2nd May 2016 at 7:50 pm #16140
Ok so…he’s been really nice for a few days, almost too nice, almost like he knows he’s done wrong and he’s trying to make up for it.
It’s seriously messing with my head because when he’s nice he’s my perfect man…but when he’s not…well, you can imagine I’m sure.
The thing is, I do love him, of course I do as we’ve been together over a decade, but i feel that to some extent the damage is done. I’m at a point where I can’t just forget the things he does and move on easily. Also I’m just waiting for the next mood swing…which is horrible.
I wonder if I’m overreacting and we’re just having normal arguments and disagreements that all couples have?
I feel i know in my heart that locking me outside at 6am in my nightie is not what all couples do but its so confusing when he’s in a “good mood”…
2nd May 2016 at 8:00 pm #16142
Yes it is very confusing, i ask myself whether these are deliberate tactics on their part. My ex if it was deliberate he was very good at it as it was so convincing. We broke up 2 months ago, i get a fleeting moment where I ask myself whether I got it wrong but I think you have to try to look at the bare bones of the problem, putting aside all of the emotion if you can. It sounds like there is a lot of gaslighting going on for you. Locking you out at 6am is cruel, what was his game? My ex was manipulative, played mind games, was big into control, possessive, mean with money and uncommunicative, but at the same time I felt that I really genuinely did love him. It was so complex, draining & stressful.These seem to go beyond the realms of how normal loving couples operate.
Having No Contact helps to get your thoughts together without being manipulated.
2nd May 2016 at 8:05 pm #16144KIP.Participant
No you’re not over reacting. You are on this site for a reason. It’s the cycle of abuse. The love bombing then walking on egg shells until the next round of abuse. The good mood is to keep you hooked in. If he was awful all the time we would leave. Are you in touch with Women’s Aid?
3rd May 2016 at 8:53 pm #16257
Thanks girls, he’s back to his good old self today and adding fuel to my fire!
He texted me at work and asked why I’d not texted him, i told him i was swamped and just didn’t have the time, so he said ive obviously got other things on my mind…?! God knows what he’s referring to here.
Anyway so i kinda knew what kind of mood he’d be in when i got home…boy i wasnt wrong. He keeps calling me spoilt – thats a new one – and because i didnt want desert he threw it at me and said i had 2 minutes to eat it or else. I didn’t eat it…and he didnt do anything… But i mean what???! What the hell is all that about?
3rd May 2016 at 9:03 pm #16259
I really love the books that you can read free on Amazon, H G Tudor books on abuse, they hit the nail on the head for me. You might find them helpful. X
3rd May 2016 at 11:50 pm #16268godschildParticipant
It does mess you up when they are nice,mine is the same, I am resiting his niceness as hard as I can, as it always reverts back as yours has now. You are not over reacting at all,his behavoir is abuse
4th May 2016 at 6:18 am #16272
Missnobody, it sounds like he is really playing games with your head, subtle threats thrown in, extreme changes between nice and bad, gaslighting is what it is called. Gaslighting and Intermittent Reinforcement with some Negative Reinforcement and Manipulation, i’ve learnt all about the tactics since my split. Do have a look at these books they really helped me. You partner sounds dangerous and will cause you mental damage as mine did. X*X (i am thinking of you).
4th May 2016 at 8:13 am #16277WhathaveidoneParticipant
Missnobody, You could be me writing and you are NOT overreacting. I’m making steps to leave the ‘relationship’. Its the cycle of abuse: building tention, explosive episode, calm, honeymoon period and then the cycle continues. http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2015/05/the-narcissistic-cycle-of-abuse/
He will be so nice to you one minute that you think you were overreacting – he’s minimising the abuse so we just ‘brush it off’ and move on. Throwing things at you – even if it is food is physical abuse. How dare he? why is it necessary to throw anything at you? I hate what these men do.They don’t respect us for the human beings that we are.
The mind games are done deliberately to confuse us. Have you read “Why does he do that?” and “Living with the dominator” – these two books really helped me. I’m going to read some more books that were recommended on here to constantly remind myself when I’m in doubt of the reality and not minimise what is happening as it is very damaging.
