Am I reading too much into everything… Help?!

[Starmoon]

Sexual controller… Am I reading too much into everything?? Help?!
Re my last post- I really don’t know if all men are like this. If this is normal now because surely there can’t have been control and abuse in everything he did?!
I’ve been reading some of your posts over sexual abuse and control and whilst I haven’t been threw anything as awful as some of you have, it still lead me to read up on it and again, allot of its ringing true.
He always left contraception entirely down to me… Saying he couldn’t wear condoms, he didn’t like them etc. I became pregnant whilst on the pill twice. First time my eldest daughter was born, second I lost twins. After that I had horrible side effects from the pill so stopped taking it. I was in the process of moving my career forward (I’m self employed) and because the pill was having a bad effect we talked about contraception but agreed to try for a baby. My mum believes he convinced me to have a baby at a time I would’ve been moving forward with my career… But surely I wasn’t that brain washed.
Then most recently when I because pregnant again, it was so soon after the birth of our baby- I hadn’t considered contraception. We did try using condoms but he kept removing them and I felt guilted into carrying on with sex regardless… How stupid of me not to stand my ground. I did take the morning after pill but it also failed. Then he left me as allot of you know.
I’ve been reading up on subtle sexual abuse, and that seems to fit the bill. The other things that fit are that we couldn’t cuddle or kiss without him wanting to have sex. But how is that considered abuse? I don’t know if it is. I’d feel guilty if I didn’t want to have it and id often do it to make him happy. I loved (still do) him and found him attractive and generally my sex drive is high it’s just that I wouldn’t want to have sex when we’d been arguing or I felt he hadn’t listened to me etc.
Then in the past, he’s been the one to not want sex. Sometimes for weeks and weeks. Not just sex but intimacy too.. So am I a hypocrite for what I said above?! I’d want to feel like we were happy and everything was fine, he’d cuddle me and grope me in the kitchen and say lets have some fun later… But then we’d get in bed and he’d roll over. On one occasion I tried to ask him about it and he smashed a mug on the headboard of the bed then threw it at the wall above me. He ended up cutting his hand badly and bleeding all over the carpet. He told me I made him so angry and it was the way I’d spoken to him over the situation… I’d felt rejected. But maybe I a hypocrite.
And finally, a few weeks before we’d split up (before I’d found out I was pregnant) we’d gone out for drinks, he was extremely drunk. I didn’t really want sex but again I did it to make him happy (I’m pathetic). Sorry for tmi.. It was lasting too long and I wanted to stop. He got more forceful than I’ve ever known him to before. He held on to my legs and started pleading and begging me to let him finish… It was horrible- I’d never seen him like that. I know he was drunk but it really unnerved me. I didn’t think he was going to do anything he shouldn’t but his behavior was just totally weird. It put me off sleeping with him for ages after that..

[Falling Skys]

No your not reading to much into it.

I have a very high sex drive and the first time I said no he took it, or as I know now raped me.

Then I thought because I hadn’t said no before he didn’t understand. How stupid am I, even then I was making excuses for him. More because it was better than the truth.

Then it became a cycle, I wanted it less so he just ignore what I was saying and took it anyway.

You have a right at any time to say no, and they should stop.

You have a right to be shown affection at anytime with out leading to sex.

These men just see you as a belonging with no rights.

Mine always left birth control to me to.

Stay strong

FS xx

[Starmoon]

I’m so so sorry to hear that he did that to oh fs. What a monster!!
I never said no to my ex… Apart from the time he begged me. I never wanted to say no because I didn’t want him to be in a mood with me or angry. I’m so pathetic

[Lisa]

Good morning starmoon,

I just wanted to show you some support. Please know you are not at all pathetic or a hypocrite. The reason why you feel so confused is because domestic abuse, particularly sexual abuse can be very confusing and abusers are well skilled in making their partners feel guilty and dirty when it is not their fault. His behaviour sounds very abusive and I think it would help you it you could try to talk about it all perhaps with your women’s aid worker or the helpline?

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Starmoon]

Thanks Lisa… There isn’t women’s aid workers available in the place I like. I know there is a freedom program available, I went to one session last year but wasn’t confident that it was abuse x

[Falling Skys]

Starmoon

You are not pathetic, a hypocrite, weak, bad, dirty, you did what you did to survive and get through it,like I did.

I was brought up that it takes two but with abusers they manipulate it all.

You and I are good people that had awful people in it.They don’t understand the meaning of love and affection, its all about demeaning and controlling.

Talking to people that understand have been a great help as coming on this site.

FS xx

[Starmoon]

Thanks… I think in reality I’m just clutching at straws to convince myself it was abuse. I feel really bad as so many of you have been threw far worse

[SaharaD]

Hi Starmoon

May I suggest going back to the Freedom Programme.

