Am I out of my mind to reconsider cause of his pressure

[searchingforhope]

He’s gone for now from the house with a few months, I had somewhere to go to but when he realised I was serious and actually going and taking the kids he did leave. But I’ve got no space from him. Constant pushing or abuse or nagging and wearing me down. He is trying to convince me he loves me and to try again. He is wearing me down. I feel I’m going to cave.
He set an ultimatum message to meet him where we first kissed. Sounds bizarre and a bit like mind game to be honest was my first impression. I’m not even sure if I know the right place either. If I show up I show up and obviously another d**n conversation, if I don’t I’m afraid he will turn nasty. Threaten me over kids and house or coming back to the house.
I’m so close to caving in some shape or form. I think I would prefer him to stay out of my life. He hasn’t been as nasty in the messages as I’ve called him out on that. But he still accuses of me of not being normal person as I’m not thinking the way he thinks. Or that something he thinks is simple that I can’t see it and he most spell everything out to me.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. How am I going to move forward? Why can’t I put myself first. Why must I consider him and the past we have had together. I was strong to a point of thinking what I wanted for my future, but all his twisting of words and playing the victim is wearing me down bit by bit.

I don’t know does it even make sense what I’m saying because I’m tryin not to give details.

But this is hard, I’ve come so far but I really don’t know have I the strength to keep pushing forward, but I’m afraid of the alternative if I go backwards. The things he’s done that I have issue with the people I’ve told who have supported me, what a waste of their time and support if I cave. How weak is that to consider going back, this is so hard, I’m worn down from it all.

Thanks for your time. Hope you are all doing as best as you can be. x*x

[Bananaboat]

Oh bless you. What advice would you be giving one of your kids in this situation?

Being afraid wouldn’t make a good reason to return. He’ll be unhappy either way, so do what makes you & the kids happy. x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks for replying. I guess I’d be saying do what makes them happy would be the answer to your question.

It would hurt me so much if they were in the mess I’m in. I’m terrified of showing them a bad example of what a relationship should be. It’s like there is a million voices in my head and I can’t think clearly.

My counsellor asked once if I had a magic wand what would I do. My answer is the same, at least I think it is. He’s wearing me down that I should fight for our past and what we built together. But alot of that for a good few years now, before emotional abuse ever came into my realisation, was that I’m stuck here now, this is it. Just getting on with my life best I could, I guess covid gave me a wake up call and I realised life is too short.

I got so worried last year that all this stress would make me sick that I had to do something. But now it’s like I’ve lost my drive my strength and he’s picking away at me all the time.

I’m thinking do I agree to meet him a few times and see how it feels, so if anything changes, I really don’t want me back in the house let alone the same bed.

Oh this is such a mess, why can’t I just do it. Why do I shut down and can’t respond when he starts talking and telling me how things are or how they should be. It’s like I can’t function at all

Meant to be meeting him this evening. Need to remember to breathe and keep calm. Oh God I don’t know where this is leading me at all

[Bananaboat]

You don’t want him back in the house or in your bed so I’m wondering if it’s the guilt & obligation to him driving you backwards, look into FOG. Remember the nice side isn’t real, he chooses to abuse you and the nice side is to hook you in. If you meet him he’ll see it as a way in, cue charm and the dream version of him, once back in and feeling secure, the bad times will return. Trying to decide is so so hard so I hope you find some peace whichever way you decide x*x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks @bananaboat

Theres huge guilt and obligation, its horrible

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, he is manipulating you, bullying you and trying to control you. It is so very very exhausting where you are and I remember feeling that it would never ever feel any easier as I was too exhausted to even think let alone find the strength to stop contact… what I found helped (your situation sounds so similar to my mine Searchingforhope)…

I started to read up and introduce Grey Rock method (making your responses sound disinterested, unaffected by your husband.).

When I felt I would cave I would think of the 1st time he was abusive, the worst time and the last time. I then imaged how this Christmas would be if I went back.

The abuse will escalate if you go back Searchingforhope, he will blame you as you were the one who wanted to separate, he will use it to his advantage and to coerce, manipulate you, they always do.

Can you write down the reasons you do not want him in your life? Have you got any support or help on how to move forward? You need support lovely, you are stronger than you realise, think of all that you have survived… all that you are still going through…. I am so sorry and sad for you that your husband is continuing to push (mine did the same and it was so hard for me to start putting boundaries in place but I had to as he was impacting our children as well by that point).
Take each day hour by hour as what you are dealing with is emotionally exhausting and can feel soul destroying. Is there anyway that you can not see him for a while? I say that as he isn’t going to stop, he will continue this until he gets what he wants or you break. It will not matter to him as he blames you anyhow. No one on here would judge you if you decide to go back, it took me 3 attempts and the average is 7 attempts.
Have you had any legal advice?
Sending love and strength ❤️

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

[searchingforhope]

I have had legal advice, but until I want to get divorced or can say I’m completely finishing the marriage there is no more she can do. there is no one anyone can do until I can do that. I don’t know what is stopping me. thinking of the earlier post, it makes sense that it is FOG. Feels so overwhelming, like you say, that it will never improve from this.
I really feel I will never be enough at all. I genuinely did my best for him with the best intentions, but according to him it wasn’t the support he needed. Because It’s all emotional, bar one assault (which he utterly denies) its so hard to pinpoint, if that makes sense, I doubt myself, question my reality. Did I take everything up wrong? I really don’t think I did but there is such huge doubt there. It’s such a minefield. I will meet him tonight, I’m afraid I’ll give in, I wonder if maybe I should try again. It’s not for the kids anymore, they are coping ok, they were my biggest fear all along but now giving in would be to satisfy him and give into him and fear of him turning nasty on me.

I’ll do my best, try my best, I don’t ever put me first, I need to try do that more

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