Am I overreacting?

[Apples. Apples]

Hi all,

I’ve been in a strange relationship for a while now and I don’t know what to think about it. I don’t know if I’m overreacting here or not. And maybe there’s something wrong with me.

He calls me names like b***h, s**t or fattie pretty much every day, on top of that he pushes me around, kicks and hits but he says its just a joke and I’m too sensitive. The hits are not very hard, he could hurt me much more if he wanted to but he is a big guy and it does hurt. But when I ask him to stop he gets angry and says I’m acting like battered wife.

Usually there’s a big argument at least once a week. (detail removed by Moderator) it started with a (detail removed by Moderator). I got up made coffee and breakfast and brought to bed for him like I do every day. (detail removed by Moderator) Since then he was in a funny mood with me, he turned his back to me and was watching something on his phone. After about (detail removed by Moderator) he turned around and started asking me what’s wrong I of course said nothing because I didn’t have a problem but he wouldn’t stop asking. It’s always like this and after about 10 mins of him asking ” what’s wrong ” I do get a little bit frustrated because there was honestly nothing wrong. If I just say nothing he starts to push me around kick me or pull me by my clothes and if I ask him to stop he says its just a joke and I’m overreacting or acting like battered wife. He is very strong and it does hurt even if it is just a joke. He gets angry at me if I tell him to stop and then on top of the pushing and pulling he starts calling me names. He says I’m a f*****g b***h who is always miserable and he is sick of me. He calls me a s**t etc and recently started bringing my family into it and saying they’re all s**m and I’m just the same.
Usually after he asks me if I want to move out. I did say yes a couple of times but it turned into a huge war and he was threatening to kill me or my family or even my pets. He was saying he knew I didn’t want to be with him but because I’m a ‘p***y’ I didn’t say anything so now I will pay for it. After that I have learned to say no and that I do want to be with him. I say that because I am scared he might actually hurt my family if I try to move out.

Recently he started saying he wants to break up and usually gives me (detail removed by Moderator) to move out to which I just say OK. About 30 minutes later he says that actually he won’t be horrible to me and will give me about (detail removed by Moderator) to find a place to rent and he will drive me there with my things. Another 30 minutes later he asks if I will stay with him and if I want to give it a last chance.

I don’t know what to do, because I know he had a tough upbringing and it makes me feel bad for him and I think maybe that’s the reason for his behaviour. Also his parents are quite rude to each other and maybe it’s just normal in their family.
He never punched me or hurt me really bad and I don’t know if I should be scared or is it just all talk because he doesn’t know how to talk about his emotions etc.

[Headspinning]

Would say this sounds very abusive. If this is how your daughter, sister or best friend was describing a relationship
What advice would you give them?
He sounds like a dominant bully and I don’t see any positives – where is the upside? And even if there was an upside, that doesn’t excuse the pushing, hitting, kicking, name calling, telling you to move out.
For me, this is abuse and it will only get worse through time. I’d say get out now. Call his bluff and just go. Even go when he is out at work to save any drama.
Does he have a track record in other relationships? Have you thought of asking the police for disclosure under Clare’s law?
This sounds toxic and I’d encourage you to get out quickly

[Scapegoat]

No you’re not over reacting! I think you’re doing really well to hold it together and not say anything or react.
The fact that he’s ‘punishing’ you for something petty or trivial say it all. Think how you would feel if someone else had just written what you had. Would you think it was normal relationship behaviour and that they were over reacting? Doubtful.
I’m sorry I can’t offer you any advice as in exactly the same position as you but now I’m constantly told it’s all my fault, I’m a spoilt little b**** etc and that I need to come clean about cheating on him ( I’ve never been out without him other than to work- which is a favourite accusation of his) When I get to the point where I can’t take anymore, he says he’ll give me one last chance!!! I really don’t want him to. I’ve told him I can’t ever forgive him, I don’t want to be with him, we need to split up. All he does is threaten to destroy me, punch other people, lose me my job so I end up staying. Need to get over that hurdle of either finding somewhere else to live or contacting a solicitor but I’m too scared.