5th May 2016 at 10:59 pm #16460
Wow thank you ladies, it really is a horrible situation…talk about walking on egg shells! You are so right though, I’ve basically brushed it off for years because he’s had nice days, but i just dont have the strength to do it anymore – its draining.
I will take a look at all the info you’ve provided so thanks again xx
6th May 2016 at 12:40 pm #16497WalkerInTheRainParticipant
I lived for years knowing something wasn’t right but not knowing what was wrong as most of the abuse was conducted with a calm smile on his face.
Reading ‘Why does he do that?’ was a massive eye opener. The book covers a wide range of topics and abusive personalities. It made me realise I wasn’t going mad!
As other people have said, you are here because you know his behaviour isn’t right.
All relationships have ups and downs (nobody lives in a Disney movie) but do you feel listened to and understood or are you hiding your feelings for fear of his reaction? Do you feel you could raise a problem with him or would he dismiss your concerns as your own problem?
7th May 2016 at 1:43 am #16586StarmoonParticipant
That’s not at all acceptable. That’s a vile and nasty thing to do!
Mine is also the perfect man when he’s nice and it totally fries my brain.
He always blamed me for arguments of course and for years I racked my brains trying to work out why or how I managed to cause so many problems… The answer is that I didn’t! I asked friends and family in relationships if they argued, and asked the sorts of things they argued about and how often. Thinking I must be over sensitive.. How I realize that’s classic. ‘Normal’ couples do argue but the bid difference is- they mostly resolve things, consider the others points of view and feelings. Do you ever feel things are resolved? I never did.
And when I was being ‘too sensitive’.. I was being gasslighted by him. Making a comment that he knew would hurt me and gain a reaction- i.e. The house is always a mess (when I basically have ocd).. So id be upset and then he’d be angry that I was upset. But other couples don’t like to hurt their loved ones feelings and if they do- by mistake, the natural response would surely be to explain that they hadn’t meant to hurt them rather than to be angry and say we always cause problems.
7th May 2016 at 8:10 am #16597
The normal way to behave in a healthy relationship is to treat your partner with respect, your partner should never feel unable to say things and have to bottle things up. If someone is wrong then the normal thing to do is to apologize and take responsibility, to comfort your partner by words or actions and not to lie or withhold information. The Freedom Programme lists what a normal nice man is like. My ex and most of the men on here are not normal and made us mentally ill by dumping their issues onto us either subtly and covertly or physically.
7th May 2016 at 4:04 pm #16637
Thank you all so much for your input. Last night was the final straw…i wont go into details but I’m done now, no more.
The thing is,i need to open an account to put some money away but will the paperwork all come to the house? I cant ring the helpline as he checks my phone bill and will ask me who it is. I just need to start making plans to go but without money I can’t – I need to make sure my babies will be ok xx
7th May 2016 at 4:15 pm #16638
Why don’t you use your work address for your banking mail to go to? If you don’t work, can you use a friend or relatives address?
10th May 2016 at 7:04 am #16843
Yeah i could use work…i didn’t realise i could do that so ill look into it.
He’s back to the niceties for a couple of days but i think its just because he wants sex – i keep making excuses but im going to have to do it or he’ll get suspicious…
15th May 2016 at 6:29 pm #17354AnimalloverParticipant
Not been here for a while as he’s in that relatively “nice” stage at the moment. I know it won’t last but keep hoping. He has done something similar to me, kept asking what an ex friends husbands name was (I have no friends any more) I knew the answer but knew his reaction if I said it. Eventually he wore me down whilst in bed and I said the name. He was furious threw me naked out of the bed and said I must never get back in as I’d said another man’s name. I had to stand there shivering (it was winter) until he went to sleep and then could get back in. Know he won’t remember doing it but everything is adding up in my head and starting to wonder what I’m doing
16th May 2016 at 10:09 am #17403Confused123Participant
Request for no post to be sent to your address, i said i didnt want no communciation, u can always have it on sent by email or decline that to if u want
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