Am I over reacting?

[Woodys]

ight place. Today I disclosed to a moderator and solicitor that I feel I have been emotionally controlled by my husband, who I separated from in (month removed by moderator). Realising this is what has been happening was really hard…..accepting it has been really hard….we have children and now trying to move forward…, but struggling with contact… He wants them more than I think is right and has threatened to take it to court if I don’t let him…..it’s been emotionally draining and I have felt embarrassed, sad, guilty etc.. Feel the need for a touch of support to keep going.

[KIP.]

Hi there. It’s sad and shocking to realise the person you loved was abusing you. It will get better with time. Please ring the helpline and get in touch with your local women’s aid. All these abusers will use the children for control. Don’t let him bully you. A court order is needed otherwise he will carry on with his abuse. Stay strong. You’re doing the right thing for you and your children ❤️

[Woodys]

I wasn’t sure if I was over reacting…when I reflect back on the relationship…it’s always been there, but so descretly, I am out now and can see how isolated I had become and how I wasn’t me any more. I wasn’t sure it was bad enough to call the help line…they must be so busy. I need to find ways to stop this control now as its for my children.

[Hannah]

Hello everybody. I haven’t been brave enough to ring the helpline yet. But I think I’m in a controlling relationship. Sometimes I think it must be me. I’m very embarrassed – thing like this doesn’t happen to people like me. I hope that doesn’t sound rude to anyone. I still love him in my own way and I know he has a tough time with his responsibilities and is definitely depressed but he just won’t face it. I’m beginning to realise that it’s up to him to get help before he loses what we had. I moved in with him (detail removed by Moderator) and have no friends here really. I do go back home quite often but I know he doesn’t like it. My best friend also moved away (detail removed by Moderator) too. My lifelong friend is still over there and I do talk to her a little but im just turning into a moaning person.

[NotCrazy]

Hi Woodys and Hannah 🙂
I just wanted to say, it took me over 3 years to pluck up the courage to phone the helpline, I am in a solely emotionally abusive, controlling relationship, not physical.
When I rang they didnt make me feel that things were ‘not bad enough’ at all, they listened and signposted me to my local domestic abuse service. It was really useful and they validated my experience.
So please don’t feel that things are ‘not bad enough’. They are there to provide emotional as well as practical support.
Hannah I can totally relate to the ‘it must be me’ feeling. The helpline can help you to work things out but there is a cycle of abuse and sometimes abusers can be loving and confuse us! Being isolated as you and I are doesn’t help either as you have no-one to talk things through with.
Woodys, womens aid and your local domestic abuse service can help you to move on from the relationship and build your self confidence back up. They run programmes such as the Freedom programme which is for women in abusive relationships as well as those that have recently ended. It just helps to make sense of it all.

[Woodys]

Well done for posting on here Hannah. I am going to call the help line this week. I stayed in my controlling marriage for (detail removed by Moderator) before I realised it wasn’t right or healthy, it’s good to be out but really struggling to understand why, how it’s happened and how to move forward. Children together also makes it more complicated. Good luck sweetie……keep talking about how your feeling and what’s happening…..it helps to make sense.

[Lilycat]

Hi Folks,

Well done for moving forward.

I escaped an abusive situation, by leaving my home and, with it, my husband and his adult child. At the time, in my head, it was only my stepchild who was abusing me as their actions had been overtly manipulative, threatening and aggressive. So I continued to see my husband for (detail removed by Moderator), thinking he was an ‘okay guy’. In this time he got to know where my temporary accomodation was and where the apartment I now live in is located. He walked with me too and from work repeatedly and we met in the new cafes I discovered whilst I was starting afresh.

It took my boss to question where my husband was throughout all the abuse I suffered when I was living with the both of them, to get me thinking. Then I unpicked comments that I had been ‘groomed’ to believe were normal- being told off for going to bed early, being scolded for making a fuss when my stepchild was abusive towards me and being inadvertently accused of hiding a (detail removed by Moderator) when I found out that money was missing from the box we had hidden containing the (detail removed by Moderator). And so this chap was still in my life and, sure enough, along came the stalking, and the coincidental texts, and ‘I still own you’ kind of messages. He’d mapped my likely whereabouts from our walks and cafe visits and he now knew where I hung out and when.

It took a while for me to accept my husband was and is a truly bad apple. For ages I thought ‘how could I have been so stupid?’ Some (ex)friends quite tactlesslessly asked: ‘for such an intelligent woman, how did you make that mistake?’… Well, I am not stupid and nor are you. These abusive manipulators are very clever and stoop to moral lows that you would never think of stooping to yourself. We get caught out because these people have a smooth facade. It made me laugh the other day that my stepchild had been nominated for a (detail removed by Moderator) award (like father like child)!… Yes, these folks are sly, but we’ve all done the right thing and questioned their behaviour, which signals the beginning of our freedom from them.

Sending warmest wishes and hugs

Lilycat xx

[Woodys]

Weird how your emotions do things to block stuff out….I have just remembered when I was in (detail removed by Moderator) several years ago, he hit me round the face for not being able to reach down and turn of the stop c**k tap in the ground, which he couldn’t do either. It’s the only time he hit me, but he still did….how could I have not remembered about this til now. Why didn’t it concern me….why has it come back to my memory no Way?

[runner]

Let him take you to court. He could use this as a threat the chances are that he will not win but. However if you want the right thing done you sill have to just let him take you to court he is still maninpulating you with this threat. Have hou ever done the freedom programme? The court will look out for the best intrest of the children not him. You just need go protect yourself as he will be using manipulation tacktics to get in your life.

[Woodys]

I called…..I am getting help, it’s scary and a relief all at once.

[White Rose]

Good!
It is scary but don’t be scared you’ll get support and you will be fine
I just read rest of this thread and came actoss your memory of being hit for not being able to reach a tap.I had same thing and more -always yelled at for not being able to do things even if that was because I was physically too short bit quite ofen i got blamed for thibgs he couldn’t do either. Bonkers!
Good luck and keep strong x*x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Well done Woodys, the first step to freedom and you’ve done it!

Stay strong hun, we’re all rooting for you!

[Author]

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