Is there anyone you could confide in? What about family? I went on live chat with WA who gave me details of local WA, who I managed to email and they sent me a load of forms which I was too scared to fill in. I really feel for you, you don’t deserve this, it’s not a life just an existence.

Keep posting and take care 💕

[fizzylem]

This is coercive control; threatening you, your family and pets if you leave, leaves you feeling fearful doesn’t it – that’s the intention, because you are easier to control when you are scared. He is also trying to start a fight isn’t he by asking you what’s wrong; this is a projection of his feeling, he knows he is behaving wrong but puts this onto you, it comes out as whats wrong with you doesn’t it. He knows he wouldn’t tolerate his behvaiour from a partner and is checking up on whether you see it as him or you. Interestingly, when you do try to speak he turns it into this is an all you problem doesn’t he. He’s really trying to mess with your head.

He sounds overbearing, controlling and dangerous. Please call 101 and dicuss what is happening, you absolutely do not need to report, but it would help you to talk to a police officer for advice, find out if this is coercive control? What could be done? If it is worth speaking to someone face to face (must be a police officer trained in DA though if you ever do this), it would also be good to have a log of the call; they will not do anything unless you agree, there will be no pressure whatsover, it really would be an informal chat to begin, so that you could glean some info and get what is happening recorded – you might need this later, and if not, doesn’t matter does it, it just sits there. If you don’t feel able to do this you could call Victim Support, this is totally anonymous and not recorded, but support and advice is given.

I called eventually, after a very long time of enduring DA, my only regret now is that I didn’t call them sooner.

The line in your post that struck me the most was that you get up every morning and make him coffee and breakfast – if someone did this for me I would only feel pure love and appreciation, of course I also wouldn’t be able to let this happen every day, I’d need to make sure I took care of my partner in this way too sometimes as well – making it fair and equal. You do this act of love every day, and what do you get? x

[gettingtired]

Hi, what you’ve described is shocking abuse. I thought the same about my partner because he has an extremely manipulative Mother but there are plenty of men out there who were abused by their their families and they’re not abusive in relationships. I know it’s very hard to apply that to your own situation though as you just end up feeling so sorry for them. Please get in touch with Womens aid or call the National abuse helpline for a chat. I know it’s scary but they are so lovely. Once you know it’s abuse you can start getting things straight in your head and begin to make a plan to leave. You deserve so much more than this xx

[Camel]

Hi Apples

I hope you’re OK. As the other ladies have said, you are not overreacting. Your partner is abusing you. You ask if you should be scared which sounds very much like you ARE scared. You shouldn’t ever be made to feel afraid.

No one is allowed to push, pull, hit, slap, punch, hold you down. Even if he says it’s just a joke. Even if you say it could be worse. It’s physical abuse and against the law.

Calling you names, putting you down, belittling you – this is verbal abuse and against the law.

No one is allowed to threaten to kill or harm you, other people or pets. This is coercive, controlling abuse and against the law.

It doesn’t matter what kind of family your partner has. It doesn’t matter that he’s not good at talking about feelings.

What really matters is YOU. I think you are lonely, isolated and scared. I hope you will be brave and contact WA for someone to talk to.

[Apples. Apples]

Thanks to everyone for getting back to me.. I wasn’t here for a while as I was scared to even even think about reading your responses.

I know everything you said is true and I know deep down that what my partner does is unacceptable but its very hard to leave.. I’m scared that if I do something bad will happen.

I’m going to get some advice.. Maybe I’ll tell my mum (even though it very embarrassing) but I know she would help me.

Thanks again for your messages x

[Anonymous]

Please tell your mum. The first step is always the hardest. Your situation sounds pretty desperate. My life was like yours once too. I have been free a while now and I wish I’d done it sooner, but I was scared and embarrassed. Speak to Women’s Aid and think about talking to the police. Keep in touch. I couldn’t have done it without this forum. This was my lifeline.

[Author]

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