Am I overthinking it?

[ArtyMum]

Hi, and thanks in advance for reading – I’m going to just blurt it all out so sorry if it’s a bit garbled.

We’ve been together a good while got married about halfway through our relationship and we’ve got a pre-schooler.

He’s suffered with depression, stress, anxiety over the years – (detail removed by moderator) But these lead to anger management issues, his fuse is incredibly short with everyone.

He can’t keep a job, and I suspect due to his history is verging on unemployable – I know if I saw his CV I wouldn’t shortlist him. He’s currently unemployed and says he’s job hunting whilst I’m at work but I doubt he’s doing as much as he could.

So, what’s he done/not done?

He’s blind to the housework – seems to think there’s fairies that come and do it — I’ve been at work all day today and I still had to do the washing up, put the washing out afterwards and cooked tea whilst he sat and watched TV

In rages, frequently caused by our child’s tantrums or my handling of them, he’s thrown items (detail removed by moderator) across the room and punched the banister on the stairs to the point of cracking the paint away from the wood. I’m left walking in egg shells trying to avoid confrontation and angering him.

But worst of all is his management of money. He’s been raised by parents who put everything the wanted on HP and isn’t used to the concept of saving – money burns a hole in his pocket. He chooses to pay his personal debts prior to putting an arbitrary amount in the joint account, I’m left using my money to fill the gap and having nothing left to spend on me/child. I chose to get a loan (detail removed by moderator) I’d estimate between these unpaid “loans” and all the top-ups to pay the bills he owes me upwards of (detail removed by moderator)

The house is in my name, but due to being married and him paying something into the joint account I believe it might be at risk.

I’d just love to know if this is abuse? The finance thing is continuous, but the anger happens only 1-2 times a week. The rest of the time he’s fun, if a little lazy!

What options do I have available to me? I’m already thinking that maybe leaving is best for me and child, to the point I’m moving nursery so I can pick up – as it stands at the moment the current nursery ends when I finish work a couple of towns over.

Thanks again if you got this far 🙂

[Lisa]

Hi ArtyMum,

This is abuse and you deserve to have support and to be safe with your child. Rages a couple of times a week is actually quite frequent and, although they’re not constant, the threat and possibility of them is there continuously impacting you, keeping you walking on those eggshells. Abuse happens in a cycle between fun, loving, attentive and nasty, raging, violent. This is part of what can make it so confusing and difficult to break away from.

You will have options depending on what you would like to happen. If you’d like to discuss these in more detail, you could speak to one of the support workers on our Live Chat service (available every day). They won’t tell you what to do but can help you to know what your options are and signpost you to further support that’s relevant to you. You could also directly contact your local domestic abuse service.

Regarding the house ownership, you could contact Rights of Women who provide free legal advice in areas of law often needed around domestic abuse. They have lots of information on their website and a Family Law advice line. Surviving Economic Abuse have information and guidance on financial abuse.

As you can see, there’s lots of places to get support, as well as having the support from the other women on this forum.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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