Am i overreacting? Imagining things?

[Imjustme]

Hello. I’m new here and I am not sure where to begin. I’m not good at writing things so if it sounds like I’m rambling on i apologise in advance. We’ll here I go. I have been with my partner for quite a number of years. At the start everything was good. Then year after year his attitude changed. He gets angry. I no longer have friends or anyone to talk to apart from him. I no longer work due to accusations of cheating. He’s lashed out and hit me in the past a couple of times. I have tried to leave a number of times but always end up. Pressured and made to feel guilty so he comes back. There’s so much more to this. I don’t know how to. Explain it all. I do everything I can to not upset him or make his mood bad. I’ve been told how he treats me is wrong but then I’m made to feel like it’s my fault. Am I crazy? Overreacting? I don’t know anymore. There’s more things to say i just don’t know how to say it.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Imjustme,
Welcome to the forum and well done for posting, it really does help to get things down in words bit by bit.
First off I love your user name ‘I’m just me’ … this is exactly who you need to be.. just you. What is your true self telling you about this situation, what is in your heart to do?
We get so bogged down with our abusers words, we forget to listen to our own.
What you are describing is text book abuse from your partner. The isolation of no friends and no job is a worry. I myself was in a situation like this and what worked for me was turning inwards to myself. I started to work on my self love, this in time built my self confidence and strengthened my boundaries, finally giving me the strength to leave.
This only involved small things everyday, but they really did all add up.
Things like getting out in nature, exercising or doing yoga and stretching, meditating, eating & cooking healthy, reading all I could to develop myself… think of what you liked doing when you were little and try and connect back to this.
You are most certainly are not going crazy or over reacting, but again these abusers make us feel like this.
Are you able to make a phone call to speak to anyone at women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline?
If you have tried to leave a number of times this is good and you can try to leave again. However without this inner strength and working on yourself you will end up going back or end up in a similar situation so it is essential you do this.
I think it is great that you have posted, you will get lots of support from the lovely ladies on the forum… so keep posting and stay connected
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[ISOPeace]

Hi there, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. You’d be surprised how little you have to describe on this forum for people to understand what you mean. It’s because abusers seem to be working from the same manual.

Abuse is all about control. Abusers want us to feel weak, isolated and useless to keep us trapped. They need us to think it’s our fault so we don’t find the courage to leave. It is absolutely not your fault. It sounds like you’re starting to see through what he’s doing, because you’re asking whether you’re going mad rather than just accepting that it is your fault.

I would recommend reading up on abuse to understand it better. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is really good. Keep posting and reaching out for support. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Imjustme]

Thank you for the replies. I think deep down I’ve kknown for years but just accepted as the fear of standing up that’s what I cant take. I have tried to get out a number of times and stand up but it’s not just the making me feel guilty etc that keeps me having him back. The threats on if I’d go he said before he would get someone after me then there’s my kids too. The fear and having nowhere to go is keeping me stuck. I have nobody he’s rarely away from my side always has to be with me. Even sexually if I don’t want to he gets angry and says things to me so i just lay there like a piece of meat just to keep the peace. I know this is wrong but mentally I cannot take the arguments or the anger etc that comes with me standing up. Sorry if that’s too much detail. Even just making a phone call would be a very short one in the time I get away from him.

[ISOPeace]

Feeling guilty and scared is a universal reaction to abuse. Abusers manipulate us to feel that way to keep us trapped. How you’re feeling is a completely normal response. Domestic abuse charities don’t recommend standing up to abusers because it usually makes the abuse escalate (this is a useful explanation: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-can-i-talk-to-my-abuser/).

Unfortunately abusers deliberately put us in impossible positions – stand up for ourselves and suffer the consequences or be submissive and feel weaker and weaker. We’ve all done things to pacify our abusers. I know it feels horrible but sometimes it’s a matter of survival.

There are ways you can respond that help you feel stronger without appearing to be standing up for yourself. A good way is to not get drawn into defending yourself, which is futile anyway. Remind yourself that you’re choosing to not be drawn into his madness, rather than retreating in fear.

Another way is to actively choose to do whatever you do. By this I mean rather than think “I don’t want to do x but I just can’t face the alternative”, think “I’m choosing to do this because at the moment it feels like the safest thing for me to do”. It’s really important to remember that whatever you choose to do is OK. Your choices will get braver when you’re ready and that will be the right time for you. You can’t hurry these things, just take baby steps. You’re doing the best you can and that’s always enough. Xxxx

[gettingtired]

It’s the FOG of abuse – the fear, guilt and obligation that keeps us trapped.
Are you able to send an email to your local domestic abuse service? Like you, I don’t get much time away from my partner so making phone calls isn’t always easy (unless I’m commuting to work in which case any professional services can’t speak to you if you’re driving) so I’ve had to communicate with them via email. Could this be an option for you? They may be able to arrange to meet with you in person at your doctor’s surgery too so as not to arouse any suspicion with your partner. Xx

[Imjustme]

Thank you all for the advice. I am just so stuck especially with not having anyone around me being very isolated. I appreciate all your comments and no longer feel quite so alone xx

[Grey Rock]

Sounds like an abusive relationship to me BA. A lot like the one I had with my n**********c ex. The Dr Ramani YouTube videos really helped me to understand what was going on and gave me the strength to get out and stay out. Women’s Aid will be able to support you. Their Living With A Dominator book is useful too.
This situation is unlikely to get better if you stay. I hope you find the strength to leave and get yourself back. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. YOU are worth it.

If you do decide to leave make sure to make an exit plan so you can do so safely. Women’s Aid can help with that. One thing I’m grateful for is that I had the foresight to secretly get all my important personal documents out of the house, and that I changed all my passwords online and on my devices, and turned off my phone’s location software (my ex was very tech savvy and turned stalker once I’d left).
GR

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