Am I overreacting?

[strix]

Hi

I have a problem that has been eating at me for months now. I can’t really share with friends as me and my ex husband have mutual friends and I feel bad about ‘badmouthing’. My closest friend lives in a different country and I can’t bring myself to discussing this over the phone.

Basically, I had been a victim of gaslighting and emotional abuse for years. I have Asperger’s and I’m ‘quirky’ so my expectations are low- I don’t expect a ‘normal’ man to put up with me, for example I need (detail removed by moderator) and I don’t want kids- these two alone rule out most men as partners.

So I was with a guy who was kind of cold and distanced but was OK with these. We got married. Then he did something stupid and we divorced. Then he promised he had changed, was (detail removed by moderator) for a while and I stupidly gave in. We remarried.

Things slowly deteriorated over time. He was acting hostile towards me but every time I asked whether something was wrong, I was told that everything was fine and that I shouldn’t compare us to other couples. So I stupidly carried on, grateful someone wanted me. I never felt loved, he detested whenever I was vulnerable (e.g. problems at work etc). I never got love and affection like I saw other couples do it but he keeps saying I was wrong to compare and that everything was fine.

I had been a victim of (detail removed by moderator) and all he did was (detail removed by moderator) when I told him how bad it made me feel.

I finally had had enough and told him he needed to go to therapy or he had to move out (the house was in my name as he didn’t want a mortgage with me). He went. I suspect now he did it because he had a great living arrangement with me (own room in a nice house for not a lot of money with me doing all the chores).

Soon after the therapy started he started acting really lovely. I thought the therapy was working. I gave in and we had sex. We never used to have sex before, because I always had to ask for it and finally I didn’t want to ask anymore.

Then after about a week of this new behaviour he started acting hostile again. He finally said he was only pretending to love me to see if he had felt anything and that his therapist said he shouldn’t be in a relationship. He wanted to end it.

I was shell shocked but after months the feeling of being used is coming back. We divorced on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

I keep feeling used because of the sex. I would have never consented knowing he wasn’t feeling anything and was just checking his reactions. It makes me feel somewhat dirty, I’ve been crying a lot and can’t really come to terms with any of it.

And the fact I have Asperger’s isn’t helping because I know most people don’t feel like I feel so I’m also thinking whether I’m exaggerating.

Thanks in advance for your responses.

[strix]

Also I should add that apart from gaslighting, there was an element of putting me down. Nothing I ever did was good enough, I never heard a single compliment. Whenever I did something nice, like cooked something, he had to take over and do it better. Like he couldn’t even admit he liked what I cooked, he had to cook something the following day and it had to be better. A silly example but you know what I mean.

[Anonymous]

@Strix, hi, you’ve every right to be loved and cared for by someone (care for you 1st though) this telling you not to compare yourselves to other couples was just his way of conditioning you to accept way less than you should (he knew he wasn’t treating you as you deserved to be)nothing is ever gonna be good enough for abusers they want us to try harder and harder all the time while we keep giving and they just keep taking in an off balance “relationship ???” you are entitled to a relationship Aspergers or no Aspergers, not all men want kids (some already have them shared parentage or some have older ones that’ve left home) I understand the gaslighting thing (it’s happened to a lot of us on here) I also have trouble with understanding people’s motives and take things people say literally (which has got me manipulated by predators in the past) now I try to trust my feelings and instincts instead (so I won’t get taken advantage of) also don’t let other peoples behaviour towards you dictate how you should feel about yourself (others behaviour and treatment are their choice) they’ll lose out in end, stick to people who know you and like you lots and never let this man back in to manipulate you ever again 🤗🌝🤗

[searchingforhope]

You’re gut already seems to be telling you what you need to know. But sometimes its so hard to actually listen to it. I would continue posting here and contact Womens Aid for support also. You deserve a happy loving relationship as much as anybody and there should be no comparison to other couples.

Look after yourself and do what you must do for you. x*x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Strix

I feel so sad for you that you have such low expectations because of your condition. Your words on here sound entirely reasonable to me reading them, and he sounds just psycopathic frankly, zero empathy or love, and I am so sorry at the deep upset he has brought to you. I would be feeling the same as you had I discovered that I had been sexually used in that way to ‘try out’ his feelings. If he’d been upfront about this and discussed it with you, then you are free to make your own decisions about whether thats something you want to be part of or not, but he robbed you of your choice in this, so not surprising you feel so cheated by him, betrayed and hurt. Its low, and what he’s done is trick you into sex, which isn’t entirely consensual.

Sending you comfort, in whatever forms are helpful to you, and the strength within yourself to know you deserve so much better than him, than his pathetic and abusive behaviours.

Take heart, you are not alone here, and you can talk and raise any issues you want without judgement, keep posting and using here to grow your strength and conviction that you are just as deserving of love and kindness as anyone else…because you really are worth it.

warmest wishes

ts

[strix]

Thank you so much. It feels strangely comforting to have my feelings validated. It’s a bit pathetic that I need other people to tell me what I’m feeling is ‘right’ but I can’t help it.

Exactly, I feel robbed of the right to make a decision and give informed consent.

He said many times he felt no empathy. I thought he was on the spectrum and that was why but now I think it was more sinister. He bragged about it as if it was a good thing. He didn’t give a d**n about his late mother and also prevented me from bringing my elderly relative from abroad. It might not be possible now which is another source of great pain for me but being married I didn’t want to go against my husband’s wishes and move someone into our home (which was in my name only btw as he didn’t want a joint mortgage).

It feels awful to realise how many bad life choices I’ve made 🙁

Thank you again for your kind words of support, its appreciated.

[Author]

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