Also you may wish to consider an implant or and IUS/IUD. This had a higher rate of effectiveness than the pill/morning after pill. That way you protect yourself from his continued sexual control of condom removal and refusal and then manipulating you will you are pregnant or having a miscarriage or having any more children with him.

this however won’t protect you from STI/STDs. I suggest starting the process of going to the sexual health/gum clinic to make sure he hasn’t given you anything nasty and stop you being manipulated by him over pregnancy and having a baby with an abuser.

Please try to protect yourself and your life from him.

[Serenity]

You aren’t reading too much into it.

His forcefulness was out of order. If you said no and he forced it, this is essentially rape.

It is perfectly understandable that you wouldn’t want sex with a man who has been unkind to you. You weren’t witholding sex to punish him- you genuinely felt unhappy about being so intimate with him, as he had been confusing and hurting you. I didn’t want sex with my ex for ages, as he was so horrible to me. Why would I? Sex for a woman is an emotional thing.

Men are less emotional
about sex, but should still treat the woman with respect and give her a choice.

Your ex sounds so cruel in always blowing hot and cold- like suggesting sex and then turning his back to you in bed. It was a control thing. He wanted you to know that he held the power. Whether or not this hurt you wasn’t his priority: his own feeling of power was his priority.

The smashing cups and things- this was to frighten you, also showing his lack of control. My ex threw dinner plates.

He sounds so much like my ex. They are masters of emotional and mental abuse. Sexual, physical and financial abuse come with it: I have no doubt he got you pregnant at a time to stop you progressing with your career.

[Starmoon]

Thanks everyone. Serenity I think you were one of the first people to ever respond to me on the old forum. I appreciate everything you always say. It does sound like our exs are similar. I feel like I need this drilled in. I must drive you all mad with my constant posts.. All the toing and froing. I’ve finished reading the only book I’ve so far related to and it’s been no cure… But has helped. Serenity did you ever get angry at your ex.. Have any of you ladies been angry, sarcastic… Said things you regret? I’ve said all sorts that I regret. I often felt it was in retaliation and it’s interesting that once I was angry and shouting he was often calm… And almost seem to find it funny, it’s like he got some smug satisfaction from from seeing me an utter wreck. I can’t work out if that makes me worse, or the same

[Lisa]

Hi Starmoon,

I am pleased to see that you have had lots of great advice and support here. Please do try the helpline as they can help you to see that your relationship is not just unhealthy, it is abusive. I know other ladies here who have been confused after one or two sessions of the freedom program, please try to do the course, it will be a revelation to you.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[magicnumber]

Hi, I am wondering if the freedom course has any sort of online version or a book format? There isn’t anything like that where i live now. i moved to get away from what i had come to accept was abuse but now it has been a few months and i feel even more confused because I am much more down than when I was with him. It was chaotic but somehow i was stronger or felt able to cope with it and keep going. I didn’t officially break it off, took a coward’s way out i suppose so i am still effectively in the abusive relationship just now on the phone mostly etc rather than face to face everyday. I thought that would be better, well it is better i suppose, but its amazing how an emotional abuser can still ruin my day from hundreds of miles away! even right now, he has been calling all day, making sure I have not had a minutes peace because he knew the children were with a babysitter so i could get some things done. Now the time is nearly up for today and i have got nothing done because i have had a dozen phone calls from him, numerous texts, all winding me up, telling me how I am ruining our children’s lives etc. i know they are fine and happy here with me now but i do worry that they will be very torn between us so i want to try to stay friendly with their dad.

sometimes i wish i could never see or hear from him again but he is their father so that is not realistic, i just have to try and be strong and make the best of it. a solicitor told me ages ago to get a non molestation order but i didn’t want the courts involved. maybe she was right and that is what it will take for me to get on with my life. sometimes the thought of ending contact and moving on is a relief but actually a lot of the time it is scary and depressing and i feel like my life is over, that it is going to be a nightmare having him as an ex and their dad. i still think i love him sometimes, and wonder if i have got it all wrong? he certainly was wonderful and we were very much in love, once. i actually have to sit down sometimes, like right now and think about what went on and kind of remind myself that i am not crazy, and that he possibly is. yet he is out in the world a fully functioning successful human being and I am here miserable and hiding unable to send off a simple job application or pay a bill. some days are better but overall i am not in a good state. Yesterday i really felt ready for taking a step forward and getting back to work. now today i feel a disaster again. I know I am in limbo right now and need to move forward a bit but have just been sort of frozen in this relationship and feeling almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So perhaps some sort of freedom programme whatever it is… or any other recommendations. it is sad to see so many women on the forum experiencing bad times with their nearest and dearest but this has been grounding and a good reminder or reality check xx

[Lisa]

Hi Magicnumber,

Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased that you have found the forum and hope you find it a safe and supportive place to be. It might be a good idea for you to try start your own post, (I know that it is a little confusing)in case your post gets a bit lost here.

