22nd July 2019 at 10:09 pm #83935Zebadee123Participant
Hi I’m new on here and this is my first post. I guess I’ll start with a little bit of background.
As a child I was emotionally abused by my dad(the one man in the world who is meant to love you unconditionally) and I feel this is having an effect on how I see problems in my current relationship and making me over react.
However my mum, friends, and therapist are all saying they are worried about me. From the beginning my partner has always hated me going out my friends (particularly male friends) and claims this was down to his ex cheating on him in the past (I recently found out this was a lie and it was him that cheated on her). He’s always really needy and needs me to reply fast or else he gets worried and says things like “don’t forget me” and “promise you love me”. He’s never been violent towards me but has violent out bursts like angrily smashing glasses when he saw me laughing with a male friend or throwing things around when I upset him. He’s really struggling with depression at the moment and I’m blaming that for the fact that his behaviour and lies have got worse.
I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to leave him before but it hurt so much that I ended up wanting to go back to him. He then tried to commit suicide and we sort of got back together by default. He can never admit he’s in the wrong and refuses to talk problems through like adults, instead he just shuts down.
Am I at risk of being in an abusive relationship or is this something we can work through?
Thank you so much in advance for any advice and support.
23rd July 2019 at 12:07 am #83946BeautyMarkedParticipant
Hi Zebadee, I’m glad you have posted. You are not overreacting at all.
I can see why people are worried and it’s good that you have them looking out for you. Hold these people close to you as they have your best interests at heart by the sounds of it.
This man sounds like he triangulated you – an absolutely hideous thing to do. He also shouldn’t be putting that kind of pressure on you. I’m sure you do your best to be there for him and reply and help allay his fears. He may not have been physically violent but verbal attacks and smashing/throwing things is still violence and intimidates you and makes you feel threatened and scared. If it’s not been a one off then this is a pattern and it’s a problem. It’s terrible that he is suffering so badly with depression, that really is awful for him and often we feel so full of compassion to be there and help. I expect you’ve known about his struggle with with and do what you can to support him. Depression may be an explanation for some of the behaviours and we can work with some of these, but it sounds like it’s gone beyond that to be honest. Other people struggle with depression, anxiety etc but don’t do these things so we can’t excuse it. The fact that he cannot accept responsibility for things or talk in the way that you would expect are huge red flags in my experience. These things should be non-negotiables as they only lead to great pain and suffering for us. It’s not healthy to just shut down. It’s punishing for us as well as for them.
You are not at risk of being in an abusive relationship, I would suggest that you ARE already in an abusive relationship. It’s often hard to accept or recognise for ourselves for so many reasons. The fact that you left and went back is another sign. In your head you have questions but your heart is attached and it’s hard to break away from this. It’s not an easy path that we walk.
I can’t call myself an expert on any of this and can only go on my experience and what I have learned from the lovely ladies on this board as well as in my own research. Loving relationships should not cause this kind of pain and hardship. They should not be one-way. These things have a tendency to escalate and get worse, leading to more pain and eventually to danger. If you can, please leave. It hurts but do it for yourself. No one wants to see you more hurt because we’ve been there and know what it’s like. No one should have to feel this way.
23rd July 2019 at 12:09 pm #83972AlwaysSorryParticipant
Hi Z and welcome to the forum, it’s good to see you posting x
These are all abusive behaviours from your partner. I’m saddened to read what you had to go through as a child but I’m glad that your family and friends can see this is going downhill for you and are showing care towards you now. He’s very controlling by the sounds of it and even if these things he smashes and throws doesn’t hit you, it’s indeed to intimidate you and is a display of violence even if “only” against inanimate objects. I wonder – do the things he breaks belong to you? My ex would 9 times out of 10 choose an item belonging to me to break rather than anything of his own. If it was something my mother had gotten me, that would usually be the first item he’d pick up and break apart.
Many people suffer from depression, it doesn’t excuse this kind of behaviour though. I’ve had a depression in the past (maybe I have one now, I am not sure) but that didn’t make me forbid people from going out or break things when I got upset. It didn’t make me lie more either. If we entertain the idea that his depression is the cause of his abusive behaviour though, what is he doing to get better? Is he regularly in contact with GP, therapist? Taking medication? If it’s not showing any progress, are there plans in place for what else might be tried? Increase of medication? Switch medications? More extensive therapy? Admission to a psychiatric hospital? When I had a depression, I wanted to heal it and did everything my GP told me to. Only a few months later I showed no signs of depression. Not all depressions can be treated that quickly but it’s also how much effort the patient puts in to it and their willingness to try and get better. I know this from my emotionally abusive father who blamed everything on his depression. My father never ever bothered to show up to a single therapist session and would rather continue his abuse all the while excusing it with his depression for which he refused treatment. It played out perfectly in his mind so why change?
If he can’t see he is in the wrong and if he can’t have a constructive chat with you about the relationship and what needs to change and how he needs to make admissions and apologies for transgressions, then how would you work through this? I think you know the answer is you can’t. Abusive men – whether they suffer from depression or not – cannot be reasoned with, it’s their way and their way only.
I think you should try and call WA too if you can, it’s good you have a support network who can see what is happening to you, but WA are so very good at validating our experiences and settling the feelings of doubt we may have. If you want to explore leaving him, they can help talk you through that too. You won’t be pressured to leave, it’s just so you know that even when you think there is no way out, there is.
Keep posting on here as well x
23rd July 2019 at 1:51 pm #83976Zebadee123Participant
Thank you so much for your responses! I can’t believe how good it feels to get it all out there and have people there to support me. He is currently undergoing psychological therapy (as am I as I also struggle with depression) but I’m not sure how much effort he is actually putting in. For me the hardest part is the constant lying (he tells everyone a different story but is adamant all of them are true). He is also terrible with money and I always have to bail him out. At first I didn’t mind but I’ve now found out he is spending £100’s on gambling.
My therapist has mentioned raising an Adult Safeguarding concern which again seems like a huge over-reaction and really scary. What would this mean? Has anyone else been through it? Would it effect him seeing his daughter or his job?
I guess in a way I am quite lucky in the fact that we haven’t had any children together yet but he does have a young daughter from a previous relationship who I absolutely adore and leaving would mean I would never see her again. How have people dealt with the children thing in the past?
Thanks so much again!
27th July 2019 at 3:50 am #84404CamelParticipant
I had to look up Adult Safeguarding. Forgive me if I’m wrong but it seems to me that your therapist thinks you are vulnerable and she has concerns for your safety and well being.
If this is the case then you need to trust her judgement. It sounds like it’s having a bunch of trained people looking out for you, helping you to make choices and take control.
You don’t need to worry about the effect of Adult Safeguarding on your partner. Only his behaviour will affect his job, visitation with his child or anything else you might be thinking about. Safeguarding is only about protecting you.
It sounds like you have a lot of people all telling you the same thing – that they are worried about you and your relationship with this man. These people care about you very much so keep them close and don’t keep secrets from them. x
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