. Wanted to believe so badly that he wasn’t the person these books seemed to know so well. But he was and still is. Just hides it fir now behind his poor me mask, his faux concern which validates his stalker like behaviour just now.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Guitarstring]

Hi,
I completely understand your situation. I have been reading lots of stuff lately and doing a lot of soul searching. I have looked back on our relationship and realised i have been fighting him since the beginning. I had been holding on to all the amazing times we had and how he made me feel… until he repeatedly told me, for months, that our relationship was s**t since the beginning. It wasn’t all ****, but it wasn’t what i remembered either. Some of the things i have said and done I’m gutted i lowered myself to that. I had always been independent and the organiser, if you like, and wonder if my partner has just met his match.
Its all very confusing, i know, but keep posting. Its been an amazing support and helped me unravel some of the knots i feel I’m in.

Take care! Xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Catjam, this is a question I have asked myself a lot, coincidentally during the past (detail removed by moderator) when my partner’s abusive behaviour has really stepped up a gear, particularly since we moved in together.

It saddens me to feel like we have come to this, as pointed out above though, the fact we are questioning this shows we are NOT abusive as an abuser will never consider they are one. There is something I have been reading about, I think the term is ‘reactive abuse’, which I have been guilty of on 2 occasions in the past (detail removed by moderator) or so – basically, when we are pushed so hard and made to feel crazy we lash out in ways completely alien to our normal, rational ways. They stand out in my mind as it was like I changed into a different person – I wasn’t violent or anything, just said some super nasty things which I then immediately regretted and could not stop apologising for for days after. Of course, these apologies fell on deaf ears and he treated me like absolute s*** and despite me trying to explain how and why I had ended up saying these horrible things (cause he had been treating me so badly) he just wouldn’t listen. I honestly look back at the incidents now and think he took a morbid pleasure in them and he still mentions them now and again to illustrate how “horrible” I can be. No regard for his own behaviour though and, as I say, if I bring that up it is denied, I am gaslighted etc etc.

In relation to your reasons for feeling like you could be abusive, you are definitely just keeping yourself safe and what could EVER be wrong with that? I am so proud that you are able to do these things, I am not at that stage yet, but the more inspirational things I read about on here give me courage and hope that I will get there one day.

Big hug x x

[Catjam]

Thank you all for your replies. I will look up reactive abuse.
Nothing changes, promises are made but I guess I have just moved past the point of believing them. I used to be so relieved when he was back to loving me but now I know it’s all fake. The only person he loves is himself.
Thank you all for being here x*x

[starqueen]

This has been mentioned already but I want to reiterate it that it’s the intention that matters here I think. You’re trying to protect yourself which is very different to controlling and abusing someone. I’ve asked myself this question in my relationship with my dad because when I was visiting him and it was just me and him I used to try to do things to distract myself, didn’t really talk to him much unless I had to and didn’t really show that much affection. Now some people might say that was mean or cold or even abusive on my part. However I was always doing it because when we did talk about things there was the possibility of an argument or him wanting me to do something that I didn’t want to do. So I limited my interaction with him. I didn’t show that much affection because why would I open up to and trust or share that with someone who was hurting me? So it was about self-preservation and protecting myself. So although I’ve questioned whether I was abusive too I have to say I wasn’t. There were times when I was a teenager that I would say yes I was quite nasty and unpleasant to him and I actually wish I hadn’t been, but I also think teenagers deserve a degree of latitude and he was s pretty nasty adult sometimes so it wasn’t all me even then!

Trying to protect yourself absolutely does not make you abusive. As has already been said too the fact that you’re soul searching and asking these questions demonstrates that you’re willing and able to reflect on your own behaviour and take responsibility. That isn’t something an abuser would do at all. Just make sure you set an appropriate boundary with yourself. It’s healthy and good to take responsibility for things we’ve done wrong, but it’s too far when we take responsibility for things that aren’t our fault. In my experience that can be a tactic abusers use, pushing responsibility onto us for things we haven’t done wrong.

[Catjam]

Thank you xx

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