Please try to phone the helpline when you get a moment. They will help to confirm that what you are experiencing is domestic abuse and they will do their best to give you some good advice and put you in touch with some local support. Sadly, as long as you are still having contact with your husband and are still in the relationship he will continue to harass and undermine you. Your local Women’s Aid group can hopefully point you in the direction of a good solicitor who understands domestic abuse.

Your situation sounds very stressful and unpleasant and I am sure that this post is only the tip of the iceberg. We all understand how you are feeling and the fact is that abusive relationships are confusing because they are not always abusive and the good times can be very convincing but unless he accepts his behaviour is wrong and gets help to change he will always remain an abuser.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on. You have done so well to get away from him, you are more than half way there!

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Starmoon]

Magicnumber I literally could d written what you said myself. There is an online version of the freedom program I think, and a book but if you call the help line I’m sure they will point you where you need to go. Keep posting xx

[godschild]

Starmoom, I never considered that I suffered form sexual abuse until I read things and came on here, even withholding sex from you for weeks and turning his back is classed as sexual abuse. Mine has for years always had to be the one who instigated sex, I could try but he used to say, you are putting me under pressure but then late on the night he would start to touch me when I was asleep , this happenend a lot and I now realise that it was not right.
Mine has showed me little interest in that area for a long time unless it suited him, but he sleeps in the spare room now and I could not get involved with him.
They all use sex as a power , control thing. Mine slepty with his back to me for years and years, he used to make every excuse for it that he had this pain or ache and had to lie that way, but it felt like he was sticking his two finger up at me, you arnt reading too much into it just becoming enlightened to it all, like I have been the past few months, I read a list of what sexual abuse is and it did include witholding xx

[Serenity]

Hi Star moon,

Sorry, I have only just seen that you posted and asked me a question two days ago…

In answer to your question, did I get angry with him:

In hindsight, I can answer this quite clearly…

In the early days, I was a bit hurt by some things he did, for example, he didn’t acknowledge our first wedding anniversary but gladly took the meal and present I organised. When I questioned why, he flew into a rage and went and bought me a dead plant. When he criticised a meal I had spent hours over, early in our marriage, all I said was that he was being a bit ungrateful, and he threw the dinner all over the newly painted wall, smashing the plate. When we went away for our second wedding anniversary, he was driving too fast down the country lanes. I asked him to slow down. This ‘criticism’ was enough to make him pull the hand break on at 40 mph, so the car spun 360 degrees. When I told him he was being unkind one day, he punched the doors, virtually splitting one in half.

Looking back, I can see what happened. These incidents had the effect of terrifying me. So, I began to swallow my hurt and not express it. Next, I began blaming myself when he was cruel.

Sometimes, it was enough for me to be a bit frazzled or tired, and he would complain about that. Like I wasn’t allowed to feel tired or get stressed sometimes.

For years, I didn’t get angry. I was too scared to. I would be upset instead and swallow my hurt, and beg him for forgiveness. Of what, I don’t know.

But swallowing your feelings and thoughts is bad. It had an effect on my body. I developed a chronic illness.

Towards the end of our marriage, I just could to cope with the one way nature of our relationship. I just felt too ill to keep giving, giving whilst he took and took. I stated to ignore his tantrums.

A milestone was one night, he walked out. I didn’t due my usual, plead with him to return. I went to bed with a book. He returned, looking furious and confused: why wasn’t I running after him? He hated it. He knew he was losing power over me. I think he then planned to abandon us in the worst way. The difference between your and my abuser is that mine was far too controlling and proud to ever apologise. But he definitely is like yours with the repeated abandonment.

Towards the end, I began standing up to him. No bad language, just being assertive. This was enough for him to write me a cryptic Xmas card warning me to be silent.

But there was no going back for me. I didn’t want to be a terrified mouse anymore.

I was not rude to him. The only time I was ‘rude’ was when I said he was being a b****rd one day. So delighted was he that I had said something bad after years and years that he could use against me, he told his work mates, I found out. The only other time was when I called him a n********t!

I think I tried to ‘reason’ with him rather than get angry. But this didn’t work, so I got upset.

I think I was too scared to get angry. He was one to punish.

He used to go quiet when I got upset. As if playing the victim, or maybe the water torturer?

I must say that I used to pretend to be asleep and faced away from him in bed towards the end. This was after years of him doing it to me. I didn’t like this cruel man, and I didn’t want to be intimate with him. I didn’t turn away to play games: I was genuinely scared of him psychologically and sexually.

