Am I overreacting or am I being abused?

[emchee]

I’ve been on and off with this guy for (detail removed by moderator) now. We were together last summer after he had gone through a breakup with a girl he was with for a year. Due to her breaking up with him he had to seek therapy. Things were fine but we decided to be “just friends” because he stated he wasn’t emotionally ready. Time goes by and we’re basically dating without the title. However we begin arguing a lot. He begins getting upset over the smallest things, threatening to block me, calling me crazy & psycho. Things are good again for a bit. We hangout, are intimate & the next day he’s telling me I’m crazy and to leave him alone blocks me for MONTHS.
He gets back with his ex during this time at some point and then she breaks up with him again a few months ago. He then unblocks me & resumes communication with me. Things are going well. But the arguing, name calling & belittling begin. He says things he knows upsets me because “it’s funny I get mad so easily” and if we argue it’s “you’ll just be back apologizing and begging for me tomorrow”
Recently he randomly showed up at my house one night calling me telling me he was outside and to come see him, I go outside and then the first thing he says to me is that I look like s**t. But then proceeds to beg me to get in the car with him & hangout & initiate he wants to have sex. I have bought him some things but he acts like he doesn’t want me buying him stuff but then will say something like (detail removed by moderator).
Recently we just got into a huge argument, he told me I was clinically insane and then gave me back a few things I bought him. (Detail removed by moderator). Later that night we reconcile, he says he forgives me and we can be friends & that he’ll talk to me the next day.
The next day rolls around I text him and once again he’s calling me crazy and telling me to stop talking to him and proceeds to block my number….after he just said we were good the night before & could try things again.
He is now lying on me that I’m a stalker & that I’ve done these crazy things that are just completely false. He also told my friend that he was friend with me just to try to be nice….

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or what but is this n**********c behavior or emotional abuse? I feel extremely guilty & that I need to apologize to him or something. I feel defeated.

[maddog]

Emchee, you are hooked up with someone dangerous. He is waving red flags all over the place screaming Abuser at you! If you can get rid of him, do so. You may need help and support to find your way ahead. His behaviour is not your fault. Women’s Aid run the Freedom Programme. You may find books by Pat Craven helpful and if you find Lundy Bancroft on Youtube you will recognise his behaviour.
Definitely abusive behaviour and definitely not you. Dress your wounds and leave this man well alone.

[Worrywart]

hi emchee, i went through similar at the start of my relationship years ago, it sounds like he is manipulating, gaslighting also there is some triangulation and emotional abuse going on there too, it took me years to realise what was happening to me, as it wore me down completely to the point where i thought it was me that was causing him to be like it, its not you its him, you are not over reacting at all, you have nothing to be guilty about or apologise for either.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there emchee, it’s good to see you posting.

I’m just going to jump straight to the conclusion that no you are absolutely not overreacting about anything. This sounds very abusive to me. They are very good at making us feel guilty and often for things we really shouldn’t feel guilty for. I made my forum name what it is because I always ended up saying sorry. A conversation between me and my ex could start out of the blue with him asking if I was checking up on whether he was f****** other women in our bed, to me saying no and please don’t make such comments, to him accusing me of behaving as a jealous c***, to me apologising for all of it. It’s what they do. But reading your story, you have nothing to be sorry for. In fact I am seeing a very compassionate and loving woman in your post, someone who cares deeply. And I’m seeing a man who abuses that. And that is never your fault.

I read an article today on FB about how damaging it is to call women crazy and psycho for having essentially emotions, for having the nerve to have an opinion. Sadly, the comment section proved that while the author did a great job illustrating exactly how hurtful it is to be on the receiving end of such outbursts and name calling, the public commenting had the view of victim blaming. It’s a harsh world to be in when not only are we being put down by such nasty name calling, but the world seems to think we surely must have done something to deserve it. It’s no wonder we start to think perhaps I am crazy, perhaps I am psycho. But you are not the things he calls you and name calling is abuse, I don’t care what some comments on FB say 🙂 You deserve better than to be called these things.

I think it’s good you are questioning his behaviour and not just taking the blame. I’m getting an image of everything having to be his way and if not he just disappears for a while. It’s a cruel thing to experience. Have you thought about trying to go no contact with him? Have you spoken with WA? You can always call them, their number is at the top.

[emchee]

I think I feel guilty because one of the last conversations we had he basically referred to me as (detail removed by moderator)…and I hate the thought of me being so toxic in someone’s life. I did do some out of character things like texting a lot when but only because I felt insecure…I know that’s no justification. I’m just not sure how to move forward? I feel extremely hurt

[maddog]

You are normal to feel hurt. You are the normal one in this relationship. This man is projecting onto you his toxicity. This is no reflection on you. It is about him.

It means that you care and that you are empathetic. This man lacks an empathy chip. You may need help through your gp, WA and any other agencies to help you to redefine your boundaries. As survivors we are able to do this however difficult the journey. Abusers don’t change. They are missing that bit of them.

Please keep posting. There was a programme about women’s refuge and it said that shadows arrive and women leave.

[emchee]

I just hate that I’m now “the crazy ex” and that I’m being lied on. I am second guessing everything I’ve ever done…I feel like I’m losing my mind.
How do I move on when I feel guilty and that this is all my fault?

[maddog]

Please, emchee, call the Women’s Aid helpline. Leave a message and they will call you back. Your feelings under the circumstances are normal and you are not alone. It’s confusing and horrible. There are so many fantastic people along this dreadful path to hold our hands and stop us falling. However bad and stupid you may feel, the women on the helpline have heard it all before. It’s really important to be heard and believed. You are believed here. You need to be believed in real life as well. It’s not your fault. You have done nothing wrong.

[emchee]

What does the Women’s Aid Helpline do?

[maddog]

They will listen to you. They will understand exactly where you are coming from. They can advise you on how to get help. They will stand by your side as you move on. They will believe your experience. You will probably be asked to leave a message as they are very very busy. Do this and ask them to call you back at a safe time.

I bought a cheap burner phone which my ex didn’t have control of.

[Lisa]

Dear emchee,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m really sorry to read what you’ve been through; you have explained emotional abuse and coercive control. You are not overreacting and this is not your fault. Sadly he is choosing to behave this way to have power and control.

You’ve received some really good replies and I’m glad you’ve been encouraged to call the Helpline. In answer to your question, when you call the Helpline you can speak to a trained female support worker in confidence. You don’t have to give your name if you would prefer not to. They will listen and guide you through the call if needed. They can answer questions about whether something that has happened is abusive or not and help to validate your experience. They won’t tell you what to do, but they can talk about the dynamics of domestic abuse. Just talking can help to clear your thoughts a bit and help you to consider what might be best for you moving forwards; although you wouldn’t be expected to make any decisions or take any action as a result of the call. They can also signpost you to ongoing support or any services that might be relevant to you.

I hope this helps a little, if you have any questions please let me know.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Author]

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