Am I overreacting or is this an abusive marriage?

[Serendipity1]

Please help me. I am in a same sex marriage and only been married (detail removed by Moderator). My wife has PTSD but in general is supportive and loving. However she has a terrible rage when she gets angry about something and I worry about having any disagreement with her as she ends up shouting at me or throwing things. She has numerous times walked out the house and disappeared for hours which causes me great anxiety. On (detail removed by Moderator) she knocked over a hot drink in a temper about not having had any breakfast and having to sort out the (detail removed by Moderator) even though i told her to eat first as i was doing (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) i went to bed and didnt say goodnight so she came in to have a go at me about it and because i said im not arguing but you havent appologised about your behaviour earlier and she smacked my (detail removed by Moderator) into my chest and took it from me because I wouldn’t engage in an argument with her I just said she was being mean. She then came back into the room and after further crossed words and her shouting at me I asked her to leave the house and she threw (detail removed by Moderator) above my head covering me in (detail removed by Moderator). I have (detail removed by Moderator) additional needs children and my child woke up crying hysterically and she basically said mean things about me in front of him. She is always complaining about me, I never meet her expectations. She is always saying im not emotional enough or i dont validate her feelings. I try to support her and help her but it seems abything i do is wrong. Yes i do struggle to express my emotions but i have always shown i care in other ways. She has accused me a few times of secretly talking to someone online or having some kind of emotional affair and said because I closed a page on my phone when she walked in it was suspicious. We made friends with (detail removed by Moderator) other mums at school and used to talk in a group chat and she had recently started private messaging them which feels as if she is trying go isolate me so I’m no longer involved. Those same friends now don’t seem to see what she has done as abusive. I just feel really low and have no idea how to get out of this mess now

[barra]

Hey Serendipity1
Very proud of you for reaching out.
Let’s just break down some of what you’re saying –
You say in general your wife is supportive and loving. However …
– She shouts and throw things – *verbal & physical abuse
– The argument you’ve described you already were thinking three steps ahead to try and avoid her flying off the handle but she still did. This is what happens I’m afraid – we end up our whole life trying to accommodate their needs and avoid their rages and yet they still find a reason anyway that what we’ve done isn’t enough. This is what Women’s Aid told me: The biggest indicator of domestic abuse is a repeating pattern of behaviour that leads to you adjusting your actions to try to manage their behaviour and reduce the risk of them reacting aggressively or in a way that feels unsafe.
– “I never meet her expectations” – *blaming / shifting responsibility for the abusive behaviour
– “She is always saying im not emotional enough or don’t validate her feelings” – let me ask does she validate your feelings ever?
– “She has accused me a few times of secretly talking to someone online” – *Yep this is controlling behaviour and trying to isolate you
– You described about how she has started private messaging the other mums and you feel it’s isolating you. My husband did the exact same thing. We had a group of mutual friends in fact they were initially my friends, and he slowly started doing more and more things with just them not including me – always with excuses/reasons and it happened slowly that I always felt like it was me being stupid to feel offended that I hadn’t been included. It even got to the point that he invited them round for dinner at our house and didn’t tell me, they got takeaway but didn’t order anything for me & everybody kept making comments about how busy I am and they hoped they weren’t getting in my way. I made myself a hot chocolate and just stood awkwardly in the kitchen while no one offered me a chair or really spoke to me and then after a little bit went upstairs and literally just got in bed and cried because I felt like such an imposter and so confused and lonely. And yep, when it got to fights that got physical he then talked to them and garnered support, leaving me more isolated and confused and feeling that his behaviour was normal because they supported him so they must think it’s ok (I don’t know exactly what he said to them – at the time I thought he’d told them he’d lashed out at me but I don’t think he actually had)

Your relationship sounds extremely similar to mine with my husband to be honest with you and there’s only one way out of “this mess” – you need to leave. Don’t think I’m underestimating how hard that is, I’ve been through it. You have to tell people you’re leaving, you have to find a new home, you have to work out a situation with the kids. But ultimately, the alternative is ongoing abuse, and you don’t deserve that for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Hi serendipity
It sounds awful for you living like this. It’s not acceptable to have things thrown at you. The behaviour is awful. I know I sound like a man saying this but is it worse at certain times of the month. My teenage daughter has just started behaving a bit like this and I think it’s severe PMT.
I think she knows her behaviour is awful and is pushing you away which is why she is paranoid you are having an affair.
Either way she needs to get help. It is abusive behaviour.
I have been like you for years wondering if it’s abuse or just a bad argument with me being overly sensitive. In the end I asked my GP (as still wouldn’t believe the counsellors) she said to me if someone came up to her in her surgery and displayed the behaviour I had described she would ring the police. So why should I have to deal with it at home. This put it into perspective for me.

[Serendipity1]

Thank you for your helpful reply it has made me see its not just me. I feel so isolated and that no-one would or does believe me over her. She is outgoing and friendly and caring to everyone which is her good side but she has this horrible side that nobody else sees and I’m quiet and reserved and struggle in social settings so people would never think this of her. It makes me feel its all in my head

[Playfrombeginning]

Hi Serendipity

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I can’t offer much good advice but felt I needed to reply as have been going through something very similar. I’m also in a same sex relationship – I am quiet/reserved my partner outgoing and friendly etc to people but they don’t see her other side (the rages, emotional abuse etc) never would I have thought the relationship is abusive – only since my therapist pointed it out very recently.

I’ve since learned about the cycle of abuse – it goes from tension to violent outbursts to regret/apology, to shifting blame/gaslighting and calm – eventually tensions build up and the abuse happens again.
In my case this happened and I’m so unaware so would always take the blame/forget and it would happen again, it would get to point I would retaliate as could not take it anymore. Which then reinforced the blame. However I’ve since learned this is a natural reaction to abuse and is in self defence.

Not sure if you can see any similar pattern with your partner? After learning this I could see the behaviour so clearly and there have been so many realisations since.

They also blamed me saying I’m not caring or loving enough implying I’m basically responsible for their happiness and well being. I could never leave her alone or have my own life really.

It’s hard to come to terms as in my nature I’m insecure and naturally take the blame, but I guess maybe abusers find it easy to take advantage of that? My dad was emotionally abusive so going into a relationship like this felt almost normal to me. It’s been years. a long time but now seeing the behaviour isn’t normal.

For her to act like this particularly in front of your child is not right. The behaviour should be accounted for. If you feel you are having to walk on eggshells to avoid the rages etc, or there’s any shift in blame this is classic abuse. It’s not your fault – I’m also pretty isolated so here if you need to talk. ❤️

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