If I was ever stressed or tired, I was meant to feel like I was a bad person.

Tonight, I returned from a long day at work. If was lovely to get back to a quiet house without him being demanding and punishing me for being late. My sons both greeted me and gave me a hug. What a difference, to the eggshells when he was here. Yet he blamed the eggshells on everyone else.

[Serenity]

Ditto, Healthy Archive.

He could be as nasty as he liked: I wasn’t allowed to react.

[Starmoon]

Absolutely H.a that’s exactly it. Once I did shout at him… In fact I followed him upstairs utterly fuming- I shouted that the way he treated me wasn’t fair, that I wasn’t going to let him pack his things and abandon me with the kids again. The result was him throwing a glass of water at me, storming at me, pinning me against the wall by my neck, throwing my glasses off and then attempting to push me down the stairs. I tried to hit him to get him off and this sent him into more of a rage. I managed to sit on the floor which made it harder for him to drag me down the stairs I think. Not really sure what happened after that but I know he left for two days… And when he came back- I said I was sorry for shouting at him. What lead up to me shouting at him… Our baby was new, he’d gone to a ‘friends’ (I don’t know where he really was) for a drink, said he wouldn’t be late home. Switched his phone off and then rolled in in the morning the next day. he said he was sorry, that he’d lost track of time and his phone had died. I was glad he was back as id been worried. But I was also angry that he’d been out late and I know he would never have accepted the same from me- not that I’d ever have done it. I didn’t shout or get angry, I told him I wasn’t happy, asking him how he’d feel if I’d done he same. Then I let him sleep while I looked after the children. I was annoyed of course but I just wanted to have some space to move on from it, I didn’t really want to see him because I was angry but I didn’t want to argue. Later when he woke up he sat next to me on the sofa and out of the blue announced he had made an appointment to get the snip. This wasn’t something we’d discussed, in fact we’d both agreed we wanted more children. I was totally taken back.. I was still bothered by the night before and definitely didn’t want that conversation. I said I was shoked but not willing to talk about that at the moment. Less than a few minutes later he ‘told’ me that our baby would be staying with his mum on the night of our wedding (which obviously never went ahead). Once again I didn’t want that conversation- I instantly felt intimidated because actually I didn’t want her staying with his mum but going by previous example- he wouldn’t have understood why and he’d have gotten angry. So I said I didn’t want to talk about that either and that I didn’t want any serious conversations today. He called me a f***ing w****o… So I felt I had no choice but to discuss it. I tried to explain my side and as predicted he made assumptions that I was saying his mum was unfit to look after her. And then he got annoyed and stormed off up stairs saying he was getting dressed then going out. That’s when I flipped and followed him and shouted at him for leaving again after being out all nigh and saying it wasn’t fair

[Starmoon]

You’re so right. Nail on the head. Our feelings should be validated. And because they aren’t, nothing ever feels resolved. I can relate to that situation totally. The day before I gave birth, we were waiting for a scan and I noticed he’d sent me a text a few hours earlier. The text was clearly meant for someone els… Arranging to meet later that day with kisses on the end. Earlier he’d told me he was going to a friends. But if he’d meant that text to go to his friend then he wouldn’t have been sending kisses. I asked him about it and conveniently there was no sent messege on his phone (it was via whatapp and I know you can delete individual messeged on there). Instead of reassure me he got angry at me saying i was accusing him of things. I then had to defend that I wasn’t.

[Suntree]

There is so much I want to say about a healthy sexual relationship and consent and the way in which we aren’t taught about it, but I can’t get it out of total spin in my head.

What I will say is look up “consent and tea” it is a very simple idea about consent in ANY relationship.

Hugs x

[Starmoon]

I just checked it out…. Unconscious people don’t want tea. It made me laugh… But it makes the point well!

[Starmoon]

I will defiantly take a look at those books. One is already on my kindle, just need time to read it. It is sick! Like the situation with your ex h.a. If I’d have accidentally called my partner by an exs name I’d have felt awful and I’d have d**n well said I was sorry. How can they think it’s ok to get angry… And for some reason we are programmed to try and ‘reason’ with them, to try and get them to understand. It’s weirdly easier for me to grasp it now I think of him living in another reality like Patricia suggest in the verbally abusive relationship. Since I can now see that he doesn’t have the same view point and perspective as me- there’s no point in trying to reason. The hard part is working out what I’ll tolerate and what my boundaries are…. Since they’ve been blurred…. No- obliterated for so long. And suntree, I know what you mean about the head spin. I describe the thought and confusion as a whirl wind. I’ll have a look at what you suggested now. Thank you xx

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